Motherly Law

Jury Duty v. Parental Duty; Is there an Exemption?

Then & Now

Years ago when I was a law clerk and had no children I had no pity for the prospective jurors who came in and reported that they had no child care available if selected; couldn't afford child care for their young children if chosen to serve; couldn't afford to miss work and a pay check since they were supporting a young family, etc. It's not that I didn't think it would be difficult for them to figure out, but I had a hard line approach to serving on a jury as being a civic duty.

That was then. This is now. While I still believe that if called to serve on a jury each person should do his or her best to make the schedule work, I now understand how difficult it can be for so many. First, there is the issue of child care if you have youngsters at home or coming home at noon or 2 from school or if you have a special needs child or are providing elder care, etc. Secondly, there is the issue of money; either not having the funds to pay for child care or losing money because you won't be able to work for several weeks and your employer won't pay you while you do your civic duty, which means you won't have the money you need to provide for your family.

Parental Hardships

There are a number of other circumstances that could cause a hardship for a prospective juror: breastfeeding jurors; homeschooling jurors; jurors providing elder care for a parent or grandparent; low income jurors with already meager wages; stay at home parent jurors; and jurors who have no family in the area to provide free child care during jury duty.

While these are all good, real reasons that someone should be excused from serving, they are not exceptions to serving in every court in every state. For the courts without an automatic exemption for certain personal care obligations, if you received a notice for jury duty, you would still have to find child care and/or take off work and go up to the courthouse; wait with the rest of the jury pool to see if your number is called; and if it is, then you would have to sit through voir dire; answer the questions honestly; plead your hardships; and hope you were excused from the jury, for these or any other reason.

Courts with Exemptions

There are courts, some state and some federal, that do make certain exceptions. Click here for the Family Friendly Jury Duty's list of courts and their parental exemptions to jury duty. For the most part, the federal courts tend to provide more leniencies for granting exceptions to parents who must care for their youngsters or their aged and/or infirm family members. A number of states do allow for exemptions for those with children 10 or under. Some states allow for breastfeeding women to take an exemption, as well. Approximately half of the states in the U.S. have some kind of provision exempting parents with personal care obligations from serving on a jury; only a few specifically exempt homeschooling parents.

This is not to say that if a court does not have a specific exemption for parents with personal care obligations, whether it's an elderly parent or 3 year old child or 12 year old child being homeschooled, that you won't be excused. You still could be excused for these or other completely unrelated reasons, but it won't be automatic.

Why Do We Have Juries

If you have ever wondered why we have juries and the history behind the jury system, the Family Friendly Jury Duty site provides an interesting look at juries. In my experience as a law clerk, juries were often made up of people in the early 20s, who did not have families to consider and could figure out a way to miss work, and people in their 50s and 60s, who no longer had children at home and were often retired.

The Scoop

Is this the way it should be? Is this a fair representation of one's peers? Should this burden fall to the young and the old? Maybe not, but it's a hard knock life for many right now; barely making it paycheck to paycheck; forgoing child care altogether and scraping by day to day, without the extra burden of missing work and/or having to find and pay for child care in order to ensure that justice is served in a court of law.

Jury duty was not meant to be a burden on the people. It was meant to be a part of the due process of law, ensuring a fair and just trial. Has it become a burden? Do juries ensure a fair and just trial? Should all parents with personal care obligations be automatically exempted from serving on juries in all courts? Over and out....

Anna

In the Best Interest of the Children: Custody Considerations II

Decisions, Decisions

I make decisions for my Darling Boys, intending to promote their welfare and wellbeing, every day. I try to balance the impact it will have on their lives now or in the future with the cost, unintended repercussions, their happiness and mine, their dreams and aspirations and a million other factors. Some of the decisions are small and mundane and others are big and significant. I am not alone in my decision making; their father, my husband, is also there to make such decisions with me.

What I can't imagine is making a decision about which days my Boys would spend with me in my house and which days my Boys would spend in their father's home with him – without me. I can't imagine missing out on a Christmas morning or a Thanksgiving meal or a birthday or any weekend or summer, etc. But there are thousands of families who do make these decisions and pull-through and form new bonds and reaffirm old bonds and go on living and growing just fine.

