Hanging By a Thread

5 Things You Should Know {On the Secret to Being Happy in Life}

This list just came to me one afternoon. As I age and become more comfortable in my skin, these are the "rules" I try to adhere to, in general.

Of course, there more to each of these succinct statements and these few words are not the be all and end all of a happy life, but I have been reading a lot about happiness v. joy and what makes us happy, etc.

And when it comes down to it, it's pretty simple. These points say nothing about work or faith or economic status or age or stage of life. These 5 (really 6) statements can apply to anyone and everyone, regardless of the level of ease of comfort of one's life.

 

1. Say No when you need to
2. Say Yes when you want to
3. Be present in the moment as much as possible
4. Don't feel guilty when you need to retreat from the world around you and be alone with your thoughts
5. Embrace where you are now and where you have come from, who you are now and who you are becoming, what you are doing and how you are getting where you are headed by refusing to give up or give-in, learning from your mistakes, continuing to move forward step by step, day by day and always offering a smile to everyone you meet.

Oh, and indulge a bit here and there! These moments are the cherries on top; shiny and sweet.

 Life is simple if we learn to travel lightly and ride the waves. This is not always an easy task, but one worth striving for. Over and out... {now humming "Don't Worry, Be Happy"}

Anna

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Brothers; A Close Bond {The Glue that Binds Together or the Wedge that Breaks Apart?}

A Close Bond

My boys are 2 years and 2 months apart in age. They are not twins as they sometimes say they are. And yet, they are not so different in size. They often dress alike. They share a bedroom and often a bed. They have amazingly similar and wildly different likes and dislikes. They are protective and concerned and loving towards each other. They are overly competitive and hateful and rude and bullies towards one another. They are forever linked by their DNA, their upbringing and their tight love/hate relationship.

They are brothers.

Bad Seeds or Good Apples

Brothers have been on my mind lately.

We have begun a new tradition of reading a passage from a Children's Bible at the dinner table each evening. I recently remarked on the number of brothers who despise and kill or set out to ruin the other; something that I had failed to ponder so much before giving birth to two brothers.

I recently picked up a magazine and read an excerpt from a book about brothers. There were many interesting connections, observations and theories regarding brothers and their birth order in this article, but what struck me was the conclusion that brothers are not necessarily alike, despite similar DNA and their shared parents and experiences don't mean much; it's more about their personalities, birth order and one's perception of a shared experience, which is often quite different from that of his brother.

I saw a headline that said something to the effect of "Two Brothers become dads within minutes of one another just a few doors apart at the same hospital." The article said the brothers were best friends; they saw each other quite frequently; lived near each other and were thrilled to add this experience to a list of many others.

Then, just this past week, I read something about the Boston terrorists; the brothers. And this article outlined the number of terrorists in recent and past history that were brothers; apparently, a shared closeness, such as that of a brother, can aid in shutting out the rest of the world and help them to believe their own flawed perceptions are true and right.

Of course, those shared experiences and likenesses and differences can also create amazing, beautiful, imaginative, innovative industry, ideas, art, etc. Think of the Wright Brothers, the Coen Brothers, the Marx brothers, the Gershwin Brothers, the Rockefeller Brothers, etc.

The Scoop

Perhaps, one day people will add the Berend Brothers to such a list for a great achievement in something. Or perhaps they will grow up, split up and take up very different lives, barely seeing each other during their adulthoods.

I see their similarities and the differences. I see how they comfort each other and rile each other. I see how they take up for each other and guide each other and encourage each other through difficult tasks or feelings. I see how they taunt and compete and physically strike out at each other.

I see all these things. And I think about my two sweet, stubborn, creative, boisterous, tough, sensitive boys sound asleep tangled up together in the lower bunk and I wonder will they be close and protective and loving when they are adults; will they always need each other; will they never plot to do evil; will they always understand each other?

This mother's heart prays for a loving, peaceful, steadfast relationship for these Brothers; a relationship that does no harm to each other or their families or to strangers, but one that produces only beautiful and inspiring and inventive outcomes, whatever they may be.

Brothers; there is no other relationship quite like it. Over and out....

