Keep the Home Fires Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

The Stages of Marriage

How many of you clicked on the link to read yesterday's post thinking that I was talking about the beginning of the end of my marriage? No, we're not that far gone – yet. All kidding aside, everyone who is married or in a serious, long-term, committed relationship knows that the little things do add up and that when you have been married 5, 10, 15 years, have little kids screaming, whining and waking in the night, errands to run, meals to prepare, dogs to walk, meetings to get to, work projects begging for your attention, clients calling, the thing that gets pushed aside is the relationship with your spouse or significant other, and it's easy to forget why you fell in love with this person years ago. It's easy to get caught up in the things that irritate you and the nitpicking, and if you as a couple don't do something to change the pattern, whether it's simply a date night once a month or seeking counseling or other outside help, I can see how the irritation can turn to hatred, resentment and falling out of love.

When I worked as a law clerk in the courts, before we had kids, I used to wonder, as I sat through the divorce proceeding: "What happens to make a couple hate each other so much? Clearly these people had loved each other enough to get married and have kids once upon a time." Now, having been married a good amount of time and having added two kids to the mix, I can understand the metamorphosis of going from being a couple in love to a couple divided.

During a Girls' Night Out discussion on marriage, one of my friends mentioned an article she had recently read about the stages a marriage goes through. One of the stages is basically, "I don't really like you right now." This stage occurs when you have been married for a while, you have small kids, and life is getting the best of you. The good news is that if you can make it through this stage, the next stage is, "I really do still love you." And while I am simplifying those stages, it really does make sense.

Tips for a Happy Marriage

The key to a successful, and hopefully happy, marriage appears to be to hang on through the rough times: eventually your kids will grow up and be less dependent on you; you will have more time to go out together, and not have to pay for a babysitter; and you will like each other again. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. If abuse of any kind is involved staying is not a choice, especially if you have kids in the house.

An easy way to connect and put your relationship on center stage is to have a regular date night. It does not have to be an expensive dinner or big deal, especially if you have to pay for a babysitter too. The point of the date, which actually doesn't have to be at night, is to spend time together; to talk to each other without the interruptions of your Darling children; to enjoy each other's company. Here are my ideas for some fun, simple and mostly cheap dates for parents:

• Take a walk in beautiful setting
• Go out for pizza
• Go to a museum
• Go to an outdoor concert and take a picnic
• Go out for dessert only
• Meet for coffee when the kids are at daycare or in school, or get a babysitter for an hour
• Meet for lunch
• Go bowling
• Go golfing
• Meet for Happy Hour
• Try a new food together
• Take a community education class together
• See a play
• Go to a sporting event
• Attend an art gallery event
• Visit a vineyard
• Attend the orchestra
• Expand your horizons, and if you must, go to a movie

Great Websites for Creating a Fulfilling Marriage

These 12 ideas for a happy marriage are really great and make you think about your actions and intentions as a couple. A must read: http://www.simplemarriage.net/12-bold-ideas-for-a-happy-marriage.html

Here are the stages of marriage. This is not the exact article my friend originally talked about, but there are a number of articles, as well as books, on the stages of marriage. All are very similar with various small differences or sub-categories. This one is good with other good links on this website, if you are interested in staying married and being happy in the process: http://www.stayhitched.com/stages.htm

Tips for setting a regular schedule for date nights: http://stayathomeparents.suite101.com/article.cfm/married_dating_ideas

The Scoop

A marriage is a like a garden, the weeds will take over if you don't tend to it daily. I would love to hear your ideas and routines for keeping your marriage happy and healthy. Please send more date night ideas too. I will post a bit of motherly advice on Friday. Over and out…

Anna

Comments

[Danielle G. Van Ess]

Recommended additional reading for all parents-to-be & parents of young children:

Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better As Your Family Grows

http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

[Katy]

Oh, Anna, you have no idea how right on the money this post is! We have been in the "I don't really like you" stage for too long, and are only finally coming back to "I really do love you"! But I love reading that these are actual stages, common enough among the general population to be labeled as such! That does make me feel so much better. : ) We have been working a lot harder lately at making conscious efforts to improve things, and not just letting it drift.

I look forward to having the time later (among, you know, kids, jobs, demands from relatives, etc.) to look at the articles you link to. Thanks for the post!