Motherly Law

Motherly Advice: When Parenting Brings Out the Worst in a Person

They say parenting brings out the best in a person. Parenting has brought out a lot in me; sides of me I had never seen before and hope to never see again. I sure hope that's not the best of me because if it is at best I'm crabby, irrational and always tired.

Yesterday I finished up my shopping. I was at Target in the kids' shoes looking at boys' slippers. There was another mom there with her three sons. They were also looking at boys' slippers. One of the sons, in particular, was being difficult about choosing a pair of slippers that fit correctly. And the mom was being just as difficult. Later, I heard her again; still being difficult in the boys' clothes department. She had had enough; she needed a break.

Years ago, before I had kids, I would have judged her a bad mom. I would have felt sorry for her boys. I would have thought how I would do it differently. Today, she got no judgment from me. I have been there....many times...many, many times.

In fact, every parent has been, and if you can't admit to it, then you or your children are angels disguised as humans or you or your children are robots. The mom I saw today needed some time alone and perhaps a glass of wine or a cup of tea or a whole bag of chocolate kisses or a hot shower or a good night of sleep or something else, but she'll get over her funk; I can't guarantee that the difficult son will go over his mood, but she will. And this doesn't mean she's a bad parent; this just means she's human.

Parenting is always a challenge; life is often difficult; and life in Minnesota during the very short days and long, dark nights of December is cruel. Getting upset with your child is normal, but there is never, never, never a time that punching your child in the face is alright. Sadly, this past week, a Twin Cities man did just this to his 8^th grade son.

The man and his son were walking out of school after the son's basketball game and he began punching his son repeatedly in the face. I don't know this man's story, but I don't have to. There is simply never a time that it's OK to punch your child; not at home in private; not at school in public; not anywhere; not ever.

Other parents restrained this man and called the police. The man was arrested and spent the night in jail, but was bailed out without any conditions the following day. Fortunately, the son did not need medical attention and will recover; that is, his physical wounds will heal. Unfortunately, this public display of abuse was probably not the first, nor the last, violence this child will suffer at the hand of his parent.

During this time of joy and festivities, let us not forget that the best gift we can give our children is a good example. Of course, this is harder than it sounds. So, let us also not forget that the best gift we can give ourselves is time; time away; time alone; time to relieve stresses; time to rejuvenate; time to forgive our shortcomings and disappointments; time to remember why we love our children. Over and out...

Anna

Losing It: Mental Illnesses and Child Custody Issues

Some Days

There are some days; days that I feel that I am one step away from completely losing my marbles. The chaos, the lack of sleep, the stress, the ups and downs of life, it can be overwhelming. But I keep it together...for the most part. I know that these days are just that; one day ever so often in a life full of many days. I don't have a mental illness, and I have a spouse who can take the helm for a bit while I sort through my feelings, get some rest and move past the funk.

Mental Illnesses

And yet, there are parents out there who do struggle with mental illnesses. For some of these parents just making it through each day is a challenge; every day. For other parents with mental illnesses, medication can alleviate the symptoms and bring balance back to that parent's life; and the family's lives, for that matter.

Some of these parents have to find a way to cope with their illnesses and handle divorce and/or custody issues too. And other parents struggling with mental diseases are single parents dealing with everything on their own; work, finances, illness, parenting, medications. Many questions arise in these situations.

Custody Issues

For parents with severe mental illnesses the rate of losing custody is between 70 – 80%. Some states have laws that list mental illness of a parent as a condition for losing custody. The severity of the illness, combined with the symptoms of the particular mental illness, side effects from medications and the absence of another parent in the home are among the determinants for removing a child from the house of a mentally ill parent.

While all parents have a right to raise their children without government interference, the courts must weigh what's in the best interest of a child with a parent's mental disabilities and the impact on the family. If it's clear to the court that a child will be endangered by the parent's incapacity to care for his or her child, the court must remove the child from that parent's home and award custody to the other parent {in a divorce situation}, a grandparent or another competent adult.

