Hanging By a Thread

Collage: Creating Something New from Something Broken {A Lesson in Persistence and Love}

England Summer of 1996

Back in 1996, I spent a magical, amazing summer in London. I toured a number of cathedrals and castles and towers in London and the surrounding countryside while there. All were impressive and beautiful; some left more of an impression than others. One story that has stayed with me all these years came from the tour of Winchester Cathedral; one of the oldest and longest cathedrals in England.

In 1642, Cromwell's troops smashed the huge stained glass windows in this cathedral. The women of Winchester gathered all the pieces of the shattered glass and tried to put the pictures back together, but they couldn't. So, instead they simply used all the pieces to make a collage of sorts.

The pieces are there, but they're just in a different order; creating a completely new work of art. It was one of the most beautiful stained glass windows I've ever seen.

This story really touched me; the care and love that went into that window must have been great.

Texas Summer of 2011

In the summer of 2011, I wrote about the end of the marriage between my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and my anger and grief over losing my sister-in-law in the process. It was a gut-wrenching, broken-hearted, confusing time for our family.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law kept saying they were praying for a miracle.

Half of me thought with a smirk what kind of miracle? The divorce petition had been filed and served; my brother-in-law had moved out; hearts had been torn in two. The other half of me thought why can't this story end like a country love song {my favorite kind of country song} and they vow to love each other and make it work.

But mostly, I thought it was over and we would all learn the new rules of family gatherings, holidays and loss from divorce.

Texas Summer of 2012

Well, I was wrong. They got their miracle. A year after thinking it was over for good a crazy, miraculous thing happened. They fell in love; a love like they had never had. This love is deep and wide and puts goofy smiles on their faces.

Persistence and New Designs

Sometimes something can be so broken; so crushed down and ripped into little pieces that it becomes unrecognizable. Often those pieces are swept up and thrown into the garbage. But sometimes those pieces are carefully gathered and preserved until they can be put back together again. And like the Winchester Cathedral, you can't always get those pieces to look like it did before. No, instead, it becomes something completely new and more beautiful than before.

And that's what happened here. There was a marriage before, but it never looked like this. Now, it's a beautiful work of art that was hand-wrought from hard lessons learned, a new common aim and a deep and abiding love for each other and their family that was ignored and forgotten in the past, but came shining through when the shards were pieced together in this new design.

The Scoop

So, when something is broken and appears to be beyond repair, remember the Winchester Cathedral stained glass window that was pieced into an amazing new design in 1660; 18 years after it was shattered during a civil war. All it takes is a fresh perspective and an enduring persistence; and maybe a country love song or two.

I can't deny that this pleases me beyond words, brings a tear to my eye and puts a goofy smile on my face. Miracles happen every day.

Ironically, it was the summer of 1996 that this marriage began; just 1 month before I traveled to England and toured the Winchester Cathedral. Over and out....

Anna

Less Than Perfect Behavior: Temporary Orders

While we were visiting Texas, we celebrated Darling 1's birthday. My sister-in-law had gotten a gift for Darling 2, as well, since his birthday is in a few months and it would be easier on her to give it to him now in-person and easier on him to receive it now while his brother was getting lots of gifts; it's hard to understand these kinds of things when you're still a little guy.

Well, Darling 2 knew about this gift, and he wanted to open it right away because he's 3 and impatient with a single-focus when there are presents to be had.

Darling 2 didn't care about the schedule of the evening or the reasoning behind waiting. All he knew is that he wanted that gift. Darling 2 felt angry and distraught and powerless in his situation; and he couldn't think of anything else.

As the evening advanced, he became more and more difficult and more and more upset knowing there was something he wanted in that bag, but wasn't able to have it until someone in charge gave the OK.

Eventually, he got to open that present and was ecstatic to find a Transformer. He quickly forgot the agony he had been in having to wait to get what he wanted once he had.

Well, adults can behave this way too.

Often, when a marriage has come to an end, but no formal divorce proceedings have begun, the once couple, now two separate beings have a single-focus of getting out of the marriage and holding on to whatever dear is left whether it's the kids, the house, pets, grandma's china, the big screen TV or a big bank account. And often, both spouses feel angry, sad and powerless in their situations.

