We're Not Gonna Take It: Anti-Bullying Laws Leaving Kids Unprotected

Welcome to Kindergarten

I'm angry. Not just a little angry, but really angry. Last week I heard a story from a friend on Twitter that really got my dander up. Her 5 year old son, a kindergartener here in the Twin Cities, is being bullied. By his second week of school, this little boy has already been kicked in the stomach, poked with a pencil and mercilessly teased by a 3^rd grader on his school bus. How do you think these attacks will affect his view of school?

After hearing this story, others on Twitter shared stories of their 4, 5 and 6 year olds being physically and verbally bullied by older kids at their schools. While researching this subject, I repeatedly came across terribly sad and disturbing stories of teens taking their own lives after enduring repeated bullying by peers. This is absurd. This is not acceptable. We, as parents, cannot accept this attack on our children. We, as a community, cannot accept this kind of behavior from our youth. Our children should be safe at school. Our children should be able to focus on academics, athletics, art, music and socializing and interacting with peers and teachers in a positive way.

I have a 4 year old. I worry about a lot of things, but this is not something I thought I needed to think about until later. This is a topic I had jotted down on a long list of post ideas for some time in the future. It immediately rose to the top of the list after I heard these stories.

The Outdated Approach

When I started doing research on anti-bullying laws, I was pleasantly surprised to see that so many states have laws on this subject. But then, I started to dig deeper and realized that a great number of these laws are not worth much. Many instruct school districts to have an official policy on bullying and are outdated, not even touching on issues like cyber bullying. That's not going to cut it.

The Conservative Approach

I was especially angered when I found an article in the Minnesota Independent written about Minnesota GOP gubernatorial candidate, Tom Emmer, stating that he would not sign a proposed anti-bullying Safe Schools for All bill, which was vetoed by current governor Tim Pawlenty in 2009. This proposed bill would expand Minnesota anti-bullying statutes to specifically include sexual orientation, gender, nationality and disability. Conservatives say including sexual orientation makes the bill "pro-gay" and reject it on this basis. According to the Minnesota Independent, Emmers says it's up to parents to teach their kids about bullying and how to handle it.

Another Approach

While I agree with Emmers that parents should educate their children about how to handle bullying, I don't agree that there's not a need for laws protecting children being bullied. I have heard from too many parents, the one's talking to their kids about bullying, telling me it's happening to young kids, here in Minnesota. Educating your child about bullying is not enough in my opinion. There should be a law providing consequences and penalties for those doing the bullying.

This has nothing to do with being conservative, liberal, democrat, republican, independent, Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, gay, straight, black, white, brown, male, female, a brain, a jock, an artist, a band geek, popular or not. It's about protecting our children from being beaten, threatened, humiliated and abused by peers. It makes no difference why bullies have decided to brand a particular child as something undesirable, whether it's simply a matter of size, race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, disability, economic status, etc. All children deserve to be safe at school and while going to and from school.

What is Bullying?

Focus Adolescent Services defines bullying as abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims.  Bullying can be a direct attack, which includes teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion and stealing; or the bullying can be a subtle attack accomplished through malicious gossiping, spreading rumors and intentional exclusion.  Both methods result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated. Focus Adolescent Services adds that the key component of bullying is physical or psychological intimidation that occurs repeatedly over time to create an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse.

The Laws

The fact that there is a law neither shields a person from being bullied, nor eliminates such behavior, but if authorities consistently and diligently enforce this law at the very least it can act as a deterrent, providing a consequence for the one(s) bullying and counseling or other aid to the one(s) being bullied.

There are 44 states with anti-bullying laws. Sounds impressive, right? But as I have already mentioned many of these laws are not up-to-date and are not providing much more than a suggestion to school districts to implement a policy on bullying. Bully Police USA provides a link to each state's anti-bullying law and gives a grade from A++ to F to each law.

Making the Grade

Bully Police USA graded each state based on a number of standards. Check to see what your state's grade means. The best laws include the word "bullying", provide counseling for victims, protect teachers and school administrators who report bullying, mandate that all schools implement a specific anti-bullying policy, including educating students, parents and school personnel about the various components of bullying, etc. The states with failing grades have no anti-bullying laws. There are 6 states with no such laws.

The Scoop

Have you or your child been bullied or been the bully? What do you teach your child to do if bullied or if your child witnesses someone being bullied? How does your state's law measure up? What are your thoughts on this subject? Please leave a comment. I love to hear from readers. On Thursday (note the change from Wednesday this week), I will post tips on educating your child about bullying and how to handle these situations, including when your child is the bully.

