Growing Pains: Tips for Handling Bullying

The Physical Pain of Growing

The other night Darling 1 woke up sobbing and crying out; the waking part isn't unusual considering we are all terrible sleepers in our house, but the sobbing part wasn't the norm. Between sobs, I finally figured out that he had pain shooting through his shins.

It took a while to calm him down, talk him into taking some Tylenol and soothe him back to sleep. Then, I hit the World Wide Web where I can find the answer to any question I have; and I have a lot of questions. My mom MD diagnosis: growing pains, which are actually quite common for boys of his age. These pains are just a part of growing tall and will pass with time. Growing can quite literally be a pain.

The Psychological Pain of Growing

Growing up isn't easy. I think that's something we can all agree on. It's an obstacle course navigating teen angst, maneuvering through the cliques, learning who you are and who you are not, deciphering social cues, and somewhere sandwiched in between are academics, jobs, sports, etc. Whether you are on the outside of every social circle, or in the center of some and the outskirts of others or smack in the middle of every academic, athletic and social sphere, growing up can figuratively be a pain too. And with so many things to look forward to, worry about and study for a kid shouldn't have to worry about bullies.

I have reached deep into my childhood memories thinking about bullying. I was teased, mostly good-naturedly and at times felt alone, misunderstood, and/or outside of certain groups. But in retrospect that's all part of adolescence and growing up. I was never bullied. In fact, I can't even recall ever seeing kid(s) do anything to another kid that would be considered bullying. I personally don't have any stories about someone being bullied. But based on the stories I've now read in the news and from you all, clearly thing have changed. Bullying appears to be happening more often on school buses, in school halls, bathrooms and gyms, on the playground and other places, sometimes even in the classroom in full view of a teacher.

What's the big deal?

There was a time that bullying was considered a rite of passage; just part of growing up. That is no longer the case. Bullying is serious. It tears down self-confidence. It breaks bones and bloodies lips. It causes depression, real and imagined illnesses and destroys lives, sometimes families. It's not uncommon for a bullied child to end his or her life because the bullying has all but consumed his or her short life. This is not acceptable. Bullying must be stopped.

Tips for Helping Your Child Avoid a Bully and Handle a Bully

After reading numerous sad tales of kids being bullied and researching this topic here are some tips that I found often listed to curtail and/or prevent bullying from happening to your child.

1. Educate yourself and your child about this bullying (See Websites below);
2. Keep communication lines open between you and your child's teachers and school administrators;
3. Enroll your child in classes/organizations/activities that promote self-confidence, build character and allow your child to pursue his/her passions;
4. Flat out try to avoid the bully; have your child use a different route; go somewhere with a friend or two; or avoid certain areas;
5. Teach your child to stand up for him/herself by standing tall, being brave and speaking up: tell the bully to stop; don't show emotions; and try to ignore the bully.
6. Don't be afraid to report the incident to the school officials right away. And if the bullying occurs outside of school (or at school, in some cases), also report the occurrence to the police.
7. Continue to stand up for your child and continue to report these issues to school officials and/or police if the bullying does not stop.
8. Consider taking drastic measures and moving your child to another school or homeschooling. Do not take these matters lightly. It's a big deal to your child.

But What If Your Child is the Bully?

It's easy to say that bullies must come from terrible homes, with terrible parents, but that's not necessarily true. Some parents may be ignorant to the fact that his or her child is behaving this way, others may be uneducated about how to talk to his or her child about bullying and the issues that may be causing the child to act this way, and still others may be trying to get help for his or her child, i.e. anger management counseling, etc. Of course, there are some parents who don't care and don't try, which therein is the problem. Regardless, there are many reasons why a child becomes a bully, and here are some tips for preventing your child from being the bully.

Signs your child is a bully:

• She/he is aggressive, even toward adults.
• She/he likes pushing around and teasing other children.
• She/he dominates and manipulates.
• She/he is a smooth talker in tough situations.
• She/he is easily frustrated.

 How families can help prevent bullying:

• Create a home environment of acceptance, where differences are celebrated and everyone feels valued.
• Encourage your school to develop policies and procedures regarding bullying.
• Ask for a bullying prevention program to be implemented in your school.
• Intervene every time you witness bullying behavior.
• If your child bullies others, provide predictable, consistent, matter-of-fact consequences.
• Support the child who is bullied. Work with the school to provide your child with effective protection against retaliation.
• Encourage bystanders to speak out against bullying behavior and to report it to adults.
• Spend time with your child. All children need a daily, personal connection with parents, teachers and other caring adults.

Source: Washington State Office of the Education Ombudsman

Websites

• This article on Mayo's site provides warning signs to watch for if you suspect your child is being bullied and how to handle the situation if indeed that is the case: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bullying/MH00126
• Kids Health provides additional information about what to do if your child encounters a bully and discusses what makes someone act like a bully and the consequences of being a bully: http://kidshealth.org/kid/grow/school_stuff/bullies.html#
• Focus Adolescent Services further discusses the how, why and who of bullies: http://www.focusas.com/Bullying.html

The Scoop

Information is power. Talk to your kids about bullying. Whether you're concerned that your child is or will be the target of bullies or is or will be the bully, these sites offer great information to get a discussion started with your child. Continue the dialogue on a regular basis. Make sure your child knows he or she can talk to you about anything. Make it a practice to talk to your child about these and other "growing pain" issues and really listen to your child so that when and if your child is bullied, he or she won't be embarrassed to come to you first. I will post a bit of Motherly Advice on Friday. Over and out…

Anna

You might also like:

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Competitive Fire: Tips for Preventing Injuries in Youth Sports

The Power of Mom: Preventing Child Abuse

Comments

[MommyLisa]

Interestingly on Tuesday at Pre-K my daughter got a book and a PHRASE to remember to help the kids understand bullying. Nice they sent the book home so we could talk about it and read the book in our rotation. It makes me feel better!

The book is Howard B. Wigglebottom learns about bullies - by Howard Binkow and Susan E. Cornelison.

The phrase? Be BRAVE, Be Bold, a Teacher MUST be TOLD.

The concept is made for even young children to understand and my daughter sings this phrase now just at random. :)

[Anna]

Great! Thanks for the information. I will have to check out that book. Bullying is certainly a hot topic right now. I'm hopeful that all the information out there will make parents, kids, teachers, school administrators, etc more aware of how to handle these situations.

Thanks again,
Anna

[Howard Binkow]

Visit www.wedolisten.com and click on Bye, Bye Bullies. We offer a free animated version of Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns About Bullies and the Be Brave, Be Bold song that compliments the book along with printable posters, lessons and bullying guidelines and resources .

Howard Binkow
We Do Listen Non Profit Foundation

[Anna]

Thanks for the information on We Do Listen - I will check it out. Another reader mentioned that her daughter was given your book at school with information about how to prevent bullying.

Thanks,
Anna