In order for a court to determine what's in the best interest of a child, extensive mental health evaluations are ordered for the parent. The mere presence of a mental illness does not determine whether that parent will completely lose custody rights. In some cases, the court will find that based on all the evidence presented, a parent with a mental illness is still capable of caring for his or her children, at least some of the time.

A court's concern is that a child living with a mentally ill parent may suffer from neglect or abuse, be subjected to unsafe conditions or situations or be forced to take care of the parent instead of the other way around. Courts take these situations very seriously.

Due to these concerns of the courts and the high chance of losing custody, some parents in this situation may attempt to hide the illness or minimize the effects of the disease or the medications. Parents may even avoid needed treatment for mental diseases for fear of losing custody. While this is understandable considering how painful it would be to lose custody of a child, the parent must keep his or her focus on the child's safety and general well-being.

It's important to be forthright with any investigation, whether you are the parent being assessed; or the parent being evaluated is your spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse, a friend or a family member. Again, the focal point must always be the best interest of the child.

The Scoop

No matter the determination or outcome of any case involving a parent and/or child with a mental illness, it's a heartbreaking situation; and not one taken lightly by the courts. Termination of parental rights is final, but a custody situation is changeable, depending on circumstances. For instance, if a parent seeks treatment, becomes stable on medication, etc. the parties could revisit the custody arrangements, if so desired.

No matter how you look at it, a case involving a parent suffering from a mental illness is never easy for anyone involved. Over and out....

Anna

A Story About Poop: Life’s Messiest Moments

Pre-Parenting

Before you have your own kids, there are those who have kids already who love to tell stories involving poop, puke and pee in hopes of freaking out the non-parents. It's like a badge of honor earned by the new parent after the first tour of duty cleaning up human excrement: you've had to wash poop off the wall and clean puke off junior's favorite book, your shirt, all the stuffed animals, sheets, blankets, pillows and the rug, and you get to talk about it in public. Well, before I had done my tour in Babyland I laughed it off and made a mental note to never discuss my child's poop with anyone.

My Messiest Moment

Well, here I am writing about one of my messiest moments of my life and it involves none other than my son's poop. Now wait a minute, before you click away, hear me out. I've never written about poop before {and probably never will again}, but when I heard about the Clorox Bleach It Away campaign I knew which messy moment I'd write about. Listen, I could win $25,000 or a $750 Canon Rebel camera, either of which I could really use. So, here it goes.

Poop All Around

When my son was around 6 months old, he was over the moon about bouncing in his Jumperoo. He cared nothing for swings or saucers, but he loved to jump and he's got the calf muscles to prove it too, even 4.5 years later. Well, during one such bouncing session, we realized he had indeed filled his diaper because we could smell it. Yet, as only a parent can appreciate, my husband and I decided to wait to change him because we were in the basement away from the diapers and wipes supply, he was enjoying his exercise routine and we were watching a movie that was almost over.

After a few minutes, our dog, a very expressive, motherly canine, approached our little bouncing bundle of joy, gave him a few sniffs and gave us a look. Her look said, "For the love of Pete, change this baby's diaper and give us all a break! What kind of parents are you?" The admonishment from the dog was enough to make us further check the situation.

Upon inspection, we realized the stench was pretty bad; and yep, the poop had gone up his back. Seriously, that's really enough, but hang on, there's more. As we pulled our sweet muffin out of the Jumperoo, we noticed that the poop had also run down his legs all the way into his adorable little soft leather shoes and had soaked through the seat of his pants and was all over the fabric of the Jumperoo seat.

So the disapproving look from our dog regarding our parenting skills was well deserved. This was a royal, stinking mess. Thankfully, I was not alone in this situation. My husband set about the task of cleaning up our soiled child and I began cleaning the filthy clothes and fabric seat.

The Scoop

These days, if something has poop on it, I toss it in the trash. But back then, I dutifully rinsed, treated, washed, bleached, etc. I was able to salvage the clothes and the Jumperoo seat, but those cute little leather shoes were goners, despite all of my efforts to save them. Our child cleaned up quite nicely, and we all survived that messy moment of life and many more that followed.

