A Deep Sense of Failure

Advice is always free...

~From a Sign Outside a Computer Repair Store

I'm at a fork in the road. I don't know which path to take. It donned on me that I needed to get some advice from someone.

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks; I don't have anyone other than my mom and my husband that I go to for advice; to talk things through. While I value their advice, sometimes my mom and my husband are too close to the situation to offer an unbiased opinion; as is the case here.

I'm not usually the one who seeks advice {at least not from other people}; I'm the giver of advice in most cases. This realization made me feel crumpled and alone.

While advice may be free and come from many sources, I need real, honest to God direction; not lip service. It's not always easy to get that kind of support.

I've never been one to reveal all the cards in my hand. I may share various pieces, but I don't let many see the whole picture.

I rely hardily on myself. I apply pressure, criticism and perfectionism by the ton. I don't always provide unbiased advice to myself. I have high expectations; few things ever live up to those expectations.

I often feel that I miss the mark and fail at what I am trying to do; what my aspiration is.

On Saturday morning, while getting a pair of socks from my dresser drawer, I saw my worn and weathered, but always steadfast in its message, devotional book. I keep it in my sock drawer, the top level of my tall dresser, where the two little boys don't often venture with wondering eyes and inquisitive hands.

My devotional has long been without its cover and the pages are yellowing, the spine broken, some pages are unattached and others torn. This little book has been through a lot; including surviving the infancy and toddlerhood of the two curious boys. Yet, each day of each year the message holds true.

On Saturday morning when rifling through hoards of brown socks, searching for 1 pair of matching black socks, I saw my little devotional which had been ignored for the last several days. My fingers flipped through the old pages to find March 3.

In part, it read:

Your very deep sense of failure is a sure sign that you are growing...Remember too, it is only struggle that hurts. In sloth, spiritual or mental or physical, there is no sense of failure or discomfort, but with action, with effort, you are conscious not of strength but of weakness – at least, at first.

So, it is with prayerful and careful soul searching thought that I have decided to continue to write and publish here at Motherly Law.

You see, after reaching the second year milestone this past week, I began to question the purpose of it all. This project takes up a great deal of my time and energy and grows in tiny increments from month to month and year to year, with occasional stagnate periods.

I love to write; I aspire to continue to write much more than this blog. But I began to wonder if all was merely a waste of my time with no point now or in the future; I questioned if my writing is not at a level that is deemed worthy to be shared, as one would a good book or article or blog that has made it to the "bigtime" {for that is how a blog grows and gains ground}.

I still don't know the answers to those questions, but I will continue on unless I find that my questions have merit to them. Over and out...

Anna

Comments

[Julie H]

I love reading and I am glad you are sticking with it. Sending love and prayers your way!

[Sally]

Anna,I love reading this blog,and look forward to it every day.You are such a good writer,and have so much to say.I would hate to see you stop.I know a number of people read it.Sometimes your words are such a comfort to me, and they make me feel so much better.
I send my love to all of you.
love,
Sally

[Theresa]

Well done Anna! So glad you will continue. You have a lot worth saying and worth reading.

[TLM]

I am in total agreement with all the above, however, I am torn because if not writing it gives you more rest time, more time for work and promoting your new business, and more quality time with your family, and less stress for you, I am all for that!! But don't stop if you feel your writing is not worthy or not relevant, or inconsequential because that would be sooooo wrong. Your writing is sooooo good and means so much to lots of people and is informing and life changing (you have made people change their driving habits and who knows maybe saved some lives) I hope that you can get help in other areas to save you time and keep writing!! :)

[Barbara Ball]

It sounds like you read "God Calling" I have found that what God says in that devotional has been righton in my life. I have grown more in the last year(one of the hardest years of my life) because I not only listened to God but put action to His Words. And just as the two women of the devotional book prayed together and listened together your Mom and I have done that. I can't tell you the power I have felt. Find a trustworthy prayer partner (where two or more agree) Now I can praise God for trouble because it has made my faith stronger. I love you and your dear family dearly and pray (along with your mother) for you that God will open floodgates of Blessings on you and your family. Aunt Barbara

[JAM]

I read it, I listen and sometimes even give advice freely, but I have to be plied with coffee...strong, dark and frothy. See you?