Motherly Law

F is for Fear: Bad School Policies Affecting Good Kids {On a Soapbox....on a Tuesday}

School Contraband

I really hate the stories about the students, mostly boys, who once at school discover they have accidently brought a toy gun or small pocket knife in their backpack, book bag, lunch box or coat pocket; who report this to the teacher because the student knows this is contraband that shouldn't be at school; only to be tossed out of school and receive a record of bringing a "weapon" to school and a school suspension.

A boy from Georgia did just this a week or so ago. While in chess club, the 13 year old middle school student, discovered the 1.5 inch knife in the military style bag his aunt bought at a yard sale and gave him as a Christmas gift. The boy, upon discovering this knife, immediately alerted his teacher. His reward for this honest act? A 4-day, in-school suspension.

The Wrong Message

I can't tell you how angry this story and others like it make me. Disciplining an honest, well-meaning child in this way teaches two negative lessons: 1) don't tell the truth and 2) justice is a fraud.

We tell our children to tell the truth; honesty is the best policy. We tell our children that justice will prevail; the innocent will be free and the guilty punished.

And yet, our schools have responded to isolated incidents of evilness with fear. This fear has caused them to write harsh and unfair policies regarding ANY "weapons" brought to school, whether real or perceived, under ANY circumstances.

Lessons Learned

These school policies teach children to hide the truth {and the contraband} should they make such a discovery in their bags or pockets. These policies teach children that mens rea, or intent, doesn't matter, motives are unimportant, they are guilty by association and the school need not have any evidence to present against them to be found guilty of this "crime." These are lessons our students will learn at a young age and take with them all through school and into their adulthood.

We have thrown out the common sense response to the self-reporting of accidently {or unbeknownst to the student, as in this case} bringing a toy weapon or small knife to school. The response in such cases should be kind and appreciative. We should applaud and welcome those who come forward to admit the mistake and turn in the contraband; then remind all the students of the dangers of having any weapons, toy or otherwise, at school for a variety of reasons and tell them to carefully check their bags and remove any such items before coming to school.

The Scoop

Schools, in trying to protect the students, have instead hurt some of the "good" students. These policies are bad. These kinds of stories almost always make the news because they are unjust policies. Why must we punish the truthful, rule-following, upstanding students? The simple answer is Fear.

Fear controls much of how we run our lives. We must overcome fear and recognize the difference between students who are a threat and in need of intervention and students who are well-meaning, good kids, who sometimes make and honest mistake. Over and out...

Anna

EpiPen Access in Schools: Anaphylactic Emergencies and Common Sense

Food Allergies

While my boys don't have any food allergies that I'm aware of, as a mom, I can understand the fear and anxiety that a parent of a child with food allergies must feel when his or her child is in the care of anyone else. I would imagine going to any public location could be dangerous, especially for those with severe allergies to commonly consumed foods like nuts, eggs and dairy products.

The worry of not knowing if a peanut butter and jelly sandwich had been eaten by the former occupant of a picnic table at the park; if the birthday party your child is attending is serving milk to all the kids; or if all the kids in your child's classroom are aware of the severity of the allergy and the dire consequences if the particular food comes in contact with your child could be all-consuming I would imagine. I would think it would be enough to make a parent obsessed with making sure everyone is aware of these allergies.

A food allergy is not to be taken lightly. A child with a severe food allergy could die very quickly if the allergen has any kind of contact with the child and the child does not have immediate access to epinephrine. This very sad truth has recently been in the news.

Ammaria's Tragic Death

Ammaria Johnson, age 7, died at school on her first day back to school in January after the winter break when a classmate, unaware of her allergy, gave Ammaria a peanut to eat while the girls were out on the playground. Shortly thereafter, after noticing hives and having trouble breathing, Ammaria sought help.

The school clinic didn't have an EpiPen on file for Ammaria. An EpiPen, or an Epinephrine auto-injector, quickly and easily is injected into a person suffering from an anaphylactic emergency, thereby reversing the reaction and saving a life. Instead, Ammaria went into cardiac arrest and died before Epinephrine could be administered to her.

EpiPens

EpiPens are by prescription only. Many kids with allergies keep a prescribed EpiPen with their names on them in the nurse's office at school for such emergencies. However, studies have shown that anaphylactic emergencies at school often occur with no prior knowledge of such an allergy.