I realize that I have not discussed cyber bullying at all. I have decided to treat that as a separate topic and post on that subject in a few weeks. Cyber bullying is a whole other beast and certainly an important issue to examine in detail. Over and out…

Anna

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Comments

[Susan Berend]

Very important subject. So big right now. As an elementary school counselor this has become at least 1/2 my day....anti-bullying. We are actually having a presentation on Thursday night at our school bringing in someone to talk about bullying...Hopefully i will go or get info from teachers that do go. Thanks Anna for bringing up this topic....it's huge!

[Molly]

Anna, this was an outstanding post. Nothing more to say than that. Outstanding.

[tracy]

Anna, your post is seriously amazing. I cannot believe what I had to deal with last year with my 1st grader. Mean note, mean pictures, even a wish she was dead from one of her classmates. I was VERY disappointed in how her school handled the situation..and felt like the principal was evidently running for some higher office by the political way she tried to brush us off and give us the ol' "girls will be girls" talk. Well, if my daughters ever acted like any of those "girls will be girls" SHE would be pulled out of school as I would never tolerate my child treating anyone with such disrespect, intolerance and just outright bullshit behavior.
m'kay, I guess I am mad all over again..lol.

Thank you for addressing this issue.
xoxo,t

[darcie]

ugh. Seriously. What is wrong with people these days? Kids AND their parents.
This is so not ok.
As a mother of a kid who is going to start school next year - an over-anxious kid at that - I am terrified of what she will sadly, most likely, encounter as a kid in kindy.
Unacceptable.
Thank you for this post - with the start of school year...I think it's very very timely...
xoxo -

[Betsy]

Thank you for another great post! Bullying laws definitely need some major overhauls. My kids were bullied on the bus a few years ago. We complained to everyone at the school from the bus garage to the Superintendent and got no results. When this "lovely" older girl told my then 10, 9, & 7 year olds that she was going to come to our house and kill our entire family while we slept, we reported her to the police. They came and took our statement, then said it was basically her word against ours...end of story. Thankfully she (and her trouble making brothers) were kicked off the bus shortly after that for swearing at the driver.
I won't even go into the bullying some kids have experienced in our schools, but it pisses me off to no end how poorly it is handled.

[Nic]

Another story nudging me in the direction of home schooling! ;-) Scary, scary stuff. Thanks for posting, Anna. (And I see MinnPost posted this, too. Right on!)

[Kate]

I live in Western Pennsylvania and right now there is an anti-bullying program in both my kids' schools (elementary & middle). It's a new program and has made my kids aware of what bullying is and how to handle it. But, I wonder if the kids who are bullies are getting the message and recognize that their behavior is not ok. I think it's a great idea to talk about this at school; however, I still believe parents need to be teaching their kids how to treat others. And I sometimes think that parents who have a child who is a bully are in denial that their child would ever do such a thing.

[Anna]

Thanks for your comment, Kate.
I agree that parents certainly need to be aware and informed. The dialogue should start at home, but needs to continue in school too. Good to know that your kids' schools have a anti-bullying program in place.

I, too, wonder whether bullies get it or if their parents realize their kids are the bullies. That is why I included information about what to do if you suspect your child is the bully.

Thanks for reading,

Anna

[Anna]

I know exactly what you mean, Nic! It is scary, but being armed with information on how to handle these situations can help!

Thanks for reading! I was excited to see the MinnPost picked up this post!

Anna

[Anna]

Susan, Glad to hear that anti-bullying is on the radar in your school. That's great that you are educating the teachers, parents and students.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks,
Anna

[Anna]

Molly, Thank you for your encouraging words! It means a lot coming from you!

Thanks for reading,
Anna

[Anna]

Tracy,
Thank you for sharing your story about what happened to your daughter. I'm shocked and amazed to hear these stories about bullying that involve such young kiddos. It is so sad. And I can't imagine something like this happening to my children.

Thank you for your kind words about the post. My inspiration was fueled by my anger at hearing these stories, yours included!

Thanks, Anna

[Anna]

Darcie,

Thanks for your comment. I know exactly what you mean. It is so scary to think about sending our little guys to kindergarten where it should be a safe environment, but clearly at times may not be. You are right, this is not acceptable!

Thanks, Anna

[Anna]

Betsy
Thanks for sharing your story. This is exactly the kind of feedback I have read in articles, in emails, etc. No one is willing to do what it takes to put a stop to the bullying. Everyone is too afraid of infringing on the rights of the person being accused of bullying. They are too afraid of lawsuits, etc. The good anti-bullying laws do address this, protecting teachers and administrators who report bullying, etc.