Marriage Dissolutions

There are many, many reasons why people get divorced. Some decisions to part ways come after long agonizing years of counseling and trying to make things work and others are made fairly quickly after learning of infidelities, addictions, untruths or other event(s). Regardless of the reason, it's never an easy decision and if children are involved the split is particularly painful for all family members.

Courts agree that the best persons to decide the custody arrangements for the children are the parents. The parents are the ones who love and know these young beings better than anyone else on earth. And yet, two parents who have decided to end their marriage are not always capable of making reasonable decisions together.

Custody Considerations

If the parents are unable to come to an agreement about the custody arrangements for their children, the court must step in and make the decision for the parents based on testimony and reports. The judge does not know these kids. The judge may or may not understand 3 year-old boys or 8 year-old girls; and the judge certainly doesn't know that your daughter loves to read Fancy Nancy books or that your son loves honey and bread sandwiches or that your daughter can't sleep without a nightlight or that your son wakes every morning at precisely 6:15 a.m.

In particularly nasty fights, after all of the dirty laundry has been shared with the court, most likely thanks to the battling spouses, the judge will probably wonder if either parent is fit to have custody. The judge will consider information from counselors, teachers, babysitters, psychologists, the parents, etc. And then, the court will have to make a decision based on what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the children.

There are a number of considerations the judge must look at when making such a grave decision:

• Who is the primary caretaker of the children?
• Who is the child's preference for primary physical custody?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the parents?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the child(ren)?
• Are there any religious or cultural considerations?
• Is there an issue regarding maintaining a stable home environment?
• What is the age and sex of the child(ren)?
• Is there any evidence of drug, alcohol, emotional, physical or sex abuse?
• What is the level of contact and relationships with other family members in the area?
• How will school enrollment and other activities be impacted?
• What are the employment situations/schedules of the parents?
• What are the financial situations of the parents?

The court considers these and other unique factors in each case and tries to determine what would be best for the children based on the information he or she has been given. In some instances, if the children are older, the judge will talk with the children involved to determine what the children's preference is and why.

Custody Arrangements

Many parents wish to opt for a shared joint physical custody situation. A true joint physical custody arrangement means the children are spending equal amounts of time with each parent; meaning 3 to 4 nights per parents each week. This arrangement can be very hard on kids. It doesn't allow them to truly have one location to call home and often disrupts school and extracurricular activities. This setup can also be a hindrance for kids trying to make or keep friends, especially if a new school or neighborhood is involved.

A true joint physical custody plan is often chosen by the parents to appease the guilt and sadness of the parents. Courts are cognizant of this fact, and rarely agree to a true joint physical custody arrangement. Instead, courts more often give one parent primary physical custody with both parents jointly sharing legal custody. The judge must always put the kids' interests ahead of the parents' interests, which can be quite different from each other, especially given the anger that often accompanies a marriage dissolution.

One thing to remember about custody arrangements is that it isn't set in stone. One or both parents or the children can come back to court and ask for a modification of the original order. Physical or legal custodians can be changed; child support amounts can be raised or lowered; any other arrangements set out in the original order can be modified; and new issues that arise as the children grow and mature can be addressed by the court, as well.

The Scoop

Divorce is hard for all members of the family; there's no denying that regardless of what brought the marriage to the brink of an abyss. Fighting over the kids makes it infinitely more terrible for everyone. I'm not saying not to fight tooth and nail for your kids if that is the best thing for them, but if it's the best thing for you, think twice. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

 

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

 Losing Ground: Cancer Diagnosis a Custody Consideration?

The Keys to Child Care Success: Laws Regarding Licensing, Facility & Staff Requirements

Best Choices

Would you go to a dentist who had a revoked license? Would you get your nails done at a salon who had been cited for unsanitary conditions? Would you take your car to an auto repair shop to get new brakes if you'd heard negative things about the mechanic's abilities to repair vehicles? I'm guessing your answer would be no to each of these questions.