One day, I'll tell my son that story while he cuddles his sweet-smelling {for the time-being} infant and he'll think, "Mom, why must you talk about {my} poop!" And then, when he least expects it, his time for cleaning up an explosion of poop will come and he'll have a poop story of his own.

It's not just the pristine, sunshiny moments of life that make us who we are; it's all the moments, even the messy ones. And I'm a mom, with two boys, ages 5 and 3. I've become better acquainted with bodily fluids than I ever intended to; such is life. Over and out...

I received information about Clorox's Bleach It Away campaign and am sharing my messy moment for the chance to win prizes from The SITS Girls. To learn more about the messy moment program, check out www.BleachItAway.com.  Sharing your story on the Clorox fan page gets you entered for the chance to win $25,000 and daily prizes, and you can grab a coupon for Clorox® Regular Bleach.

Anna

Rules of Etiquette: Devotee or Renegade?

Tasty Chicken

Last spring my mother-in-law came for a visit. At that time, Darling 1 was not a fan of chicken {he has since reformed his eating habits}. The first night "Bebe" was here, we served grilled chicken for dinner. Once we sat down and said a prayer, Darling 1 went to work eating his chicken. I noticed right away, but didn't say a word.

After a few bites, Darling 1 said, "This chicken is delicious. Thank you so much for making this nice dinner, mom and dad!" We thanked him and kept eating. A few minutes passed and Darling 1 said, "I don't really like chicken, but I'm just saying that since Bebe is here."

We had a chuckle over that statement, but again I thanked him for eating the dinner and being nice about it rather than making a fuss and refusing to even take a taste.

Please, Thank you and Excuse Me

"Remember your manners!" This simple phrase is a piece of basic wisdom gained from many years of experience as a social being that every well-intentioned parent imparts upon his or her child when the child is off to school or visiting grandparents or having a playdate at a friend's house, etc. A parent hopes these mere three words will be impressed upon the heart of the child even though the parent's shrewd words often fall on deaf ears. This phrase has been repeated for many, many generations and is often one of our first lessons in life.

"Please", "thank you" and "excuse me" are among the first words a child learns to say. A child quickly learns that a sweet as honey "pease" earns him or her a special treat from a proud and beaming parent. A "thank you" gets an impressed and pleased reaction from grandma or the lady giving out the free cookie at the grocery store or the waiter at the restaurant or mom or dad. And "scuz me" generally earns an amused response

When teaching children to be polite it's all about a trained response. If you ask and respond nicely, you'll usually get what you want whether it's a turn with a toy, a bit of chocolate, a big smile, a new trinket, etc. With toddlers it's as simple as that. It gets more complicated as a child ages.

Variable Manners

My mom's family comes from rural Oklahoma and good manners meant a warm greeting, an invitation to dinner and a good conversation. My dad's family is most immediately from very urban Dallas, TX, and further back than that from deeper south where etiquette was more important and more formal.

I grew up with very different sets of manners and rules, depending on the company. My parents were firm and set rules for us to follow. My brother and I were always polite and followed the rules {well, except when being sassy to our parents for which we were disciplined for, but it never really did much good. I'm still sassy}, but our home was a casual environment.

We were not especially schooled in the proper way to set a table or etiquette at a fancy restaurant {because we never went to fancy restaurants}. It mattered not whether our forks or spoons were on the wrong sides of the plates or whether we put our glasses on the coffee table without a coaster or whether our beds were properly made or whether we used a salad fork to eat our chicken. I doubt we even knew the difference between the two. In fact, I doubt we even had two different sizes of forks with which to eat with.

We were well versed in how to act in public and while visiting grandparents and while at school under the care of our teachers, etc. We did not play in and around the clothing racks in stores. We were not loud or out of control hanging off carts at the grocery store. We were quiet, respectful and obedient while at school. We were on our best behavior while visiting grandparents, being careful to follow the rules set there.

As adults, my brother and I are still a mix of being down home comfortable, relaxed and warm and being polite, respectful and doing our best to follow the rules of etiquette appropriate for the moment. I think my parents did a good job.