Anna

*Coincidentally, we have a shortage of sisters in our household.... we don't have a daughter; I have a brother, but no sisters; my dear husband has only 2 brothers; no sisters.

99 Years {A Life Well Lived}

What would you do with your life if you knew you’d live 99 years? That’s a great many years; a great number of years past the average life expectancy.

Well, I can tell you what one man did. He lived a rich, full life. He built a large family; a family who has always enjoyed being together; he built traditions through family and work; he built a family business that grew and prospered for many years; he built a legacy through giving to a local school and church and to a large university and many other causes.

This man was my husband's grandfather; Lawrence August Berend; LA to those who knew him. And he died yesterday at the age of 99 years old; just 7 months shy of 100.

I don't profess to have known Grandpa as well as many of his large family did, but I knew him for 19 years, and I liked him.

He worked hard, alongside his brother, for a good many years to build their family business; a business that supported their offspring and grandchildren. He and Grandma raised 6 kids in a 3 bedroom house; the same 3 bedroom house that he and Grandma still lived in. Grandpa stayed active every day of his life, even in retirement; swimming, dancing, playing dominoes, socializing with his friends and family and attending mass. Grandpa was well-known and well respected and well liked. What more can you ask for?

On Thursday, Grandpa left his home and walked out to his car to go play dominoes with friends. When he didn't arrive, the friends called one of Grandpa's sons. Grandpa was found out by his garage.

While his quick wit and humor will be missed, I can tell you this, when Grandpa arrived at those pearly gates, he had a sly, slightly irritated grin on his face and I'll bet you his first words to St. Peter were as follows: "It's about time....I've been waiting a while, you know?" Because one thing a Berend is not is patient! And for a while Grandpa had wondered why he was still on this earth. Why had so many of his friends and family passed on years before and he continued on year after year in good health.

Well, we can't know the answer to that, but Grandpa would have liked the way he went; quick and to the point, without any fuss; the Berend way.

So, if you knew you had 99 years, what would you fill them with? Work, travel, reflection, family, friends? Would you squander a year or two just because you knew you could spare a few? Would you take more risks? Or would you take fewer risks? Would you take better care of yourself so your 99 years would be good, healthy years? Would you change some things or nothing at all?

For some 99 years isn't enough time to do all we've set out to do and for others, 99 years is far too many to fill.

I think Grandpa did it right. He danced and played and told stories and sweated and stood strong and worked hard and sacrificed and presided over many marriages and baptisms and first communions and family reunions and wasn't intimidated and told it how he saw it. He was as tough and hard and as soft and giving as old leather boots.

If in the end you have no regrets or unfulfilled dreams and you know where you stand and who you are, I'd say that's a life well lived. Here's to Grandpa Berend and here's to life, perhaps 99 or more years of life... Over and out...

Anna

Taking Up the Cause {Rock Solid Core}

You know when you're going along and BAM something happens and all the sudden you look like the bad guy and you had done nothing and had no sinister intentions?

How about this one? You're going along minding your own beeswax and then KABLOOEY something pops up and you know you're going to have to stand up against the machine to be true to yourself even though it may look like you're just trying to make waves?

Ever take up the cause for an unpopular opinion, side or person? Ever feel that the world is against you no matter which direction you turn?

Yeah? Me too.

And this is what I think it means.

When you repeatedly stand up for, against, with or without, you know yourself to the core. And that core is rock solid. There are no loopholes. There are no sink holes. There is just a smooth, sometimes cool and sometimes hot, backbone.

A rock solid core doesn't allow you to leave well enough alone. A rock solid center doesn't let you settle for being herded along with the rest of the crowd.

An interior like this is sometimes a burden to bear. It isn't easy having to stand up tall and take the heat and formulate the arguments when you were planning to just sit back and coast for a while. And yet, when you get that feeling you know. It starts in your heart and makes its way up to your head.

Sometimes there's a moment of shrugging it off and battling between the left and right brain; a debate between the head and the heart; sometimes you hesitate for a fraction; is this worth the fight? But then there is always the taking up the staff and the heading headfirst into battle.