However, if a child and/or staff member without a prescribed EpiPen on file with the school nurse's office goes into anaphylactic shock, even if there is an EpiPen available for another child, school personnel cannot administer that life-saving medication due to legal issues. More than likely, there was an EpiPen in the very school clinic where Ammaria died.

This and other such tragedies are too much too bear. When there is a life-saving solution available at one's fingertips, one should have access to it. There should be no "red tape" or threat of lawsuit, criminal prosecution or loss of license stopping anyone from administering this life-giving serum.

School Access to Emergency Epinephrine Act

Last November, a bill that would cut through this red tape and give those in need of an EpiPen at school access regardless of whether there was one on file for that particular child was introduced in the U.S. Senate (S. 1884). And in December, this bill was introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives (HR. 3627). It has now been referred to the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions and House Committee on Energy and Commerce.

The School Access to Emergency Epinephrine Act would allow for schools to maintain a stock of EpiPens and administer such injections, just as they do bandages. The stock of EpiPens would not be prescribed to any particular students, but would instead be at the ready for any child and/or staff who experienced an anaphylactic emergency while at school.

This bill does allow for protection of school personnel from liability in administering such emergency injection. However, it's worth noting that if epinephrine is administered without need, a child would merely experience light-headedness, rapid heart rate and nausea, which would last only 15 minutes or so. Epinephrine is dangerous only to children with congenital heart conditions, which should be noted in school records. On the flip side, a child in need of epinephrine can die without it.

The Scoop

While this act is too late to save Ammaria, it could be instrumental in preventing many other deaths in similar circumstances. Ammaria is certainly not the first child to die at school due to anaphylactic shock, and she won't be the last if this common sense bill doesn't become law.

The saddest part of this story is that Ammaria's death was preventable, but we have become too restrained by the threat of punitive actions if protocol is not followed precisely. When a child's life is in danger, all protocol should go out the window.

If you feel strongly about this bill, please email your U.S. senators and representatives. This is a nonpartisan issue we can all support. Over and out...

Anna

Motherly Advice: When Parenting Brings Out the Worst in a Person

They say parenting brings out the best in a person. Parenting has brought out a lot in me; sides of me I had never seen before and hope to never see again. I sure hope that's not the best of me because if it is at best I'm crabby, irrational and always tired.

Yesterday I finished up my shopping. I was at Target in the kids' shoes looking at boys' slippers. There was another mom there with her three sons. They were also looking at boys' slippers. One of the sons, in particular, was being difficult about choosing a pair of slippers that fit correctly. And the mom was being just as difficult. Later, I heard her again; still being difficult in the boys' clothes department. She had had enough; she needed a break.

Years ago, before I had kids, I would have judged her a bad mom. I would have felt sorry for her boys. I would have thought how I would do it differently. Today, she got no judgment from me. I have been there....many times...many, many times.

In fact, every parent has been, and if you can't admit to it, then you or your children are angels disguised as humans or you or your children are robots. The mom I saw today needed some time alone and perhaps a glass of wine or a cup of tea or a whole bag of chocolate kisses or a hot shower or a good night of sleep or something else, but she'll get over her funk; I can't guarantee that the difficult son will go over his mood, but she will. And this doesn't mean she's a bad parent; this just means she's human.

Parenting is always a challenge; life is often difficult; and life in Minnesota during the very short days and long, dark nights of December is cruel. Getting upset with your child is normal, but there is never, never, never a time that punching your child in the face is alright. Sadly, this past week, a Twin Cities man did just this to his 8^th grade son.

The man and his son were walking out of school after the son's basketball game and he began punching his son repeatedly in the face. I don't know this man's story, but I don't have to. There is simply never a time that it's OK to punch your child; not at home in private; not at school in public; not anywhere; not ever.

Other parents restrained this man and called the police. The man was arrested and spent the night in jail, but was bailed out without any conditions the following day. Fortunately, the son did not need medical attention and will recover; that is, his physical wounds will heal. Unfortunately, this public display of abuse was probably not the first, nor the last, violence this child will suffer at the hand of his parent.

During this time of joy and festivities, let us not forget that the best gift we can give our children is a good example. Of course, this is harder than it sounds. So, let us also not forget that the best gift we can give ourselves is time; time away; time alone; time to relieve stresses; time to rejuvenate; time to forgive our shortcomings and disappointments; time to remember why we love our children. Over and out...