That's not a good place to be. It's a confusing time and sometimes the result is a whole lot of...inaction. Perhaps, each person is waiting on the other to make a move; or worried that the other will act faster and more aggressively than the other; or just plain stuck, not knowing where to go next.

Many times once a couple has decided that marriage is no longer an option for them, the concern turns to custody and finances. There are questions about who will pay the mortgage, the insurance, the bills, etc. And if there are children involved the biggest tension point is most often who will the kids live with and who will pay child support and how much, etc.

The easiest and best way to answer all these questions is to get a Temporary Order in place once one party has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage.

A Temporary Order is a court order that establishes temporary custody of children and visitation schedules, amounts of spousal support and/or child support; ensures that valuable assets won't be sold; allows for who will be living in the home, paying the bills, etc. This order can remain in force until it is amended at a subsequent hearing or until the Divorce Decree is filed and takes the place of the Temporary Order.

Once the petition for dissolution is filed and one spouse is moving out, the two spouses can decide these issues on their own and then present it to the court for approval or if the two are unable to come to an agreement about these key issues, the court will decide these matters, at least on a temporary basis.

So, if you find yourself feeling powerless and confused as you face divorce and are concerned about what will happen when your spouse moves out or whether your spouse will drop you from the insurance policy or who will be responsible for making house or car or credit card payments and most importantly how will the children be taken care of, by whom and where, then you should promptly contact an attorney about filing a petition for dissolution and getting a temporary order in place.

The Temporary Order involves filing a few documents, answering some questions, working out a few things with your soon to be ex-spouse or leaving it all up to a judge and agreeing to abide by this court order until further notice. *Exact details vary by jurisdiction. Over and out...

Anna

Standing Still While Time Passes in a Blur: Laws of Time & People

On my recent trip to Texas I have come up with a few "laws" concerning the passage of time and its effect on people. As I've mentioned in the past, Texas is my homeland; where my people reside. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to visit with family, both young and old, by blood and by marriage, as well as see friends from college; even more importantly, my sorority sisters.

I have known these people at most for my entire life and least for several decades. I am not a stranger to them and they are certainly not unfamiliar to me. These are people I have shared my life with, the good times and bad times. There have been many laughs and just as many tears. These are some of the most important people in my life.

As time marches on, much seems to stand still. We all move along the continuum of time entering new phases of life as we leave other stages behind, and yet some things just never change. Here are the observations I've made on the "Laws of People and Time":

1. People don't really change; time softens the hard edges or chisels deep, sharp chasms into the soul; and sometimes life does both at various times;
2. Even though time, life {and kids} have long since ravaged our young, svelte, wrinkle free bodies, we still look the same to each other;
3. Those close knit friendships forged during those formative college years are friends for life;
4. No matter how old you are, you are always your mom's child;
5. Old wounds can be as raw as when the dagger first struck if flooded with old memories;
6. Family ties don't have to be broken by divorce;
7. We are products of our roots, surroundings and experiences;
8. Our love for such friends and family is not diminished by time, distance or circumstances, but remains for a lifetime.

We can't stop time from ticking away second by second, minute by minute, day by day, or year by year, but that's alright because there are some things that time can't take away or ever change. These things simply define who we are, strive to be or have overcome.

Clearly, I'm still feeling nostalgic after my trip to Texas. Over and out...

Anna

Celebrity Watch: Our Emotional Connections {Inspired by Klum v. Seal}

Hollywood Divorce

So, Heidi Klum filed for divorce from Seal this week. Why is this headline news? This is certainly neither the first, nor the last celebrity divorce in the news. We watch them all with interest. Why are we concerned with the affairs of people we don't know; people we have never even met and more than likely will never meet?

The breakup of a marriage and a family is always sad, regardless of who the people are or the reasons why. People are people no matter their profession or social status, and all people feel anger, loss and sadness. But what makes the general public feel such an intense interest in a celebrity's life; whether it's a marriage, a divorce, a birth, a death or other event?

Feeling a Kinship

Clearly, much of the general public does feel this way. There are numerous blogs, publications, televisions shows and books devoted to this very topic. It's a multi-million dollar industry. We love to see what a celebrity is up to; how they live their lives. This seems to be particularly true about certain celebrity couples; couples deemed to be "normal" or "down-to-earth"; couples who stay married more than 5 years; couples who seem private and quiet; couples who seem to be happy and in love.