And yet, how many know parents who continue to send their kids to daycares with questionable safety issues, unqualified staff, citations or past revoked licenses? How many parents actually check the licensure of a center or in-home daycare or know what a particular state mandates regarding such licensure issues?

When it comes to child care and finding a reputable, safe, loving, educational environment for a child, parents should accept nothing but the best. Just what is "best" may vary from family to family based on location, curriculum, schedules, cost, etc. as I pointed out in yesterday’s post, but "best" in terms of safety, sanitary conditions, licensure, staff qualifications, etc. is easier to pinpoint.

State Requirements

Each state sets out very specific regulations regarding just about every aspect of a child care facility's physical building, meals provided, schedules, toys, care in general, first aid, diaper changes, ages and ratios of children provided for, staff experience and requirements, and on and on. Not much is left to chance.

Click here for a list of state requirements, based on each state's laws as listed on OwnADaycare.com. Another resource for licensing and other information on child care is the National Child Care Information Center (NCCIC) site under the Administration of Children and Families and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

These laws are in place simply to protect children in the care of such child care facilities. At times, the detail of the laws may seem silly or trivial or even difficult for the parents to follow. Case in point: DH complains weekly about having to write the Darlings' names on every single food container, baggie, package or cup that goes in their lunch boxes; and sometimes forgets to label EVERYTHING. I remind him of why this is important; i.e. other student's food allergies, but it still irritates him as he packs the boys' lunches.

The Scoop

Of course, the state is not able to constantly monitor the goings on of every facility on a daily basis. Each state does conduct regular inspections of licensed child care facilities, but in between these checks, the state relies on parents, staff or other observers to report any concerns.

Are these state requirements enough to keep our kids safe? How do you keep tabs on things going on in your kid's daycare or preschool? Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

The Power of Mom: Preventing Child Abuse

A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Birds of a Feather: Tips for Choosing the Best School for Your Child

Trusting Parental Instincts: Tips for Choosing a Child Care Facility/Preschool

Baby Steps

There are many parts of parenting my young fellas that tug at my heartstrings, keeping me up at night, searching the Internet, flipping through parenting books, polling friends and strangers alike trying to find the right answer, if there is one, to whatever the issue is. One such issue that has been a recurring theme in the tug o' war match between my heart and brain is child care/schools.

Early on, I felt secure in choosing a part-time nanny. We've had great experiences with most of those nannies, staying close to several over the years. Then, there came a time that choosing a preschool was prudent. I languished over the many choices, advice and recommendations from parents who had chosen or who had been there before. Then, I backed off and waited another 6 months before making a decision and sending Darling 1 to preschool.

Preschool

While it was just a few mornings a week, it was a huge step for our family. My Darling Boys do NOT separate well from me. But Darling 1 was ready and happy in his class. Darling 1 moved on to a Pre-K class in September at the same school. Unfortunately, we have been underwhelmed and frustrated in a few instances with this class, but after changing classes early in the school year for several reasons, we have been reluctant to make any additional changes. Let me be clear, our issues and concerns have never been questions of safety or well-being.

Darling 2 also started preschool in September at the same school. Darling 2 has had a wonderful experience with fabulous teachers. And yet, based on Darling 1's experiences with the older classrooms, we are again on the prowl for a new school for Darling 2.

The Never Ending Search

I began searching a few months ago for a summer program for Darling 1. Before that, I was consumed with finding the "right" kindergarten for Darling 1. And prior to that, I was pondering whether we should send Darling 1 to kindergarten next year or wait until the following year.

The quest for the "best" schools and/or child care for my Darlings seems to be an on-going issue and will be for some time. I am excited about the choices we, as a family, have made for Darling 1's summer plans and kindergarten in the fall, but I am perplexed as to where to go next in pursuing Darling 2's social/educational development.

Placing the educational, social, psychological and physical needs of your child in the hands of strangers can be unnerving. We have all read the stories of day care gone horribly wrong or the safety hazards cited, licensing issues reported or mistreatment documented at child care facilities, large and small. Clearly, it's an area that, we as parents, must be vigilant in noticing potential issues or inconsistencies in care or reports, and not be hesitant to speak up and question the care of our children and/or report these issues to authorities.