Anna

Mountains Out of Molehills: The Power of Overreacting Re: Social Media

The Right to Express an Opinion

I have always been of the opinion that respect is earned; it is not simply applied to someone based on age and experience. There are those whose opinions on this matter differ from mine. But it is my opinion that sometimes a person of little experience and only a decade or so of years on this earth may have more common sense and intellect than a person with a great many years of life under the belt.

I have also always valued my constitutional rights, especially freedom of speech. I like to express myself through speech; and I don't like to be held back when articulating my opinion, as is often made clear here on Motherly Law. Social media platforms, in general, afford many opportunities for using our freedom of speech in ways our founding fathers would have never dreamed of.

A person enjoys this right regardless of education, background, age or financial status. Of course, some of these rights are lessened or restricted when dealing with minors, particularly when dealing with students. And yet, students must not be muzzled or taught that they are not free to stand up for what they believe in or agree with and express their opinion.

While there is not a lawsuit involved in this instance, it does allow for an interesting case study.

@emmakate988

The week of Thanksgiving, Emma Sullivan, a senior in high school, and her classmates from Shawnee Mission East High School in Prairie Village, KS, visited the Kansas State Capitol. Apparently, while on the tour of the capitol, Sullivan tweeted to her 60 or so friends following her on Twitter this statement:

"Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot"

Sophisticated? No. Polite? No. Funny? Inappropriate? I guess it depends on your age and opinion of Gov. Brownback. Something to make a fuss over? Not in my opinion.

To be clear, Sullivan did not actually make any mean comments, in person, to Brownback, but Sullivan doesn't agree with some of Brownback's policies and was particularly disappointed by the recent cuts to state aid to schools.

After some of her friends were joking about what they would really like to say about Brownback, she took out her phone and sent this tweet. She says she merely wished to get a laugh from her friends on Twitter. That was it. She didn't think much about it.

The Overreaction

This statement would have been seen only by Sullivan's 60 followers on Twitter, if that many, if Brownback's Director of Communications, Sherienne Jones-Sontag, had not made a stink of it after running a routine search of Brownback's name on Twitter.

Instead, Jones-Sontag contacted Sullivan's principal and reported her tweet to him because it wasn't respectful. Based on this statement, I am assuming that if Sullivan had tweeted something along the lines of, "Wow, I am in awe of our amazing governor; what an honor it is to meet him" Jones-Sontag wouldn't have contacted the high school.

However, it wasn't and she did. Sullivan was then called into the principal's office and told to write an apology letter to the Gov. Brownback, the school's Youth in Government sponsor, the districts social studies coordinator and others. Sullivan reported to the Wichita Eagle that her principal had said it was embarrassing and that she had created a huge controversy.

Jones-Sontag felt that the tweet was inappropriate and thought the organizers of this school-sponsored state capitol visit should be aware of what was being said by a student in the group.

The school district spokesperson, Leigh Anne Neal, issued a statement to the Wichita Eagle explaining the school district's policy, in general, prior to being fully apprised of this incident,

"...students on school-sponsored field trips, in which they are representing the school, would be expected to conduct themselves in accordance with school district policies, including use of electronic devices. Students may express their personal beliefs, views and opinions, as long as they do so appropriately and in accordance with school policies."

Ironically, just a few days after this incident and the media coverage across the country, Sullivan had several thousand followers on Twitter. She now has almost 16,000 followers. So, is Sullivan one of these young, teen pundits spouting off about candidates and politics? No, not in the least. In fact, before this incident on November 21^st, Sullivan was like most teens, conversing with friends about teen topics, with a number of tweets regarding the new Twilight movie.

Playing Nice

And yet, even after all of this media attention and the 15,000 plus followers, Sullivan is still not using her voice simply for the sake of getting attention. She has tweeted only a few statements regarding this issue.

In another ironic twist, it was Gov. Brownback, not Sullivan, who issued the apology last Monday. Brownback stated that his staff had overreacted to this tweet and was sorry for that. Sullivan decided not to write the letters of apology and the school backed down from their demand that she do so because they felt that she had a constitutional right to express her opinion regarding the governor and did not break any rules.

The Scoop

According to the New York Daily News, Jones-Sontag had this gem of wisdom to offer, "It's also important for students to recognize the power of social media, how lasting it is. It is on the Internet."

Now, isn't that really a lesson for Jones-Sontag to learn? After all, if Jones-Sontag had simply left well-enough alone and never brought Sullivan's tweet to the attention of her principal and the school trip organizers, Sullivan would still have 60 followers on Twitter and neither the national media nor I would know the names Sherienne Jones-Sontag or Emma Sullivan.