I'm so sorry that these things happened to your kids. Thanks for reading and commenting,
Anna

[Anonymous from MA]

As a Massachusetts parent I am sad to say that although we have antibullying laws (which one site rates an A++), they do NOT protect our children from being bullied. I have a young child who has been bullied since kindergarten. He is now in 3rd grade. My son has speech issues due to hearing issues. This caused some children to make fun of the way he speaks, or just simply try to exclude him, etc... I have dealt with quite a few incidents where my child was bullied IN the school since kindergarten. In one incident, he was physically assaulted. My son did not tell me about the incident until a week or so later. When I went to the principal and his teacher...both said nothing could be done at that point since the incident happened a week or so ago. So I would like others to be very aware that these "anti-bullying" laws are NOT working. In fact, I came online tonight to research the Massachusetts law (which is extremely confusing for the average person to understand)because my son yet again told me that a boy has been bullying him since last year. Parents need to be very aware that many of their children may not even be telling them when they are being bullied...it seems especially true for boys. Possibly they are taught by their peers that it is tattling. I'm not quite sure. I will be going to speak with either the guidance counselor or principal tomorrow about what I found out today from my son. I am not feeling very positive about the outcome though since the schools seem to shy away from taking any action with the problem children who are doing the bullying. I'm sure you and your readers are aware of all the recent suicides in my state. It is terrifying for me, as a parent of a child being bullied, wondering how his emotional well being will be by the time he is in high school. I feel extremely frustrated with all the "hype" surrounding our anti-bullying laws because it is giving others the false impression that all is well in our state and that our children are safe at school. This just isn't true... I have fears that no parent should have to have...will my child be one of the bullycide statistics some day if our laws do not get tougher on the ones doing the bullying? NO parent should have to live this way! I agree absolutely that education on this subject needs to start at home...however, we all need to be realistic and honest with ourselves that many of these children who bully others are not coming from households where the parents care.... I read one story tonight where the father of a bullycide victim said we need to start holding the parents accountable...and I very much agree with this... especially with younger children. These children are probably coming from some very unhealthy home environments and therefore don't even know why they are bullying others and acting out. Parents of young children NEED to be held accountable when their child is doing physical or verbal, etc. harm to other children. I don't see a solution to this problem any other way.... And, I am still struggling with confusion as to why school officials/staff are not taking bullying seriously enough ??????? How many more children need to die or suffer lifelong consequences such as social anxiety before something that WORKS to keep our children SAFE is done???? We all need to think about that........and think about better solutions to bring to the attention of congress... Thank You

[Anna]

Anonymous from MA

Thank you for your comment. I completely understand where you are coming from, and my heart breaks for your son. As a mom of two boys, I completely agree with you that boys do seem particularly reluctant to talk about bullying incidents, or really much at all that goes on at school, whether postive or negative. I, myself, just found out from my 4 year old that a "bad boy" as my son puts it, in his class punched him in the arm last week and has been bothering all the kids and is extremely physical. My son has decided he would like to end his educational experience now in week 4 of Pre-K because this boy has been so bothersome to him and his classmates. While I am concerned by these reports (and will deal with it), this is not an extreme case at all. Yet it still worries me down the line how this and other incidents will affect him, as you mention, as well.

I always try to stress to my boys that they can tell me anything at anytime and I will still love them and help them through anything. It's so hard being a parent and watching your child go out into the big, bad world.

I am truly thankful for you sharing your story. I do hope that you are able to get somewhere with the authorities at your son's school and remedy this issue once and for all.

I do appreciate hearing from you in MA too. I did notice that MA's law was given a A++. Not sure why the authorities are always so quick to protect the rights and privacy of those doing the bullying. They should be worried about lawsuits from those being bullied in school and left unprotected.

Thanks again, Anna

[mark]

Part of the problem, I think is that we do have a strong cultural prohibition against "tattling", which is a real problem, because when our citizens see something be done wrong, then they have a conflict of how to deal with it effectively.

So when it comes to bullying, there is a two fold problem. The double bind if you will. I don't know how to stop it without resorting to physical violence myself, nor can I tell anyone because it's tattling, and I'm "supposed to handle this on my own. That I can't shows I'm weak, and therefore There is nothing that I can do, I'm stuck. Now what?

Laws are fine, but really, in my opinion, we need to shift our system to promote, support and encourage/reward individual responsibility. There are too many instances of the laws supporting bad behavior, such as financial rules or always "proving" allegations, when in fact many times the behavior itself can be seen as the entire story, and therefore should be dealt with without fear of discrimination or sanction for doing the right thing.

But our culture allows people to get away with literal murder, and all the other has to say is "prove it". I don't condone of course false allegations, but today, many lawyers have in fact made up stories in pursuit of their client's interests. That isn't right. Just my take.