When I held my little guys in those very early hours of life, I made a promise to myself and to them that I would always advocate for them in all situations. The well-being of our children must be a primary concern, always.

Tips for Finding "The One"

Here are tips for choosing the "right" child care/school for your child:

1. Decide what your choices are considering your city, neighborhood, work location, etc. How important is the location, nearness to work or home, etc. Make a list of what you want the facility to offer or focus on, etc.
2. Search online for centers, schools and churches with child care/preschools in the area you are looking. Then, talk to friends, parents at the park, your pediatrician, the school district or anyone else who might have suggestions about which options are best and why.
3. Once you have a list of potential choices, call and talk to the admissions director, curriculum director or center/school director. Don't be afraid to ask questions regarding cost, fees, schedules, teacher experience and tenure, educational approach, potty training, snacks and meals and anything else that's important to you.
4. Based on your phone conversations, choose a few to visit with your child. If you would rather visit alone first, that's fine too, but make sure to bring your child for a visit before choosing a school. You will be able to "feel" the climate of the school right away, and so will your child. Your child's initial reaction to the school's environment is a good indicator of how the school "fits" your child.
5. While visiting ask questions or make a list of questions to ask at a later time. It's important that you have a thorough understanding of the school's philosophy regarding families, kids, education and care. Never feel silly about asking a question.
6. Ask for and check references. If it's an in-home or small center with only a few on staff, you should also have background checks run for criminal history. You can also check for proper licensure and whether there have been any citations by the State.
7. Trust your instinct when it comes to choosing child care. If you don't have a good feeling about a facility or person, go with it, even if other's rave about the school. A center might be right for one family, but not another, and that's OK.

Additional Resources

Here are other resources for finding the "best" child care/preschool for your child:

• The New Parents Guide to Choosing a Daycare Center
• Kids Health Choosing Child Care
• University of Minnesota Extension Finding Child Care: Questions to Ask
• Douglas County, Kansas, Child Development Association's Questions to Ask When Choosing Child Care

The Scoop

It's important to find a safe, secure, nurturing environment for your child when you aren't there, but don't torture yourself about finding the very best in all areas, highly sought after child care learning center. The most important criteria are that you feel good about your pick and your child is happy there. If you change your mind regarding facilities for whatever the reason, that's alright. You can certainly move on to another learning center if one doesn't end up suiting your family.

I'm flip-flopping the order in which I'm writing this week. Later this week, I'll provide legal information on licensure, etc. and what to look for in choosing child care regarding. Meanwhile, I'll be calling a few potential preschools for Darling 2 and asking lots of questions. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

 

"Choosing" Work over Baby: The Reality of Parental Leave in the United States

There but for the Grace of God, Go I: Tips and Websites for Keeping Your Child Safe In and Around Vehicles

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Constituency Services Part 1: Guest Post by U.S. Rep. Erik Paulsen

The Back Story

The story about how I got this guest post actually begins years ago. It was four years ago to be exact that a smart and confident young lady answered my email when I began searching for Nanny #2 on Sitter City. Although she had little experience with babies outside of her own family, I had no doubt that she knew what she was doing. Darling 1 was 8 months old and very attached to me. Annie was undeterred when he wailed nonstop for the first few times she came to nanny.

Over time, Darling 1 grew to love her. It was due to Annie's athleticism and smarts that Darling 1 learned to throw a ball so well as a tiny tot. Once, early in my pregnancy with Darling 2 on a day that Annie was there and I was quite ill, I awoke from a nap to find a note saying that Annie and Darling 1 had gone to her parents' house to play where her mother, a music therapist, had a studio filled with musical instruments, just so I would have a quiet house. One Christmas, when I was swamped with a work deadline and running behind in my gift buying, Annie and Darling 1 went shopping for me, armed with a wad of cash and a detailed list.