So, yes, Sherienne, social media can be powerful and viral, if a statement is made by a celebrity of some sort or if an obscure tweet is brought to the attention of the country. In this case, Jones-Sontag's overreaction to an obscure 18 year-old girl's completely harmless tweet, ended up heaping negative attention on herself.

In the end, Sullivan and Brownback came out looking good. Sullivan stood her ground and won; and Brownback realized the overreaction and quickly put a stop to damaging his own name and reputation by issuing an apology. Fortunately, all legal action has been avoided in this account; and all ended well.

Except, that is, that students in Sullivan's school are now harassing and bullying her over this tweet and the ensuring media attention. She seems to again be standing her ground and taking it all in stride, saying in one tweet, "let's move on." Her original tweet that started this episode may not have been elegant, but Sullivan seems to have conducted herself very appropriately in handling this matter. Over and out...

Anna

Child Obesity: What’s in the Child’s Best Interest?

Truly a Growing Problem?

I came across an interesting article earlier this week, and I'm not even sure what my opinion is regarding this matter. It has to do with weight. Weight is a touchy issue; very few of us, have never struggled with a weight issue, whether the issue was to lose weight or gain weight. At various times of my life I have been on both sides of this issue.

Let me also preface this subject by saying that I have tall, muscular, broad kids (both built like their daddy) who both tip the scales at the top of their age ranges; they also rank in the top of height percentiles, as well. In fact, at the last well-check of each Darling Boy the pediatrician explained that based on their weights alone, he was forced to check them off as "obese" for insurance purposes. This reporting is done anonymously in a large pool of all kids who have well-checks, based on specific ages.

My children are not obese for any other purpose (check out those sweet, skinny boys above & don't let the 3 year-old's pudgy cheeks fool you; he's the skinniest). I, of course, spoke up and argued this point. While my sons' pediatrician agreed with me, he told me that his hands were tied because this "mandatory" reporting is linked to insurance companies paying the doctors for their services to patients. He went on to tell me that every big, strong high school athlete he had recently seen for school physicals were also labeled as "obese" for the insurance reports.

Now, this makes me think twice when I see the reports of the high percentages of obese kids; and all of the reports, studies, groups and grants concerning this issue. At the same time, I know there are kids who are obese and who need to learn how to eat a nutritional, balanced diet and exercise on a daily basis. There are also kids who have a genetic predisposition to weight gain. And now for the story I read. Then, you can decide where you stand on this topic.

200 Pound Third Grader

This subtitle reads like a tabloid article, and you can just picture the photo running with the headline in the newsprint placed next to the bubble gum at the checkout counter, but this is sadly true. A boy in third grade weighing 200 pounds was removed from his mother's custody and placed with a foster family due to his weight related health issues. The mother had taken her son to a hospital last year when he started to have breathing problems; clearly, a concerned parent. It was determined that he has sleep apnea. At that time, the hospital enrolled him in program aimed at reducing his weight. Through that program, he was being monitored by social workers and had been losing some weight, but had recently begun to gain weight again.

When he started putting pounds on, the social workers asked a juvenile court to remove the boy from his mother's custody based on his obesity as a medical neglect issue. The boy's mother claimed that she was following the dietary guidelines provided by the hospital program and was doing her best to help her child.

Obesity as Neglect

This may seem extreme, but remember the court's duty is to do what is in a child's best interest. So, is this in the child's best interest? What if the child was severely underweight instead of grossly overweight? How would you feel about this issue then? If the child appeared to be starving, the court would remove the child in this instance too. The court must do its best to ensure that any child that comes to its attention has a clean, safe and healthy environment with adequate nutrition and direction in which to live and grow.

Clearly, this is an extreme case, but it has happened before. The article I read from ABC News cited a 90 pound 3 year old girl who was removed from her parents' home for two months due to her large size and inability to lose weight in her parent's care. She was returned to her parents when it was determined that she had a genetic predisposition and she did not lose any weight while in foster care despite following strict guidelines.

The Scoop

Are we going overboard on the subject of obese kids? Is obesity a legitimate cause for concern and reason to lose custody of your child, even temporarily? For me, this is hard question. How do you feel about this issue? No matter which way you view this story and others like it, it's very sad for the child and the parents involved. Over and out...