From all the media coverage sharing the romantic tidbits, the private moments, the glamorous getaways, the special gifts displayed for all to see we think we know them; we connect with them. I think that for many this exposure gives them a feeling of kinship with the celebrity couple; as in "if they can do it, so can we" or "we're rooting for you" sort of way.

Great Expectations

Or perhaps we are projecting our own relationships onto the celebrity couples and relying on them to pull through and make it and live happily ever after just like in the movies. Often that is not the case, especially for those matches made in Hollywood.

We know this. It's always been the case. There aren't many of these marriages that last a lifetime. Celebrities don't usually mate for life; instead many of them change spouses as often as they change movie roles.

Too harsh? Perhaps. But stop and think about the celebrities that we put on pedestals; those whom we feel disappointed in or let down by when we hear that he or she cheated or that he or she was abusive, etc. ; why do we put faith in these people? Why do we expect more from them? Why do we need them to stay married, be good husbands and wives and ride off in the sunset together?

Hollywood Splits Good for Our Marriages?

These celebrity marriages {& dissolutions} have nothing to do with our lives; with our marriages. And yet, we continue to buy People magazine; we continue to tune into to the celebrity gossip sites; and we continue to discuss their engagements, weddings, parenting choices and breakups with our friends and have an opinion about it all.

As it turns out, psychoanalysts say we do identify with various celebrities or perhaps see a particular celebrity couple as having things in common with our own marriages, and we have an emotional connection to them because of these similarities. So, when something like a divorce occurs, we do feel a little like it's happening to us. We feel the sadness and heartbreak as we imagine they are feeling too.

However, experts say this can also encourage us to look at our own marriages and learn positive lessons from the demise of our favorite celebrity couple. These breakups may prompt us to ask questions like, "could this happen to us?" In fact, the report of a celebrity couple filing for divorce could be a good way to bring up issues in your own relationship that are of concern to you or areas that need improvement, etc.

The Scoop

So, if you're feeling a trace of sadness over the announcement that Heidi Klum has filed for divorce after 7 years of marriage to Seal, you're only human and it could actually be good for your marriage. Over and out...

Anna

New Beginnings: State Laws Taking Effect January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

January 1^st....the start of a new year, a day a big sales at retail giants, the first day of a new diet for many and the day a number of new state laws take effect. January is definitely the month of new beginnings and that rings true for many laws too.

While I haven't surveyed every state, I did take a look at some of the new state laws from around the country. I have highlighted the new laws {or absence of pertinent new laws} that have just taken effect that concern parents, kids and/or families.

While you may think this is unimportant information, take a look; there may be a few that concern you and your family. With almost 40,000 new laws going into effect on January 1, 2012, there must be something that affects you or someone you know.

A Few New State Laws

Minnesota

No news laws that pertain to families. {Let it be noted that it was quite an argumentative year in MN.}

Texas

College students attending school in Texas to get a meningitis vaccine. This law is applicable to all state universities, community colleges and junior colleges. TX is the first state mandate this. The students must have had this vaccine within the last 5 years.

Texas homeowners will be protected from aggressive homeowner associations that try to foreclose on homes based on late dues, fees and fines.

New York

Hookahs, water pipes, and shisha (a product made of primarily tobacco and smoked) shall not be sold to minors.

A new law will strengthen DEC's authority to ban products that contain mercury.

Middle class tax cuts will reduce tax rates on middle to their lowest levels in more than 50 years About 4.4 million middle class taxpayers will receive a total of  $690 million in personal income tax relief.

California

Open carrying of guns is banned;

Children under 8 and those who are too small to wear regular seat belts must use a child safety seat or booster seat.

Florida

The federal government will no longer have a hand in control the Florida school meal programs This will allow the state of Florida to use more Florida-grown fresh fruit and vegetables on school menus.

Illinois

Hotels are now required to be equipped with at least one smoke detector within 15 feet of every room that is used for sleeping purposes. (HB 1398/ PA-97-0447)

Allows local school boards to, if federal grants are available, opt in to a full-year pilot plan if a school is on academic watch status for more than 2 years. Schools that opt in must increase their school calendar by 35 days, and requires students attend a minimum of 215 days. This pilot program affects only schools in Sen. James Meeks' district.

Requires criminal background information on an employee that has been obtained by a school district within the last year to be shared, upon request, with any other school district.