Subjectivity of Etiquette

Good manners are subjective in my opinion. There are many schools of thought regarding proper etiquette for any situation. Regardless of whether you follow Miss Manners, Judith Martin, or are staunchly loyal to Emily Post or another etiquette evangelist, there are also regional, cultural, professional, political, and even religious rules of etiquette to consider.

Frankly, I think following any set of rigid rules of etiquette can actually have the opposite effect than what is intended by the one so intently being well-mannered. That is to say that often the etiquette follower conveys an air of stiffness or inflexibility or even haughtiness about them. This, in turn, can make others feel uncomfortable or confused or even ashamed.

I think that proper etiquette, or good manners, in general, should mean that you're making those around you feel welcome and included regardless of their appearance, their own manners {or lack thereof}, their interests and knowledge {or lack thereof} or anything else about your guests that may not fit within your idea of what is proper. And that is something which comes easily to some and awkwardly to others, but in this instance it truly is the thought that counts; the trying to be warm and inclusive that matters.

The Scoop

Believe me, no one will remember whether you set the table correctly, but they will remember your big smile, hearty laughter, firm handshake, gentle hug and genuine spirit.

Tomorrow I'll be reviewing a new book on basic etiquette and simple grace, Where Is Your Mother? by Ava Carroll-Brown and on Wednesday I'll have a Q & A interview with the author. Over and out...

Anna

On A Soapbox: Suing Mom?

Worst Mommy in the World

I am not the most patient mom in the world. I'll admit it. I have been known to lose my temper. It's true. I have, at times, been called "the worst mommy in the WORLD!" by my hot-headed, tantrum-throwing offspring. I've been judged and sentenced to time out or prison, whatever that is to a 5 year-old. I have sometimes agreed with the sentences pronounced upon me...sometimes.

But my children are still young, impetuous and unschooled in life, and I expect that in time they'll grow and mature and understand that life isn't fair; they don't get everything they want whether they deserve it or not; and that they won't always deserve, or need, the things they may think they simply cannot live without.

Extreme and Outrageous Behavior

I pray that my kids will understand these things and love me regardless of how much {or how little} I spend on them. I sincerely hope my kids don't ever sue me because I wasn't the "world's best mommy" in their view every day.

You think it's absurd that I would hope such a thing? Because seriously, what kind of values am I teaching my kids, right? What kind of brat would sue a parent over such trivial and unimportant issues? Who, indeed? Well, I'll tell you precisely who: Stephen A. Miner II and Kathryn Miner, now 23 and 20, respectively, of Barrington Hills, a wealthy Chicago suburb.

These spoiled, rotten brats {in my opinion}...ahem...siblings sued their mother. What did they claim she did to them as children? Were there allegations of locking them in the closet; leaving them in the car until 2 a.m. while she sat in a bar drinking; physically, sexually or mentally abusing them, withholding food or shelter from them? No, these two claimed emotional distress and sought damages for her alleged "extreme and outrageous" behavior. Here are some of the specific instances that lead to these claims by said Plaintiffs: The Respondent, a.k.a. Mom, allegedly:

• Told Steven when he was 7 that she would call police if he didn't buckle his seat belt.
• Failed to send college care packages and birthday cards for many years, and when she sent cards, failed to include cash.
• Changed her last name, causing distress at school events.
• Sent Steven a birthday card showing a bunch of tomatoes, one with googly eyes, with the caption: "Son I got you this birthday card because it's just like you … different from all the rest!"
• Haggled over the amount spent on Kathryn Miner's party dresses.
• Called Kathryn Miner at midnight while she was at homecoming and told her to come home.
• Played favorites with the kids.

~Source: ABA Journal, August 29, 2011

Family Dynamics

So, where was the father of these shallow kids when they were contemplating suing dear ol' mom? Where, indeed? Why he was one of the attorneys who helped to bring this suit to court. Their father represented them in this lawsuit. Ah, this is starting to make more sense, isn't it?

When little Steven and Kathryn were and 7 and 4, their parents divorced. Steven Miner, Sr., their father, was awarded full custody of young Steven and the two parents shared custody of their young daughter. Clearly, there are still some issues that should probably be resolved in therapy or during long, open-hearted, emotional conversations with each other.