Anna

Choose Your Side Carefully: A Word to the Students of Penn State {On a Soapbox}

Kill the Messenger?

Hold the stinkin' phone. I just found my soapbox. I had been planning to note the various sad, ludicrous state of affairs repeated over and over again on every news medium concerning myriad subjects. Then, I read that Mike McQueary, the one-time grad student who gave the most damning testimony before the grand jury, had been sidelined and won't be at tomorrow's Penn State game due to threats. In fact, PSU has now placed him on administrative leave.

I was already quite disappointed to read how a number of the PSU student body reacted to the firing of Head Coach Joe Paterno by rioting in the streets. This demonstration was ridiculous. Paterno may have met his legal obligation, but his moral compass was off....perhaps for a good many years, with regards to Jerry Sandusky.

What I can't find is additional information about the threats received by McQueary, and who is threatening him. My assumption is that it's past and/or present students and diehard fans who have misplaced their fury involving this far reaching university shakedown.

Making Sense of It All

The anger, resentment and disgust should be placed firmly on the shoulders of Sandusky. The disappointment falls to the PSU administrators who knew of these sick and illegal actions perpetrated by Sandusky, but did nothing to stop it and failed to alert authorities to these crimes. Sadness shelters these vulnerable boys, known as victims 1 – 8. The utter disbelief goes to students who reacted so inappropriately at the news of the PSU Trustees' decision to fire Paterno and the University President.

How deep with festering sore reaches into the heart of this University is yet to be seen, but this must serve as a reminder to all of us that when we see or hear of an injustice, an inappropriate action or questionable situation, we must not turn a blind eye simply because we can't believe it, because it might be difficult for a family, a church, a business, the adoring public, a school to accept or that it will bring down a respected, prestigious, wealthy, well-known figure. These are excuses and are irrelevant.

The focus must be on what is right and wrong; whether a person is being harmed; whether some wrongdoing is afoot. It matters not who is committing the crime; no one is above the law. And eventually that person will be exposed for who he or she really is and this might mean bringing down a whole institution, but so be it.

A Message to the Students

To the students of PSU*, don't be fools; stand on the right side of this playing field. It takes a strong person to support the weak, the unheard, the forgotten; it takes weak, insignificant, superficial person to say we don't care about the morals, the crimes, the children; the game must be won at all costs. So, students of PSU, one day when you have children, what will you think of your actions? What will you tell your children about this chapter of your college career? There is still time to rectify your misguided stance. I believe you are better than this; prove me right. Over and out...

Anna

*I realize that PSU is a very large campus and not all of the students are acting in this way, but these few are destroying the image of the student body as a whole.

Something Different: IDEA Part C Updates to Take Effect

Gawking Strangers

The stares. I'm still not used to the stares. And it's not kids; it's adults; it's other parents. We were surprised by this part of it. I suppose we shouldn't have been though. Three weeks ago, Darling 1 got two casts from below his knees down to his toes. He isn't hurt; he isn't in pain. He is a toewalker and has been since he began walking at 10 months.

I've been working on treatment for this since that time. Finally, he's getting treatment. He's growing new muscle in his calves that will give him more range of motion. We have a remedy. Every Tuesday he gets new casts, slowly, but surely changing the angle of his foot.

The Casts

The new casts each week is the fun part of this process. He is being very brave, and we are very proud of him. He has had only a few melt-downs about not being able to wiggle his toes or being itchy, etc. But he knows what the casts are doing, and he wants to be able to walk flat-footed. So, he endures.

His friends, classmates and teachers have been wonderful about it. They love to see what colors and designs will show up each Wednesday. They are totally accepting of his new look. Darling 1 gets around perfectly fine; he just can't run, but he can walk really fast.

Mind Your Own Beeswax

The adults we come in contact with, or merely pass by, are the ones who stare and ask questions; questions that make Darling 1 cast a fixed gaze to the ground. The stares have gotten to me. I stare back. I answer the probing questions from strangers with terse, vague answers. Darling 1 hasn't noticed that anyone is rubber-necking as they drive by as he happily walks along next to me on our way home from school or as we amble into the store from a parking lot or as he easily makes his way up, over, under and through the playground equipment at the park or while we wait to be called back for our appointment at Children's Hospital. Thank God.

I know these strangers don't mean any harm; they don't mean to be rude; they're simply curious. "Two casts?" "Wow, two broken legs?" "Oh, that must hurt?" "What did you do?" Well, when you're 5 years old and just want to fit in and you see the differences, those questions can be hurtful and perplexing.