Changes legislation to reflect the current criminal penalty for making a false report of child abuse to DCFS, and updates the required posted warning to reflect that a false report is a Class 4 felony violation.

Allows people in divorce situations to use life insurance as a security for child support and maintenance obligations.

Requires all employees of licensed child care facilities who care for newborns and infants to complete training every 3 years on sudden unexpected infant death (SUID), sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and on the safe sleep recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Requires adult passengers in the back seat of a vehicle to wear a seat belt, and also requires those 18 and younger riding in a taxi cab for school-related purposes to wear a seat belt.

Colorado

Coaches must not allow players as young as 11 to continue playing a sport if a head injury is suspected. In order to return to play, the athletics will be required to have medical clearance. Furthermore, coaches in public and private schools and even volunteer coaches of Little League and Pop Warner football are required to take a free annual online training to learn the symptoms to recognize a concussion.

Delaware

Same-sex couples can now enter into a civil union or domestic partnerships, which give them the same state rights and obligations of those who are married.

The Scoop

Does your state have any new laws worth checking out? I'll be touching base regarding distracted driving issues in this New Year on Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Over and out...

Anna

Losing It: Mental Illnesses and Child Custody Issues {A Post from the Past}

Some Days

There are some days; days that I feel that I am one step away from completely losing my marbles. The chaos, the lack of sleep, the stress, the ups and downs of life, it can be overwhelming. But I keep it together...for the most part. I know that these days are just that; one day ever so often in a life full of many days. I don't have a mental illness, and I have a spouse who can take the helm for a bit while I sort through my feelings, get some rest and move past the funk.

Mental Illnesses

And yet, there are parents out there who do struggle with mental illnesses. For some of these parents just making it through each day is a challenge; every day. For other parents with mental illnesses, medication can alleviate the symptoms and bring balance back to that parent's life; and the family's lives, for that matter.

Some of these parents have to find a way to cope with their illnesses and handle divorce and/or custody issues too. And other parents struggling with mental diseases are single parents dealing with everything on their own; work, finances, illness, parenting, medications. Many questions arise in these situations.

Custody Issues

For parents with severe mental illnesses the rate of losing custody is between 70 – 80%. Some states have laws that list mental illness of a parent as a condition for losing custody. The severity of the illness, combined with the symptoms of the particular mental illness, side effects from medications and the absence of another parent in the home are among the determinants for removing a child from the house of a mentally ill parent.

While all parents have a right to raise their children without government interference, the courts must weigh what's in the best interest of a child with a parent's mental disabilities and the impact on the family. If it's clear to the court that a child will be endangered by the parent's incapacity to care for his or her child, the court must remove the child from that parent's home and award custody to the other parent {in a divorce situation}, a grandparent or another competent adult.

In order for a court to determine what's in the best interest of a child, extensive mental health evaluations are ordered for the parent. The mere presence of a mental illness does not determine whether that parent will completely lose custody rights. In some cases, the court will find that based on all the evidence presented, a parent with a mental illness is still capable of caring for his or her children, at least some of the time.

A court's concern is that a child living with a mentally ill parent may suffer from neglect or abuse, be subjected to unsafe conditions or situations or be forced to take care of the parent instead of the other way around. Courts take these situations very seriously.

Due to these concerns of the courts and the high chance of losing custody, some parents in this situation may attempt to hide the illness or minimize the effects of the disease or the medications. Parents may even avoid needed treatment for mental diseases for fear of losing custody. While this is understandable considering how painful it would be to lose custody of a child, the parent must keep his or her focus on the child's safety and general well-being.

It's important to be forthright with any investigation, whether you are the parent being assessed; or the parent being evaluated is your spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse, a friend or a family member. Again, the focal point must always be the best interest of the child.

The Scoop

No matter the determination or outcome of any case involving a parent and/or child with a mental illness, it's a heartbreaking situation; and not one taken lightly by the courts. Termination of parental rights is final, but a custody situation is changeable, depending on circumstances. For instance, if a parent seeks treatment, becomes stable on medication, etc. the parties could revisit the custody arrangements, if so desired.

No matter how you look at it, a case involving a parent suffering from a mental illness is never easy for anyone involved. Over and out....

Anna

On A Soapbox: Suing Mom?