Though your core is rock solid you can get flesh wounds from the darts being thrown. And those wounds can hurt. Sometimes you wish you could just leave it to someone else to take up the fight; you could just let it pass; say it doesn't concern you.

It's exhausting; it's tough; it's exhilarating; it's rewarding; it's stressful; it can keep you up at night; it can occupy your days; it takes up space in your brain.

It's the right thing to do. Not everyone can wage these arguments or make these points or lead these fights. You  must be true to your heart and uphold your convictions and help those who can't or don't stand up for themselves.

In the end, you go to bed, having done the best you can. And you know, the next time it happens, you'll be ready to defend, support, explain, argue, plan, talk through, stand up, beside, behind or down because that's who you are. Over and out...

Anna

The Luxury of Time {A Daydream}

If I had unlimited funds, this is what I would do.....

Volunteer for weekly shifts with the St. Vincent de Paul organization in my church....before I had kids I did this and it was immensely rewarding, gut-wrenching and such a blessing. They do great things with very few resources...

Travel with my family on a regular basis.... in our country, out of our country, covering many terrains, cultures, languages and foods...

Paint...on canvas...it's something I've been wanting to try...

Create funds for school lunches, school supplies, school programs and trips, give funds to food pantry programs, animal shelters and those in need of basic necessities...

Write and write and write to my heart's content....

Hire someone to clean my house, take care of my yard and do administrative tasks for me...

Buy a nice camera, learn how to use and snap tons of beautiful photos...

Spend lots of time in the kitchen baking, cooking, creating...

Read books, one after another...

Some of these sound simple and cheap; things one could do without having unlimited funds. It's true, but the issue becomes time; time is money, as the saying goes. And when you are self-employed, as I am, that is definitely true. So, for me, unlimited funds, means time....time to choose how to fill my hours, days, months. And this is how I would fill them. What would you do? Over and out...

Anna

Inside My Head

There's a lot that goes on inside my head. I make lists; I sing songs and hum along with an imaginary orchestra; I write posts; I referee debates between my head and my heart; I justify; I reason; I pray; I run through worst case and best case scenarios; I calculate, often having to do with time; I speak with an accent, usually British; I shut out the rest of the world.

We all need this alone time. And "alone" can mean many different things to each person. I can be completely alone at my desk, in a silent house, in the middle of the night; at the kitchen counter while chopping vegetables and surrounded by dogs, cats and little boys all needing different things from me at the same time; in the middle of a busy airport with people rushing to and fro, heading home or getting away or running to close a deal or visit grandma, as I sit with earbuds in, magazine open and oblivious to the perpetual motion; while shopping for groceries, wandering up and down the aisles without my kids and without a clock ticking for me to somewhere or do something. I can be quite alone in many places.

Being alone recharges my battery, clears away the webs of schedules, to-do lists, deadlines, the have-tos and need-tos, the push and pull of everyday. I can think again. I can put things into perspective. I can get back in the game of life.

Shutting off. Being Still. Meditating. Writing. Taking a walk. Just sitting without speaking. It shouldn't be so hard to do. Why does it feel so selfish sometimes to take this time to be alone?

For a mom this can be a difficult task....but it's a necessary one too. Today I'm celebrating taking the time to be inside my head and start the week off with a clear perspective of the tasks that must be tackled, taking into account that there will be very little alone time. Over and out...

Anna

Year 4: Less Fear, More determined and Forever Optimistic {Are You Ready?}

The End?

Last March I almost pulled the plug. ...on the blog, that is. I almost stopped writing here. I felt alone. I felt adrift. Life was hard and cold and dark. I didn't see much point in pouring my heart out, researching, writing and sharing.

Yes, I had readers; quite loyal ones. Yes, I got tons of hits from search engine queries. But the writing and publishing began to feel like a burden and I questioned its purpose. I took a week off, but then I felt a guiding hand gently pushing towards picking up where I had left off.

New Rules

So, I did, but I began to set my own rules. I write what I want to write, not what I think I should write; not what I think people want. I write when I want to write and when I have time; I can't write every day. There is no pay from this blog. So, this blog can't get in the way of my other work and my family time. I don't do ads or giveaways or endorsements. That's not why you come over to Hanging by a Thread.