I won't pretend to know all the heartbreak, the difficulties or the joys and the pride of raising a child with extreme disabilities. I'm sure they are many. But I now have a new appreciation for the outward appearance of something different from others, i.e. helmets, leg braces, etc.

IDEA Part C

If your young child has developmental delays or disabilities, you should be aware that on Friday, October 28, 2011, new, updated Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) Part C regulations will take effect. IDEA Part C applies to the youngest of those at risk; birth to 2 years. Part C has been around since 1986, but has not been fully updated since 1999 (there was a statutory update in 2004).

Well, a lot has changed in our world since 1999. Check for specific information or topics in this side-by-side comparison of new and old text. There is a lot of text (over 900 pages); so, I suggest looking up the subject you are interested in and viewing those parts, as opposed to reading through all the regulations.

There are agencies trying to wade through these new texts and get summaries and outlines out. Here are a few websites to watch for more information: National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (NICHCY), idea Partnership and the U.S. Department of Education.

IDEA aides over 340,000 children and infants. This federal grant program provides over 400 million dollars to State run IDEA programs. This program assists States in facilitating early intervention programs for infants and toddlers with disabilities and developmental delays. The objective is to prepare as many of these kids as possible for preschool and kindergarten to ensure a greater rate of educational success for these high needs kids.

The Scoop

If your child falls into these categories be sure to monitor the changes on the sites listed above. I also don't pretend to know much about the laws governing special needs and disabilities, etc., but the sites listed above specialize in these areas. And if your child does not fall into these categories, remember... please don't stare when you see a child who is different in some way. Over and out...

Anna

Uniting in Orange: Celebrating National Bullying Prevention Month

Friends

Yesterday I picked up my Kindergartener a few minutes early to take him to a doctor appointment. Several of his buddies came over to see where he was going and why he was leaving school early. One girl rushed over and gave him a huge hug. Darling 1 awkwardly hugged her back. Then, his two best buddies, followed suit and each gave him a hug. It was really heart-warming to see the camaraderie and support between them after just a little more than a month of school.

With each passing day I meet more kids from his class. Each one has been friendly and interesting, and my son refers to each of them as his friends. So far, this is the case. They are all friends; genuinely interested in learning about each other, helping each other and playing/learning together.

When does that change? When does that innocence and kindness disappear? When do they become competitors; each vying for a top spot in the hierarchy of popularity? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know it hasn't started yet, and I will relish these naive times for as long as they last.

Unity Day

Today is Unity Day, a day to come together in support of preventing bullying in all forms. Wear orange today to show that you are standing up and joining forces to stop bullying.

If we join together, teaching our children how to respond to bullying, aimed at them and at others around them, and how to treat one another; and we, as adults, act accordingly to each other, then we can unite together to snuff out bullying.

You may think of bullying as a schoolyard scuffle or "mean girls" sending rude emails that don't mean much to anyone, but the truth is bullying can feel like total defeat, the end of the world, a hole with no way out to kids of all ages.

Bullying can and does lead to depression, suicide or in some cases even murder. Bullying should not be ignored, regardless of whether your child is the target of a bully or doing the bullying. Bullying is a serious issue that should never be taken lightly.

The Scoop

Unity Day is sponsored by PACER. PACER is a parent training and information center for families of children and youth of all disabilities from birth to 21 years of age. Today and Wednesday, October 26, 2011, are devoted to bully awareness and prevention during October, National Bullying Prevention Month. PACER is sponsoring a Unity Dance Day on October 26^th.

Tomorrow I will discuss ways of handling bullying if your child is the target or the aggressor. Today put on orange, visit PACER's bullying information page and find out how you can help prevent bullying and talk about bullying with your child. You'll probably be surprised how much they already know.

My son's school is participating in this PACER campaign. Find out if your child's school has an anti-bullying policy and how they implement it. (Um, I know the jack-o-lantern on the t-shirt looks a little menacing, but it's Darling 1's only orange shirt, and he doesn't think the pumpkin is mean). Over and out...

Anna

 

 

 

 

Standing Up for What’s Right: Cyberbullying Prevention Part II

Bullying is NOT OK

As I sat watching my own two Darlings scamper about at the indoor mall play area, I noticed a boy about 7 years old talking to another boy who was probably around 4 years old. The 4 year old looked distressed and the 7 year old kept running after him and getting in him face, saying something to him that I couldn't hear. I watched the two for a while and decided they were probably brothers.