Annie was always dependable, responsible, fun and chatty. As we got to know Annie, we also got to know and love her whole family because to know Annie is to know her family. It's certainly not difficult to see where Annie gets her intelligence, charm and confidence. I now communicate with her mother more often than I do with Annie.

After 1.5 years of nannying, I knew I had lost Annie forever after she returned from an internship in Washington, D.C. I was not surprised that this young woman with so much passion, business savvy and energy had fallen for such a city. Annie is a person who will go far and do much in her life. Even though we part ways when it comes to politics, I would vote for her if she ever ran for any office.

After graduating from college, Annie, now known by her full, more formal name, Anne Marie, moved to D.C. and quickly landed a job on Capitol Hill. Anne Marie is now the Press Secretary for U.S. Representative Erik Paulsen (R-MN). Rep. Paulsen, in his second term, represents Minnesota's Third Congressional District, comprising the western suburbs of Minneapolis. When Annie heard that I was doing this post series on elected officials and constituency services she talked to Rep. Paulsen about writing a guest post for Motherly Law. And here it is:

The Guest Post

Connecting with Congress—An Inside Guide to Constituent Services
by Congressman Erik Paulsen (MN-03)

As a Member of Congress my priority is to provide the best representation and strongest constituent service possible. I have a plaque that sits on my desk that says “listen, learn, serve, lead.” And I truly believe this is the best way to approach my job. Listening to the families in my district is the primary way I learn about what is truly important to you and our community.

In this day and age there are so many ways to connect. I’ve made it a priority to use every medium of technology I can get my hands on to keep a dialogue going with families in the  Twin Cities suburbs. The easiest way to contact me is by calling my Minnesota or D.C. office. I’ve also been known to use Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, email newsletters, and telephone town hall meetings to stay in touch with the families in my district.

There are a number of reasons to get in touch with your elected representatives: you may want to inform us about legislation that will affect your family or business, you may want to tell us where you stand on issues currently being debated in Congress, you may be visiting Washington, D.C. or you may need help cutting through government red tape. In all of these cases, my staff and I will do whatever we can to assist you.

If you visit my website you will see the “Constituent Services” tab is the most prominent section of the site, and for good reason. As a Member of Congress, my staff and I can help with a variety of items including nominations to U.S. Service Academies, booking tours for various Washington, D.C. attractions, procuring flags that have flown over the Capitol, Congressional internships for students, and acting as a liaison between you and a federal agency. I have an all-star Constituent Services team that’s always ready and willing to help. For more information about how my office can help you, please click here.

Remember as your elected representatives we are here for you. If you are in the Third District of Minnesota, I’d love to hear from you so please keep in touch. If you are outside of my district I encourage you to visit the U.S. House of Representatives website to find your Member of Congress.

The Scoop

Thanks to Rep. Paulsen and Ms. Malecha for the guest post. On Wednesday, I'll be writing about contacting lawmakers and my experiences with that at both the state and federal levels. I'll also be providing tips and resources regarding who, when and how to contact if you have an issue that you would like to discuss with a legislator. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

Guest Post: Your Financial Big Picture: Why Estate Planning is an Investment in Your Family's Future

Go Vote: Election Issues that Could Impact Your Family

America’s Message: 2010 Election Recap

The Nanny Files: Finding the “Right Fit” for Your Family

Delusional Ideas

It seemed totally reasonable at the time, but it turns out there was no way in hell my system was going to work, even with a tiny infant. As a soon-to-be-1^st-time-mom 5 years ago, I had some totally delusional and irrational ideas. I'm sure you veteran moms out there know what I'm talking about.

This makes me laugh now just thinking about it, but I seriously thought I would be able to do my contract work from my home office, as I had been doing for the 2 years prior to Darling 1 being born, while my sweet little baby happily lolled about and played on a soft blanket with lots of cuddly, squeaky, colorful toys and books. Ah, what a lovely scene with me busily working at my computer, giving my baby a loving glance and offering kind and encouraging words every so often while he earnestly worked at examining and figuring out his toys...Yeah, right.