You come here for honest commentary, good information and real life. And that's what I was dedicated to giving you this past year. I simplified the design, stripped the sidebars of everything, but my distracted driving button {that one is close to my heart} and I changed the blog's name from Motherly Law to Hanging by a Thread because that's how I feel on most days.

Whew! Year 3 was a year of transition. And I made it through with just a few scrapes and bruises. I took on tough subjects, heated topics, personal feelings and everything in between. When I went back through the posts from the past year, I liked what I read. I felt that each post I read was honest, even if it was brutal or risky or wasn't a popular view or topic or was deeply personal. And that's all I can ask of myself.

The Scoop

As each new year begins, I try to set goals and think about where I want to be in the following March. So far, I haven't had a clue what the year has in store for me. So, this year, I'll stop trying to pretend that I have any control over that.

As I have said many times, I write what's on my heart and try to live that way too. I recently wrote about living fearlessly, and honestly this past year of adversity has giving me a steadfast strength and a resolute focus. I am less fearful, more determined and forever optimist, even when the black clouds move in, I know the winds of truth will come blow the clouds away. Here's to Year 4....Over and out...

Anna

Year 3: Coming into My Own {A Review of the Year}

Much has changed in three years, including the areas and depth of which I write. I am braver with each passing year. I'm not sure whether I trust you more or care less about what you think of me, or perhaps both.

I took the opportunity to scroll through the months of posts from 2012 and skim through the titles, the words, the photos. There are always posts I have forgotten about. Some posts make me laugh and some bring tears, but I always find it interesting to read the words I formed into sentences and paragraphs and remember what I was feeling or thinking when I wrote the article.

Here are a few (OK, quite a few) of my favorites from 2012. Some are deep and others are fluffy. Some are happy and others are bitter. No matter the tone, I am {almost} always hopeful; and I hope that is perceptible.

Introspective

Time Crunch: On a Deadline...Always!

Motherly Advice {In Perspective} Everyone sees the world differently and has different experiences...

5 Things You Should Know {What a Woman Wants...What a Woman Needs} ...It's not what you think!

My Life...So Far {38 Lessons} 38 doesn't seem so old, but this sure is a long list of lessons...

Snow Storms: A Welcome Invasion...Nothing as lovely as the first big snow of the season...

Time for Myself {at the Airport?}...I'll take it anywhere I can get it...

Falling Through the Dark Portal: Seasonal Affective Disorder {SAD}...Oh, these long, dark MN winters...

Family Matters

Motherly Advice: Speaking the Language {& Color} of Love....I love you as much as I love Green....

Ode to A Father ...An often thankless job...

Jazz: The Brightest of Eyes {An Obituary}...My First Baby...

Parenting Challenge: Selfish Kids {During the Season of Giving} ...When I didn't like my kids...

 Collage: Creating Something New from Something Broken {A Lesson in Persistence and Love} There was a marriage before, but it never looked like this.    

Political/Legal Statements

A Holy War: When Women's Health Care Becomes Collateral Damage ...Tough on Texas....

Putting a Stop to Bullying: Starting with You & Me...Bullying also makes my blood boil...

Political Campaign Contributions: A Waste of Money....Definitely on a Soapbox...

Eats, Shoots and Leaves or Eats Shoots and Leaves? {That's the Debate} ...Clever....

On Fried Chicken and Casting Stones...OK, not so much about fried chicken...

A Pledge...for the Unity of Our Nation; Overcoming the Great Divide... Forever optimistic that all people can unite as citizens of our country and see past differences...

God is with Us {Always and Everywhere}... My Thoughts about tragedy and God....

Today, March 1^st, marks the end of Year 3 and the Start of Year 4. Later today I will post about where I've been and where I'm going, as if I know...Over and out...

Anna

My Grandma: A Lesson in Genes

My grandma; it's complicated. If I weren't so much like her, I might not understand her as much as I do. Genetics are funny, aren't they?