I glanced at the parents sitting in the play area, trying to figure out who the kids belonged to. No one seemed to be paying any attention to them but me. The older boy seemed to be trying to get the younger boy to leave the play area, but then the older boy wouldn't give the younger boy his shoes.

Now, the younger boy was crying. Again, I looked around for a mom, dad, grandma or nanny to come to the younger boy's rescue. There was no one. I know how brothers act together, and after closer observation, I decided the boys were merely together; under the care of the same person, perhaps.

I got up and walked over to the older boy. I was beside him. I bent low to his ear and said, "Give the boy his shoes. It's not OK to bully." He looked at me for a moment as if trying to comprehend my words; as if no one had ever said anything like that to him before. He started to say something that sounded like an excuse. Again, I repeated, "Give the boy his shoe." He handed the boy his shoes; the younger boy put them on; and the two ran out of the play area to a store across the way.

No other parent in the play area even noticed this exchange. Darling 1 noticed though. I'm not one to keep my mouth shut when I see mistreatment of a child, an animal or another who appears to need my help. And my children know this. They have seen me do things like this before. I'm hopeful this lesson of standing up for the downtrodden, mistreated and bullied will resonate through them and spur them to act when they see a fellow student, friend or stranger in need of assistance.

Causes of Cyberbullying

Bullying occurs at all ages, starting from very young and continuing all through life. It's a part of life. Learning how to deal with bullies is important, although often bullying escalates to a degree that a parent, school administrator and/or law enforcement officers must be brought in to aid the situation.

The same is true of cyberbullying except that it usually doesn't start until the teen years. This is when kids are more likely to have less limited access to computers at home, schools and public libraries and perhaps even have his or her own cell phone with texting, Internet and photo capabilities.

This is the age that parents may be less vigilant and less controlling about what their kids are doing online and on their phones. Just as with physical and mental in-person bullying, there are many degrees of cyberbullying. In many instances the kids can either ignore it or deal with it themselves by simply calling out the bully or blocking the bully. In other instances, it's severe, on-going or escalating and parents, school administrators and/or law enforcement officers should be brought into the picture.

Why Pick on Someone

In most instances, the bully is a classmate or "friend" who uses email, social media platforms and/or text messages to spread rumors, issue threats or publicly humiliate a person. It can be baffling to the person being bullied. Anything, even seemingly trivial events or attributes, can bring about cyberbullying; a would-be bully may perceive a classmate as being too fat, too pretty, too smart, too skinny, too athletic, or having too many friends or stealing the bully's friends or stealing someone's boyfriend or girlfriend or having too many freckles or not enough money or too much money or not wearing the right clothes or wearing black or making the cheerleader squad or running for student council.

There is no end to the reasons why a kid might choose to pick on another kid. And teens can be very creative and irrational when it comes to their wrath. Some of the threats are no laughing matter at all. Some cyberbullies threaten death to the classmate and his or her family; or what may be seen as worse than death they threaten to {or do} disclose information that could destroy a teen's social standing or reputation, which is of vital importance to a teen.

Warning Signs

Kids may be reluctant to tell a parent or teacher because they are ashamed about the bullying or concerned about a parent or teacher finding out about the embarrassing and/or hurtful information shared by the bully. With this in mind, it's important to watch for signs that your child is enduring cyberbullying or is the cyberbully.

If you notice your child:

• changing his or her computer and/or phone habits;
• ignoring the phone or incoming texts;
• becoming withdrawn from the family, friends, school or life, in general;
• getting in trouble at school or acting out at home;
• performing poorly at school;
• acting nervous, upset, depressed or moodier than normal; and/or
• changing sleep patterns or suffering a loss of appetite

It's a good time to talk to your teen and check the computer and phone for signs of cyberbullying.

And if you notice your child

• shielding his or her computer screen from you;
• quickly changing/closing screens when you or others go near;
• urgently monitoring online accounts;
• using additional accounts for email and social media; and/or
• acting particularly elusive about his or her online/phone activities and/or contacts

it's also a good time to talk to your teen and check the computer and phone for signs that your child is the cyberbully.

The Scoop

Teens are excellent about hiding information from their parents. It may be difficult to know whether cyberbullying is an issue, but it could be critical to your child's physical and mental well-being to know for sure whether your child is a victim of cyberbullying. I'll discuss what to do if your child is experiencing cyberbullying in my next article this week. Over and out...