This week, an Illinois appellate court dismissed this case finding that the mother's alleged conduct was neither extreme nor outrageous. The Court further stated that a ruling in favor of the children "could potentially open the floodgate to subject family child rearing to ...excessive judicial scrutiny and interference" as quoted in the ABA Journal, August 29, 2011.

The Scoop

This frivolous, petty, overly litigious claim not only wasted the time and money for all involved, but as nj.com points out it also lessens the very real and tragic stories of kids who are truly abused and mistreated by their parents.

The mother, Kimberly Garrity, other than perhaps having her heart broken by her malcontent offspring, also could have gone broke fighting this lawsuit. From several articles I read, it looks like Ms. Garrity will not recoup her attorney fees in this matter. And yet, the Plaintiffs, who supposedly lost this battle, won't have to pay much, if anything, considering Daddy was their attorney. So, who really won?

Hmmmm, something stinks here. Clearly, there was some abuse here. The Miners, all three of them, abused the judicial system in trying to settle a personal and very petty score. Over and out...

Anna

Motherly Advice: From the Road

R U OK?

~ From Billboard with Suicide Hotline Ad on I-40

 

 

The question "Are you OK?" is something we should be asking ourselves, our spouses, our kids, our friends and family members often. It's such a simple question, but in this age of go, go, go and impersonal electronic communications it can be something that is pushed aside or dismissed altogether.

Sometimes we need to take inventory of our own thoughts and feelings and give ourselves a pep talk or get rid of extra baggage holding us back, etc. Our family members and friends need to know we care about them and are there to talk with them or simply listen.

So, take the time to ask someone "R U OK?" today. It might just make all the difference in someone's day!

It's Friday…. Go eat some chocolate. It's good for you, and you deserve it!

Anna

Nota Bene: I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents and kids are not created equally, but are wholly individual in personality and style. Regardless of these differences, the basic needs of love, patience and support remain constant. Here are the weekly affirmations, tips and reminders. Unless otherwise noted, these are entirely my opinion. Take them with a grain of salt, or not!

Jury Duty v. Parental Duty; Is there an Exemption?

Then & Now

Years ago when I was a law clerk and had no children I had no pity for the prospective jurors who came in and reported that they had no child care available if selected; couldn't afford child care for their young children if chosen to serve; couldn't afford to miss work and a pay check since they were supporting a young family, etc. It's not that I didn't think it would be difficult for them to figure out, but I had a hard line approach to serving on a jury as being a civic duty.

That was then. This is now. While I still believe that if called to serve on a jury each person should do his or her best to make the schedule work, I now understand how difficult it can be for so many. First, there is the issue of child care if you have youngsters at home or coming home at noon or 2 from school or if you have a special needs child or are providing elder care, etc. Secondly, there is the issue of money; either not having the funds to pay for child care or losing money because you won't be able to work for several weeks and your employer won't pay you while you do your civic duty, which means you won't have the money you need to provide for your family.

Parental Hardships

There are a number of other circumstances that could cause a hardship for a prospective juror: breastfeeding jurors; homeschooling jurors; jurors providing elder care for a parent or grandparent; low income jurors with already meager wages; stay at home parent jurors; and jurors who have no family in the area to provide free child care during jury duty.

While these are all good, real reasons that someone should be excused from serving, they are not exceptions to serving in every court in every state. For the courts without an automatic exemption for certain personal care obligations, if you received a notice for jury duty, you would still have to find child care and/or take off work and go up to the courthouse; wait with the rest of the jury pool to see if your number is called; and if it is, then you would have to sit through voir dire; answer the questions honestly; plead your hardships; and hope you were excused from the jury, for these or any other reason.

Courts with Exemptions

There are courts, some state and some federal, that do make certain exceptions. Click here for the Family Friendly Jury Duty's list of courts and their parental exemptions to jury duty. For the most part, the federal courts tend to provide more leniencies for granting exceptions to parents who must care for their youngsters or their aged and/or infirm family members. A number of states do allow for exemptions for those with children 10 or under. Some states allow for breastfeeding women to take an exemption, as well. Approximately half of the states in the U.S. have some kind of provision exempting parents with personal care obligations from serving on a jury; only a few specifically exempt homeschooling parents.

This is not to say that if a court does not have a specific exemption for parents with personal care obligations, whether it's an elderly parent or 3 year old child or 12 year old child being homeschooled, that you won't be excused. You still could be excused for these or other completely unrelated reasons, but it won't be automatic.

Why Do We Have Juries

If you have ever wondered why we have juries and the history behind the jury system, the Family Friendly Jury Duty site provides an interesting look at juries. In my experience as a law clerk, juries were often made up of people in the early 20s, who did not have families to consider and could figure out a way to miss work, and people in their 50s and 60s, who no longer had children at home and were often retired.

The Scoop

Is this the way it should be? Is this a fair representation of one's peers? Should this burden fall to the young and the old? Maybe not, but it's a hard knock life for many right now; barely making it paycheck to paycheck; forgoing child care altogether and scraping by day to day, without the extra burden of missing work and/or having to find and pay for child care in order to ensure that justice is served in a court of law.

Jury duty was not meant to be a burden on the people. It was meant to be a part of the due process of law, ensuring a fair and just trial. Has it become a burden? Do juries ensure a fair and just trial? Should all parents with personal care obligations be automatically exempted from serving on juries in all courts? Over and out....

Anna

Happy Father’s Day: A Grandpa’s Bond & a Priceless Photo

No words are necessary to explain this priceless photo. It's plain to me the bond between grandpa and grandson. The quiet, serious discussion about who knows what is typical of these two. They have always had a special bond even though they aren't often physically in the same location.

They are so similar in mind and spirit, and I'm amazed by it every day. I love this photo for all that is left unsaid. To me, the photo speaks for itself and says everything about what I know and love about these two.

What you don't know is that just a few minutes after I snapped this photo at my parents' house last September, one of the bolts holding the swing to the porch ceiling broke, leaving my dad and Darling 1 hanging cattywampus; thankfully, no one was injured. But it caused a great ruckus in the house and in dad's and Darling 1's style they told and re-told the story with great drama and excitement.

Happy Father's Day to my Dad and to all the other fathers out there. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

Special Father's Day Feature: The Unconventional Education

The List: Things Daddy Does Best

The List: Things Daddy Does Best

1. Daddy makes great pancakes;
2. Daddy knows the rules to almost every sport;
3. Daddy isn't afraid of bugs;
4. Daddy wants to go camping and fishing with the Boys when they are older;
5. Daddy likes to wake up early with the Boys;
6. Daddy takes the Boys to the Farmers' Market every week in the summer;
7. Daddy is a good soccer and tee ball coach;
8. Daddy can get up, get ready and get out the door {with the Boys} super fast;
9. Daddy makes perfect omelets;
10. Daddy likes to wrestle with the Boys;
11. Daddy and the Boys enjoy making up songs and stories together;
12. Daddy has tricks up his sleeve to get the Boys to do things they don't want to do like brush teeth and pick up toys ~ usually it involves a silly voice or made up character;
13. Daddy can play guitar ~ a little, which is enough for the Boys;
14. Daddy doesn't mind changing a diaper in a tiny airplane bathroom or gross public bathroom;
15. Daddy has games on his phone and computer;
16. Daddy is always on time; and
17. Daddy understands when Mommy needs a break!

Happy Father's Day to the Daddy in the Motherly Law household who goes above and beyond for our family everyday! We love you! And I wish a Happy Father's Day to my Dad {Grandpa}, my father-in-law {Papa} and DH's grandfathers {Grandpa & Papa K} and to all the other fathers and grandfathers out there.

What does your husband or father do best that you are thankful for this year? Do you have a Father's Day tradition? Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

Special Father's Day Feature: The Unconventional Education

My Mother's Day Wish

Special Mother's Day Feature: World's Best Mom Award

In the Best Interest of the Children: Custody Considerations II

Decisions, Decisions

I make decisions for my Darling Boys, intending to promote their welfare and wellbeing, every day. I try to balance the impact it will have on their lives now or in the future with the cost, unintended repercussions, their happiness and mine, their dreams and aspirations and a million other factors. Some of the decisions are small and mundane and others are big and significant. I am not alone in my decision making; their father, my husband, is also there to make such decisions with me.