Worst Mommy in the World

I am not the most patient mom in the world. I'll admit it. I have been known to lose my temper. It's true. I have, at times, been called "the worst mommy in the WORLD!" by my hot-headed, tantrum-throwing offspring. I've been judged and sentenced to time out or prison, whatever that is to a 5 year-old. I have sometimes agreed with the sentences pronounced upon me...sometimes.

But my children are still young, impetuous and unschooled in life, and I expect that in time they'll grow and mature and understand that life isn't fair; they don't get everything they want whether they deserve it or not; and that they won't always deserve, or need, the things they may think they simply cannot live without.

Extreme and Outrageous Behavior

I pray that my kids will understand these things and love me regardless of how much {or how little} I spend on them. I sincerely hope my kids don't ever sue me because I wasn't the "world's best mommy" in their view every day.

You think it's absurd that I would hope such a thing? Because seriously, what kind of values am I teaching my kids, right? What kind of brat would sue a parent over such trivial and unimportant issues? Who, indeed? Well, I'll tell you precisely who: Stephen A. Miner II and Kathryn Miner, now 23 and 20, respectively, of Barrington Hills, a wealthy Chicago suburb.

These spoiled, rotten brats {in my opinion}...ahem...siblings sued their mother. What did they claim she did to them as children? Were there allegations of locking them in the closet; leaving them in the car until 2 a.m. while she sat in a bar drinking; physically, sexually or mentally abusing them, withholding food or shelter from them? No, these two claimed emotional distress and sought damages for her alleged "extreme and outrageous" behavior. Here are some of the specific instances that lead to these claims by said Plaintiffs: The Respondent, a.k.a. Mom, allegedly:

• Told Steven when he was 7 that she would call police if he didn't buckle his seat belt.
• Failed to send college care packages and birthday cards for many years, and when she sent cards, failed to include cash.
• Changed her last name, causing distress at school events.
• Sent Steven a birthday card showing a bunch of tomatoes, one with googly eyes, with the caption: "Son I got you this birthday card because it's just like you … different from all the rest!"
• Haggled over the amount spent on Kathryn Miner's party dresses.
• Called Kathryn Miner at midnight while she was at homecoming and told her to come home.
• Played favorites with the kids.

~Source: ABA Journal, August 29, 2011

Family Dynamics

So, where was the father of these shallow kids when they were contemplating suing dear ol' mom? Where, indeed? Why he was one of the attorneys who helped to bring this suit to court. Their father represented them in this lawsuit. Ah, this is starting to make more sense, isn't it?

When little Steven and Kathryn were and 7 and 4, their parents divorced. Steven Miner, Sr., their father, was awarded full custody of young Steven and the two parents shared custody of their young daughter. Clearly, there are still some issues that should probably be resolved in therapy or during long, open-hearted, emotional conversations with each other.

This week, an Illinois appellate court dismissed this case finding that the mother's alleged conduct was neither extreme nor outrageous. The Court further stated that a ruling in favor of the children "could potentially open the floodgate to subject family child rearing to ...excessive judicial scrutiny and interference" as quoted in the ABA Journal, August 29, 2011.

The Scoop

This frivolous, petty, overly litigious claim not only wasted the time and money for all involved, but as nj.com points out it also lessens the very real and tragic stories of kids who are truly abused and mistreated by their parents.

The mother, Kimberly Garrity, other than perhaps having her heart broken by her malcontent offspring, also could have gone broke fighting this lawsuit. From several articles I read, it looks like Ms. Garrity will not recoup her attorney fees in this matter. And yet, the Plaintiffs, who supposedly lost this battle, won't have to pay much, if anything, considering Daddy was their attorney. So, who really won?

Hmmmm, something stinks here. Clearly, there was some abuse here. The Miners, all three of them, abused the judicial system in trying to settle a personal and very petty score. Over and out...

Anna

Mourning a Loss: Processing Divorce

Mood Swings

I've been in a funk lately. A few weeks ago I was in denial. Last week I was deeply sad. This week, I'm angry. And now I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm mourning the loss of my sister-in-law.

I recently wrote about a couple struggling with whether to stay married after many years of unsuccessfully trying to make it work. I was referring to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. The week I wrote that post, the decision to end the marriage became a reality. The petition has been filed and served.