Need for a Nanny

My Darlings have always had an extreme attachment to me and have always been extremely alert and aware, which aren't bad things. But this meant that I had to hold them while I worked at my computer. This isn't difficult for the first couple of months, but by the 3^rd month, my boys, both very strong, active and curious from Day 1, would reach out to my computer, babbling away, grabbing my full, undivided attention. While I loved spending this time with my Darlings, I also needed to be able to do my work. By month 4 of Darling 1's life, it was clear to me: I needed a nanny.

I knew nothing about the process of getting a nanny, but I knew I had to learn fast. I turned to www.sittercity.com. I quickly got up to speed on searching for and hiring a nanny. I had been a nanny in college; so, I went the college student route, although there are many types of people to choose from there.

Finding the Nanny

We have now had six nannies in the last 4.5 years and are looking for #7 right now. Some nannies have lasted only a few months and others for years; in fact, two of the nannies have been long term and we now consider them a part of our extended family. You'll hear more about one of them next week during my series on contacting elected officials and constituency services.

Over the years, I have learned what's important and what's not when searching profiles on Sitter City; chatting on the phone; interviewing; watching them interact with the Darlings and our pets. I have made poor choices and perfect choices; sometime by mere chance finding the ideal nanny for our household. And what I have learned is the most important thing above all else is finding a nanny that's the "right fit" for our family.

The Right Fit

Some nannies might look excellent in a profile, but then in person they just don't mesh with my personality or the Darlings' spirited outlook on life; don't love cats and dogs or are allergic to them, etc. The right person is someone whom you feel comfortable with right away and someone who clearly connects with your kids.

A good nanny should make sound decisions regarding health, safety, discipline, rules, etc., but should also be fun, engaging, creative, imaginative, assertive and loving. The right nanny for your family will also be clear on and in agreement with the family's style of parenting, playing, meals, morals, etc. Our favorite nannies have truly loved our kids and bonded with them. After all, it's all about the kids, right?

Yes and no. I have determined {the hard way} that it isn't enough for the child to like the nanny, the parent(s) must also like the nanny and understand her personality, background, goals, rules, etc. I have certainly clashed with a few or felt uncomfortable with them or their methods of dealing with the kiddos. Clearly, those situations didn't work out for either party.

My Method

I have used Sitter City to find each nanny, and I have found this method to be helpful and time-effective. Over the years, I have developed a system: I contact the girls through Sitter City; if they are interested and reply to my email, we chat on the phone. I can tell a lot from someone on the phone; if they are still interested in the position, and I think they sound like a potential match, we meet at a neutral location like a coffee shop or play area for an interview; if they pass the test of having met me and the boys {in crazy, show-off mode}, connected in some way and are still interested, they are invited to our home to see the kids in their environment and meet the pets; if they interact well with me, the kids and pets and their references pan out, they will get an offer from me.

Yes, it's a multi-step, drawn out process, but over time this system has seemed to work. I don't like to invite the potential nanny to our home right away, having never even met us. I don't want a young college girl to be put in that situation of having to go to a stranger's house. After the Craig's List murder here in the Twin Cities a few years ago I feel justified in this argument; for the safety of both parties.

The Importance of a Nanny

My Darling Boys love having a nanny, even if just part-time. The time they have with a nanny is exclusively their time with undivided attention on them. Each nanny has taught the Darlings different things; each adding to the boys' character and enriching their lives. I make it clear to the nanny that I want her focus on the boys' not housework or homework. While I and DH do play with the boys, we also have other responsibilities around the house. The nannies are there to simply play and care for them. We don't live near family. They rarely get time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. So, this time is special to the Darlings; they relish these experiences. And I get my work done without worrying about my kiddos.

The Scoop

A friend once told me that her sister, who regularly used nannies for her kids, said, "Every nanny has a shelf life. They don't last forever." At the time, I thought that sounded harsh, but now I know what she meant. A nanny can be perfect for the particular age of your child or time in your life or her life, but then the child moves on to another age and stage and the nanny's life or goals or interests or schedule changes too or your particular needs for a nanny change, etc. Thus, the term of a nanny does have an expiration date; some sooner than others. Wish me luck finding #7. Over and out...

Anna