I have written about many of my family members over the last several years, and while I have mentioned my grandma in a few posts, I haven't written much about her; and I'll tell you why.

Writing about my grandma is like writing about me and my deepest, darkest self; and that's hard. We're both often misunderstood; we can be very giving, loving and kind, but we can also be mean, bitter and hurtful. Much of the time our intentions are well-intended, but not always.

My grandma and I have always been close in ways; there were times that she hurt my feelings over the years, and I'm sure there have been times that I hurt her feelings, but we always forgive, but not forget, and move on.

During my college years, I was only a two hour drive away from her, and I made that drive fairly often. It was at this time that I had some of my best visits with her. That's also when our relationship changed; I was no longer a little girl. My grandma didn't feel that she had to instruct me and guide me; she became more relaxed and shared more and laughed more.

I get my writing prowess from her {and her son, my dad}, as well as my love of words and books; my eye for creating beautiful spaces; my expensive taste; my love of animals; my need to control things; and my ability to cut to the bone with just a few lightning quick, sharp-as-daggers words.

Often, it seems, that the traits that you hope stay put get passed along generation after generation; just a bit more diluted with each generation. Perhaps it's our gifts and faults that haven't been fully realized that keep re-surfacing, a kind of reincarnation of our selves. None of us are perfect, and there is no better lesson than to see another's fault and know that it's also your fault.

I'm proud of my grandma. She won't be intimidated; she speaks her mind; she gives; she lives her life each day; she's funny and witty; she still strives to learn and do and be. See the resemblance? Over and out....

Anna

Motherly Advice {Living Fearlessly}

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

    ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

I held his arm as he took wobbly, but determined steps. I wondered if this was the right decision. But when I looked into his face, I knew it was.

These weren't his first steps ever, but they were his first steps wearing ice skates. About a month ago, Darling 2, my four year-old son, decided he wanted to play hockey. I offered up every other sport I could think of, but to no avail. {Hockey is rough and expensive and time-consuming, and really not what I'd like him to pursue.} Darling 2 was sure.

So, I registered him for pre-beginner skate lessons. And here we were; him standing in the middle of the rink with a handful of other pre-beginners and me standing behind the glass, praying for the best.

He stood there beaming with determination, enthusiasm and pride. And then he slipped and fell. I braced with a thumbs up and an encouraging smile as he attempted to stand again. He slipped and spun and slipped again, but then he got it and stood up. He turned and looked at me. I watched for crumbling confidence, a changed mind, waves of doubt, but what I saw made my heart swell with love and pride.

Darling 2 was resolute. He knew that learning to skate is the first step to playing hockey. He never faltered in his determination or excitement during that lesson as he followed his teachers' instructions and did what was asked of him no matter how many times he tumbled and slid down to the ice. He always got back up on his own with a smile on his face.

Now, that is living without fear. He was not worried about failing; he was not concerned about what he could not yet do; he did let others sway his opinion. He knew this was the first step to his goal.

For many, it is this fear of failure that holds us back; whether it's in our careers or personal goals or ideas or dreams or relationships. It is fear that holds our hands and whispers words of doubt and self-pity and blame into our ears.

We may call it being cautious or working out a plan or hedging our bets. We may say that once this or that happens, then we'll do it. We may blame it on finances, time or circumstances. But really those are just the seeds that fear has planted; seeds that will never take root or sprout or grow; never to be harvested. Fear knows the power it holds.

Living past fear is going for it regardless of anything else; keeping the goal in sight even when fear tries to block your vision; getting back up every time fear trips you; keeping an open mind even when fear works to distract you with petty snags; and keeping a smile on your face even when fear taunts you.

How many of us can say we live this way? Not many. But what if we all lived this way?

Now, if Darling 2 had come off that ice and told me he was wrong it was not his dream to play hockey and skating was not his thing, I'd still love him and be proud of him for trying. And he may still make this decision after learning to skate and learning the game of hockey, but at least he will have gone out there and given it a shot.

And really it's just as important to realize when something is not right; when something is no longer your goal or that your intended path has veered from this present course. But you won't have been pushed around by fear; you will be plotting your own way. Over and out...

Anna