Anna

Times Have Changed: Cyberbullying Prevention Part I

The Dark Ages of the '80s & '90s

When I was a young teen there were no smart phones, no texting, no Internet, no wifi, no Facebook, no Twitter, no email, but we did have landlines. It sounds strange to think that we were once limited by the length of the cord on our phones.

My friends and I used our phones constantly. We called each other, and we called boys; sometimes we talked to them; sometimes we called on each other's behalf, which made it very difficult for the boy to ever figure out exactly who did like him; but mostly we hung up in fits of laughter, over and over again. And we could do this because Caller ID had not been invented yet. Ah, the freedoms of the dark ages.

We were limited in our methods of communications: we had a phone at home, pen and paper and we actually talked person to person too. There was no way to spread messages to the masses; for good or evil purposes. Cyberbullying had not been invented either.

It was a different time. Kids didn't have to worry that something they told a friend would be spread to the whole school in a matter of minutes. When I was a teen cameras still had film that had to be developed at a photo booth; there was no instant sharing of this or that. We still passed handwritten notes. I'm sure you remember these days too.

Tech Savvy Teens

Today is a different story. Kids as young as 10 have cell phones and most cell phones have texting capabilities and a camera. Many phones are smart phones that are connected to the Internet and in turn connected to Facebook, Twitter and other social media platforms. Sharing and spreading information for the good of the world or to take down a fellow student deemed "easy prey" is at a child's fingertips.

And kids take full advantage of this opportunity. Kids can be ruthless and compassionless; they can be brutal and relentless; they can push and push and push until the target feels utterly alone and begins to believe the things being said about him or her; and that's when it can become deadly. These cruel, heartless acts are called cyberbullying. October is National Bullying Prevention Month. So, it's a great time to talk about this issue, although really anytime is a good time to discuss how to stop bullying.

No one is immune. Cyberbullying is a team sport. It takes only one to start it, but teens If no one paid attention to rumors or laughed at the jokes being made about a fellow student or made comments online regarding these hateful statements or if a student stood up to the bully and sided with the one getting bullied, then cyberbullying would not make an impression on anyone. But it does.

Cyberbullying

But the truth is cyberbullying does hurt...a lot. The worst part is that there is no reprieve from it; cyberbullying happens at school; it happens at home; it happens on the bus; it happens at anytime and anywhere thanks to our constantly expanding technologies.

So, what exactly is cyberbullying? Cyberbullying is using technology to target another person through harassment, embarrassment, humiliation and/or threats. Cyberbullying may not cause physical injuries, but it can be even more devastating since the person being bullied may not know who the bully is, why the bully is focusing on him or her, and the bullying is often witnessed and shared by a large number of students.

Even if there is only one person behind a cyberbullying campaign against another, generally the bullying is perpetuated by other students sharing the comment or photo posted by the bully, forwarding emails started by the bully or by others merely viewing the photos or comments posted and not doing anything to stop this.

Cyberbullying can be very difficult to track and stop since it can be done remotely without the bully ever facing the target in person. It's a cowardly act to bully at all, but cyberbullying is the most cowardly.

Anti-Bullying Laws

While most states now have laws to prevent and/or punish bullying, most do not have provisions that cover cyberbullying. According to the Cyberbullying Research Center, only 8 states have laws that include the term cyberbullying. However, 34 states do have laws covering electronic harassment; check your state for specific terms and provisions. You can find your state anti-bullying law here.

For the most part, as mentioned in my article on anti-bullying laws last October, these laws are not very substantive. The majority of the laws consider bullying a school issue, and many state laws merely require school districts to develop an anti-bullying policy and discipline offending students.

Cyberbullying is more difficult to catch and enforce by the very nature of what cyberbullying is. School officials often don't see or even know about the cyberbullying going on since much of it takes place outside of school on personally owned devices; i.e. cell phones and computers.

The Scoop

Preventing and stopping cyberbullying is challenging and takes the vigilance and cooperation of students, parents, school personnel and law enforcements officers/agencies. As a parent, you must be informed about what cyberbullying looks like; what your state/local laws, if any, say about bullying, in general, and cyberbullying, specifically; keep an open line of communication with your child regarding this issue; and properly monitor your child's email communications and the social media sites your child and others his or her age frequently use. I'll have more on educating yourself and others about cyberbullying and ways to prevent and combat it in the next several days. Over and out...

Anna