Tasty Chicken
Last spring my mother-in-law came for a visit. At that time, Darling 1 was not a fan of chicken {he has since reformed his eating habits}. The first night "Bebe" was here, we served grilled chicken for dinner. Once we sat down and said a prayer, Darling 1 went to work eating his chicken. I noticed right away, but didn't say a word.
After a few bites, Darling 1 said, "This chicken is delicious. Thank you so much for making this nice dinner, mom and dad!" We thanked him and kept eating. A few minutes passed and Darling 1 said, "I don't really like chicken, but I'm just saying that since Bebe is here."
We had a chuckle over that statement, but again I thanked him for eating the dinner and being nice about it rather than making a fuss and refusing to even take a taste.
Please, Thank you and Excuse Me
"Remember your manners!" This simple phrase is a piece of basic wisdom gained from many years of experience as a social being that every well-intentioned parent imparts upon his or her child when the child is off to school or visiting grandparents or having a playdate at a friend's house, etc. A parent hopes these mere three words will be impressed upon the heart of the child even though the parent's shrewd words often fall on deaf ears. This phrase has been repeated for many, many generations and is often one of our first lessons in life.
"Please", "thank you" and "excuse me" are among the first words a child learns to say. A child quickly learns that a sweet as honey "pease" earns him or her a special treat from a proud and beaming parent. A "thank you" gets an impressed and pleased reaction from grandma or the lady giving out the free cookie at the grocery store or the waiter at the restaurant or mom or dad. And "scuz me" generally earns an amused response
When teaching children to be polite it's all about a trained response. If you ask and respond nicely, you'll usually get what you want whether it's a turn with a toy, a bit of chocolate, a big smile, a new trinket, etc. With toddlers it's as simple as that. It gets more complicated as a child ages.
Variable Manners
My mom's family comes from rural Oklahoma and good manners meant a warm greeting, an invitation to dinner and a good conversation. My dad's family is most immediately from very urban Dallas, TX, and further back than that from deeper south where etiquette was more important and more formal.
I grew up with very different sets of manners and rules, depending on the company. My parents were firm and set rules for us to follow. My brother and I were always polite and followed the rules {well, except when being sassy to our parents for which we were disciplined for, but it never really did much good. I'm still sassy}, but our home was a casual environment.
We were not especially schooled in the proper way to set a table or etiquette at a fancy restaurant {because we never went to fancy restaurants}. It mattered not whether our forks or spoons were on the wrong sides of the plates or whether we put our glasses on the coffee table without a coaster or whether our beds were properly made or whether we used a salad fork to eat our chicken. I doubt we even knew the difference between the two. In fact, I doubt we even had two different sizes of forks with which to eat with.
We were well versed in how to act in public and while visiting grandparents and while at school under the care of our teachers, etc. We did not play in and around the clothing racks in stores. We were not loud or out of control hanging off carts at the grocery store. We were quiet, respectful and obedient while at school. We were on our best behavior while visiting grandparents, being careful to follow the rules set there.
As adults, my brother and I are still a mix of being down home comfortable, relaxed and warm and being polite, respectful and doing our best to follow the rules of etiquette appropriate for the moment. I think my parents did a good job.
Subjectivity of Etiquette
Good manners are subjective in my opinion. There are many schools of thought regarding proper etiquette for any situation. Regardless of whether you follow Miss Manners, Judith Martin, or are staunchly loyal to Emily Post or another etiquette evangelist, there are also regional, cultural, professional, political, and even religious rules of etiquette to consider.
Frankly, I think following any set of rigid rules of etiquette can actually have the opposite effect than what is intended by the one so intently being well-mannered. That is to say that often the etiquette follower conveys an air of stiffness or inflexibility or even haughtiness about them. This, in turn, can make others feel uncomfortable or confused or even ashamed.
I think that proper etiquette, or good manners, in general, should mean that you're making those around you feel welcome and included regardless of their appearance, their own manners {or lack thereof}, their interests and knowledge {or lack thereof} or anything else about your guests that may not fit within your idea of what is proper. And that is something which comes easily to some and awkwardly to others, but in this instance it truly is the thought that counts; the trying to be warm and inclusive that matters.
The Scoop
Believe me, no one will remember whether you set the table correctly, but they will remember your big smile, hearty laughter, firm handshake, gentle hug and genuine spirit.
Tomorrow I'll be reviewing a new book on basic etiquette and simple grace, Where Is Your Mother? by Ava Carroll-Brown and on Wednesday I'll have a Q & A interview with the author. Over and out...
Anna