While I know it was the right decision, our family has now been irrevocably changed forever. I have never gone through divorce with anyone close to me before now, but it's much harder than I ever expected it to be for me.

My Sister-in-law

For some, "losing" a sister-in-law might not be a big deal, but it is to me. I have loved her since the moment I met her. She is more sister than sister-in-law. We have laughed together, cried together and prayed for each other more times than can be counted. We have been knowing and loving each other for 17 years now. That's a long time.

She is one of the funniest persons I know. She has been through more in her almost 37 years than many people in their 60s have. She is stronger than she knows. She is as smart as a whip. She and I can communicate volumes with each other with just a look from across a room. She is my sister.

I can say that nothing will change. We can still send texts to each other. We can still go to Sonic for Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Peppers when we visit in Texas. We will still be in contact. But the truth is everything is changing. Our family will never be the same. My head tells me this is the right decision for them, but my heart is broken, and it feels as if she has died.

Grieving a Loss

I've been confused by my restlessness, my heavy heart, my sadness, my anger deep inside for the last several weeks. Then, it hit me today. I am going through the stages of mourning a loss. For as long as I've had a relationship with my husband and been involved with my husband's family, my sister-in-law has been there with me for the last 17 years. Now she will not be there.

While she alone is not to blame for the divorce {After all, it takes two to tango.}, she is the one leaving the family, and she is the one who is bearing the brunt of my feelings.

According to the experts, grief is not a single event; it is a process. It takes time. There are stages each person goes through while sorting out the details in one's head and heart. These stages of mourning can occur due to the death of a family member, a friend or a beloved pet; a divorce; a breakup; loss of job; or other major loss.

Seven Stages of Grief

Here are the Seven Stages of Mourning a Loss, specifically relating to divorce:

• Shock or Disbelief ~ A person may be unable to believe this is actually happening and be unable to thoroughly process what it will mean. This stage may last only a week or so.
• Denial ~ A family member may deny or literally forget that the divorce is occurring. This is a mind game played to protect the person from the pain of loss.
• Anger ~ This is a common response for a person faced with such a significant decision with little or no perceived power resulting in a potentially negative effect. These circumstances often generate feelings of helplessness, which can fuel an individual's anger.
• Bargaining ~ An individual will attempt to make a deal with God to change the situation. This is not a prevalent stage in all cases though.
• Guilt ~ During this stage, a person may feel that he or she did not do enough to prevent the loss. A person may wish to go back and change things in the past to stop this loss from occurring.
• Depression ~ The state of chronic, debilitating sadness is a common and natural reaction to loss. A person may be stuck in a constant state of reflection of happier times; unable to move forward with life.
• Acceptance and Hope ~ Eventually, the person comes to terms with the reality of loss. With this acceptance there is a realization that life has changed forever, but there is still life and hope and a future. A person can then move forward with a different perspective .

Source: Live Strong

Everyone reacts a bit differently with each stage. Adults and children also have different responses to each stage of grief. For more information about these stages and how children are affected, check out this article on Children Grieving.

Clearing My Head

So, where does that leave me? Stuck somewhere between Anger and Acceptance. While I am not the one going through the divorce and we don't often get to physically see our relatives in Texas, it is a palpable change. And yet, I am surprised by my feelings and by how much this has affected me.

My solution: I'm hitting the open road; I'm getting the heck outta Dodge; I'm taking a road trip with my boys. I can't wait to feel the freedom of the wide open spaces; feel the wind on my face; and get my groove back.

Will I feel better when I return? Maybe; maybe not, but I'll keep working out my feelings and clearing my head. Eventually, I'll reach acceptance and there will be a new normal for our family, but I'll always remember our good times and even our not so good times together as sisters.

The Scoop

Have you experienced such a loss or reaction to such a loss? How did you deal with it? And don't worry; I'm taking you on the road with me. Stay tuned. Over and out....

Anna

You might also like:

Knowing When to Walk Away: Marriage v. Divorce

In the Best Interests of the Children: Child Custody Considerations II

There's a Storm a Brewin' in Minnesota: NOH8MN

 

 

 

Motherly Advice

A marriage is like a tailor made suit. You can slightly alter the suit by hemming it, taking it in, letting it out or changing a small detail here or there, but the only true and perfect fit will be the one for whom the suit was made.