What I can't imagine is making a decision about which days my Boys would spend with me in my house and which days my Boys would spend in their father's home with him – without me. I can't imagine missing out on a Christmas morning or a Thanksgiving meal or a birthday or any weekend or summer, etc. But there are thousands of families who do make these decisions and pull-through and form new bonds and reaffirm old bonds and go on living and growing just fine.

Marriage Dissolutions

There are many, many reasons why people get divorced. Some decisions to part ways come after long agonizing years of counseling and trying to make things work and others are made fairly quickly after learning of infidelities, addictions, untruths or other event(s). Regardless of the reason, it's never an easy decision and if children are involved the split is particularly painful for all family members.

Courts agree that the best persons to decide the custody arrangements for the children are the parents. The parents are the ones who love and know these young beings better than anyone else on earth. And yet, two parents who have decided to end their marriage are not always capable of making reasonable decisions together.

Custody Considerations

If the parents are unable to come to an agreement about the custody arrangements for their children, the court must step in and make the decision for the parents based on testimony and reports. The judge does not know these kids. The judge may or may not understand 3 year-old boys or 8 year-old girls; and the judge certainly doesn't know that your daughter loves to read Fancy Nancy books or that your son loves honey and bread sandwiches or that your daughter can't sleep without a nightlight or that your son wakes every morning at precisely 6:15 a.m.

In particularly nasty fights, after all of the dirty laundry has been shared with the court, most likely thanks to the battling spouses, the judge will probably wonder if either parent is fit to have custody. The judge will consider information from counselors, teachers, babysitters, psychologists, the parents, etc. And then, the court will have to make a decision based on what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the children.

There are a number of considerations the judge must look at when making such a grave decision:

• Who is the primary caretaker of the children?
• Who is the child's preference for primary physical custody?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the parents?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the child(ren)?
• Are there any religious or cultural considerations?
• Is there an issue regarding maintaining a stable home environment?
• What is the age and sex of the child(ren)?
• Is there any evidence of drug, alcohol, emotional, physical or sex abuse?
• What is the level of contact and relationships with other family members in the area?
• How will school enrollment and other activities be impacted?
• What are the employment situations/schedules of the parents?
• What are the financial situations of the parents?

The court considers these and other unique factors in each case and tries to determine what would be best for the children based on the information he or she has been given. In some instances, if the children are older, the judge will talk with the children involved to determine what the children's preference is and why.

Custody Arrangements

Many parents wish to opt for a shared joint physical custody situation. A true joint physical custody arrangement means the children are spending equal amounts of time with each parent; meaning 3 to 4 nights per parents each week. This arrangement can be very hard on kids. It doesn't allow them to truly have one location to call home and often disrupts school and extracurricular activities. This setup can also be a hindrance for kids trying to make or keep friends, especially if a new school or neighborhood is involved.

A true joint physical custody plan is often chosen by the parents to appease the guilt and sadness of the parents. Courts are cognizant of this fact, and rarely agree to a true joint physical custody arrangement. Instead, courts more often give one parent primary physical custody with both parents jointly sharing legal custody. The judge must always put the kids' interests ahead of the parents' interests, which can be quite different from each other, especially given the anger that often accompanies a marriage dissolution.

One thing to remember about custody arrangements is that it isn't set in stone. One or both parents or the children can come back to court and ask for a modification of the original order. Physical or legal custodians can be changed; child support amounts can be raised or lowered; any other arrangements set out in the original order can be modified; and new issues that arise as the children grow and mature can be addressed by the court, as well.

The Scoop

Divorce is hard for all members of the family; there's no denying that regardless of what brought the marriage to the brink of an abyss. Fighting over the kids makes it infinitely more terrible for everyone. I'm not saying not to fight tooth and nail for your kids if that is the best thing for them, but if it's the best thing for you, think twice. Over and out...

Anna

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