    ~ Anonymous

Over the years, marriages do change; for the good; for the bad; and occasionally without consequence. A marriage can withstand a lot, and a sturdy marriage can roll with the punches, learning from each glancing blow. But a marriage is made for two people only. If a "third wheel" ever works its way in between the couple in the marriage, the marriage no longer fits.

The wedge between the married couple can be work, an affair, a hobby, a friend, an obsession, an addiction or anything that forces its way in often taking over like an invasive weed.

The goal is to spot this "third wheel" and never allow it to get close enough to get its foot in the door. This can be tricky though because sometimes the wedge is disguised as a well-meaning friend or counselor and other times the wedge is not something that can be avoided, but must be reckoned with instead.

Marriage is certainly no easy task; and it's relentless work. But just like anything that's worthwhile, it takes time to perfect. Here's to making sure the suit always fits.

It's Friday…. Go eat some chocolate. It's good for you, and you deserve it!

Anna

Nota Bene: I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents and kids are not created equally, but are wholly individual in personality and style. Regardless of these differences, the basic needs of love, patience and support remain constant. Here are the weekly affirmations, tips and reminders. Unless otherwise noted, these are entirely my opinion. Take them with a grain of salt, or not!

 

Knowing When to Walk Away: Marriage v. Divorce

The Big "D"

Divorce has been on our minds lately. Not with regards to our own marriage, but rather that of a couple who means the world to us. We've been supporting, praying and talking with this couple about their marital issues for years now. They have been through every kind of counseling, therapist and retreat you can think of. They've tried and tried and tried to make it work, but it's just not working.

They have now come to the edge of the cliff and are standing toe to toe with the big "D" staring them in the eyes. The time has come to "fish or cut bait."

How Does It Come to This?

Years ago as a law clerk sitting in on dissolution hearings or working on dissolution orders, I used to wonder at what point did the couple in love turn into this couple who cared nothing for each other; this couple who could barely stand to look at each other. I think I have finally grasped the slow and steady transition that takes place with many couples who decide to end their marriages.

Once the "honeymoon period" passes, the couple, burdened by everyday life, drifts apart little by little over days, months and years. Without arguments, discussions and regular heart-to-heart communications this can lead to isolation, hurt feelings, miscommunication and anger. After a while, these feelings turn to resentment, then hatred and finally, worst of all, indifference settles in. In my opinion, once a couple reaches the indifference stage, it's over.

My Two Cents

My husband recently heard that a good marriage is 80% love and 20% hate. I hadn't heard this before, but it makes sense. You spend so much time together; you share so much; your differences become apparent; and those once cute quirks become extremely irritating. So, even couples who are relatively happy and love each other, still get frustrated with each other some of the time. That's just life.

DH and I have been married almost 13 years. This hardly qualifies me as an expert on marriage, but I do know that we've had our rough times and our good times and through it all, this is what I've learned:

• Marriage is hard work;
• You won't always like your spouse, and that's OK.;
• There's always tomorrow;
• Be honest, even if it might hurt feelings;
• Don't stifle your feelings; this will only lead to resentment;
• Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen;
• It's alright to argue;
• But don't hit below the belt;
• Arguing and being mean are two different things;
• Admit when you've screwed up and ask for forgiveness;
• Always have each other's backs;
• Unify as a team, when possible;
• Spend time alone, even if it's in your home after the kids are in bed;
• Listen to your gut feelings;
• Third parties (friends, counselors, etc.) are not in the marriage; you and your spouse hold the keys to your happiness together;    
• If your marriage fails, you are not a failure; and
• Sometimes, marriage dissolution is better than staying married for the sake of staying married.

Life is short and shouldn't be spent constantly fighting with a spouse or feeling repressed and neglected by a spouse. The goal should be to be happy together most of the time and learn to accept as many of the quirks as possible. This will make you happy as an individual and as a couple.

But should the marriage be brought to its knees by an affair or addiction or other revelation or simply too many years of fighting against each other, know when to call it quits. A marriage is not in name and paper alone. A marriage is an action word; it's something you must be constantly tweaking and checking and repairing.

The Scoop

In the words of The Gambler, you've got to know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away; know when to run. A marriage is the same way. I would love to hear your tips for staying happily married {or mostly happily married}. And for the record, the photo in this post is of a pretty happy couple, at least for the time being. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage