Hanging By a Thread

Working to the Bone {Motherhood Fail}

Darling 2 brought this home from preschool for me for Mother's Day. This breaks my heart.

I don't like to work. I don't even do it well. But, the truth is my son is right. I work all the time. I work from home....at the kitchen counter, at the dining room table, sitting on my bed, at my desk in my basement office.

My work is never done. I work long after they've all gone to bed. I work in between running errands and making meals. I work before I read a book to him or sit down to play something with him. I work.

To say I have flexibility is a lie. Oh, sure I have the flexibility to compose an email or send a text while making a pb&j sandwich or check the status of something before turning on PBS kids or run a search while running and up and down the stairs checking on dinner or sit at my computer in my pjs all day and night or work every single day for weeks at a time. But who am I kidding; I am not flexible; I am rigid; unbending.

I hate that he thinks that work is what I prefer to do.

What I'd rather be doing is exploring and having adventures with my kids. I'd rather sit and read book after book with them. I'd rather tell stories and listen to their play and soak up the memories of it all.

But I can't. Right now I work because I have to. I work to catch up. I work to break even. I work to pay off. I work to move up.

It hasn't always been this way, but he doesn't remember that. It won't always be this way, but he doesn't know that.

So, I will forge ahead; working myself to the bone; unconvincingly balancing my time as mom and consultant and contractor; doing what I must do, until I can change that scenario once and for all. Over and out...

Anna

Brothers; A Close Bond {The Glue that Binds Together or the Wedge that Breaks Apart?}

A Close Bond

My boys are 2 years and 2 months apart in age. They are not twins as they sometimes say they are. And yet, they are not so different in size. They often dress alike. They share a bedroom and often a bed. They have amazingly similar and wildly different likes and dislikes. They are protective and concerned and loving towards each other. They are overly competitive and hateful and rude and bullies towards one another. They are forever linked by their DNA, their upbringing and their tight love/hate relationship.

They are brothers.

Bad Seeds or Good Apples

Brothers have been on my mind lately.

We have begun a new tradition of reading a passage from a Children's Bible at the dinner table each evening. I recently remarked on the number of brothers who despise and kill or set out to ruin the other; something that I had failed to ponder so much before giving birth to two brothers.

I recently picked up a magazine and read an excerpt from a book about brothers. There were many interesting connections, observations and theories regarding brothers and their birth order in this article, but what struck me was the conclusion that brothers are not necessarily alike, despite similar DNA and their shared parents and experiences don't mean much; it's more about their personalities, birth order and one's perception of a shared experience, which is often quite different from that of his brother.

I saw a headline that said something to the effect of "Two Brothers become dads within minutes of one another just a few doors apart at the same hospital." The article said the brothers were best friends; they saw each other quite frequently; lived near each other and were thrilled to add this experience to a list of many others.

Then, just this past week, I read something about the Boston terrorists; the brothers. And this article outlined the number of terrorists in recent and past history that were brothers; apparently, a shared closeness, such as that of a brother, can aid in shutting out the rest of the world and help them to believe their own flawed perceptions are true and right.

Of course, those shared experiences and likenesses and differences can also create amazing, beautiful, imaginative, innovative industry, ideas, art, etc. Think of the Wright Brothers, the Coen Brothers, the Marx brothers, the Gershwin Brothers, the Rockefeller Brothers, etc.

The Scoop

Perhaps, one day people will add the Berend Brothers to such a list for a great achievement in something. Or perhaps they will grow up, split up and take up very different lives, barely seeing each other during their adulthoods.

I see their similarities and the differences. I see how they comfort each other and rile each other. I see how they take up for each other and guide each other and encourage each other through difficult tasks or feelings. I see how they taunt and compete and physically strike out at each other.

I see all these things. And I think about my two sweet, stubborn, creative, boisterous, tough, sensitive boys sound asleep tangled up together in the lower bunk and I wonder will they be close and protective and loving when they are adults; will they always need each other; will they never plot to do evil; will they always understand each other?

This mother's heart prays for a loving, peaceful, steadfast relationship for these Brothers; a relationship that does no harm to each other or their families or to strangers, but one that produces only beautiful and inspiring and inventive outcomes, whatever they may be.

Brothers; there is no other relationship quite like it. Over and out....

Anna

*Coincidentally, we have a shortage of sisters in our household.... we don't have a daughter; I have a brother, but no sisters; my dear husband has only 2 brothers; no sisters.

5 Things You Should Know {Current Events}

I have been strapped to my computer for weeks now working on my projects for which I get paid; and every once in a while I would reward myself with surfing Facebook or news sites for stories to read. I bookmarked quite a few for future posts, but I thought I'd share a few that make me think, shake my head or put a smile on my face.

Here are 5 such headlines:

1. This one got to me because I can see myself in these parents' shoes. I tried to think what should they have done differently? What would I have done differently? But I think what they did was reasonable and something I could have done myself: Captain Diverted Plane because Parents Make Complaint about In-flight Movie.
2. Although I'm not personally touched by autism, I am fascinated by the research and treatment regarding autism. This is an important piece of legislation to watch if you are in Georgia or any of the other 17 states that don't provide that insurance must cover treatment for autism. Plus the treatments described in this article are encouraging and the stories uplifting: Mothers Fight to Pass Ava's Law for Autism Coverage.
3. I'm OK with this trend. I'm not a fan of tobacco. It stinks; it's unhealthy; and I'm sorry if that is offensive to you, but this is my opinion, and I wouldn't hire someone who smelled like cigarettes if put in such a position: Smoking Harmful to Your Employment.
4. I love A Farmgirl's Dabbles. Brenda's recipes and photos are amazing. I always pause and click when I see Brenda post a recipe link on Facebook. And when I came across this recipe. Ohhhhhh, my mouth watered... I may have even drooled a bit. I will be making this: Sweet-and-Salty Honey- Cheese Spread!
5. Lastly, I found this article interesting considering how often I see these henna tattoo vendors at local fairs and festivals and other events. This temporary body art can be quite beautiful and the lines are usually long and full of children. But beware and think twice before you or your child gets in this line: Temporary Black Henna Tattoos Could Leave Permanent Scarring.

Have a wonderful weekend! Over and out...

Anna

Nanny Files {A Public Advert}

We're looking for a part-time nanny to start ASAP! We have failed to find a good fit since our beloved Katrina left the country to teach school! So, I thought long and hard, and this is what I came up with. Here's my description of the perfect {or nearly so} candidate for this position in our home:

Please don't apply unless you fit the following points:

1. MOST IMPORTANT! Must adore – and I stress ADORE – dogs, cats and boys!!
2. In college with 2 afternoons available (give or take a bit, noon to 5) and some evenings on the rather rare occasion that the Dear Husband and I get to have a date night;
3. Should be kinder and more patient than I am;
4. Enjoy playing at the park or in the yard, weather permitting;
5. Know the difference between Captain America and Captain Rex;
6. Enjoy sports;
7. Understand boys and the rough parts and tender parts;
8. Understand me and get along with me, the mom {not difficult at all if you are the right one for this job};
9. Realize that chaos and order can both reside simultaneously in one small home;
10. Not freak out about a little {or a lot} of Saint Bernard slime on your clothes; it happens...frequently. Relax, we have towels;
11. Really and truly like our family;
12. Have a sense of humor and a sharp wit and a knack for sarcasm;
13. Understand the 5 food groups and preparing a balanced meal/snack;
14. Have a vehicle of your own!
15. NOT text/talk/use for any purpose your phone while operating a vehicle – or at least be willing to adhere to this strict rule when any member of my family is in the vehicle or within viewing distance of you;
16. Understand the importance of picking up....toys, crumbs, crayons, bits of paper, dishes, etc;
17. NOT smoke;
18. Not show up earlier than your scheduled start time.

Am I asking too much? Is this list much too Mary Poppinsish? Perhaps, but maybe, just maybe there's another Katrina out there for our family!

If this sounds like you, then we just might be the family for you! Please email me (acberend@gmail.com) ASAP for more information about this position! I look forward to chatting with you!

Dear local readers, if you know of anyone who fits this description, please do forward this to that person!

Thanks,

Anna

Motherly Advice {Celebrating Imperfection this Easter}

Pinterest Perfect

Yesterday the boys and I worked for hours on our Easter eggs. We created intricately stenciled eggs, using henna and handmade stencils; we worked to make delicate blown eggs that looked like the 12 disciples; and made our own dye from vegetables. It was such great family togetherness. We laughed, sang old gospels and helped each other. No one spilled the homemade, organic dye and the boys helped me to clean up at the end. And, of course, I captured it all on my camera to post later so that you'd all be jealous of our perfect day.

Yeah, right. Not in a million years would this ever happen in our household.

And I'll tell you what else, if someone describes a scene like this on Facebook or in a blog post or on Pinterest, I'd be apt to disbelieve that it went down that way.

Perfect Reality

This is more like it for our family, as we have yet to dye our eggs, and most likely this won't happen until Saturday evening, probably just before bedtime.

We will use the tablets of dye that come in the cheap dye kits that are full of all sorts of artificial colors. Half of the colors won't dissolve properly and a third of the brightly colored liquid will splash out on arms, clothes, the table, the rug, the dog, and the inquisitive kitten before a single egg gets dunked.

The kids will mix colors, plunking their eggs into several of the cups and bowls of color, if not all of them, ending up with bunch of grayish, purplish eggs. Our fingers will be stained to this same hue after ditching the flimsy metal "egg holder" that is about as useful as chopsticks would be in this instance.

Once the eggs are colored the boys will put stickers on their eggs; probably a mix of super heroes, Angry Birds and a variety of holidays, mostly Christmas.

Along the way, several eggs will get cracked. This, of course, will necessitate the eating of those broken eggs.

The boys will probably argue about the number of eggs, the colors of eggs, the stickers used, etc at some point. I will get frustrated with the mess and/or the arguing. More than likely, I will threaten to halt the egg decorating if the arguing doesn't stop. They'll stop fighting. And I'll be glad when it's all over.

In the end, we'll have two sets of grayish, stickered, slightly dented and cracked eggs to put in their soccer ball patterned Easter baskets filled with paper grass.

Somebody get the camera, this might be Pinterest worthy!

The Scoop

May your Easter be an imperfect and glorious celebration of love, life and redemption. Over and out...

Anna

 

5 Things You Should Know {New Parent To-Do-ASAP List}

Parents new to the gig can be overwhelmed by the new schedules, new equipment, new roles, etc. Basically, it's like having your world flipped upside down and learning to live on the ceiling. Fortunately, all the newness quickly wears off and mercifully you can't remember what life was before when you merely tread on the floor, rather than the ceiling.

Well, I've got a few more items to add to your to-do lists, along with putting together the bouncy seat, adding baby to your insurance, getting a Social Security number and birth certificate and sending out the birth announcements.

Here are 5 things that new parents (or parents of any age kids if you haven't done these things) should do ASAP:

1. Stop talking/texting/using phone while driving. DO IT NOW! {You'll thank me when you have teen who doesn't text because of your good example...well, honestly, you'll thank me for many reasons, but that's a big one} #PhoneDownEyesUp
2. Make a Last Will & Testament {or update it if you already have one} and be sure all other estate planning documents are in order, considering you have a child(ren) now {Talk to an attorney};
3. Find a reliable babysitter; someone you pay; someone other than a family member {There are services to help you find one. I use www.sittercity.com};
4. Check {with a professional} to be sure that the car seat is installed properly and learn how to do it yourself.
5. Install CO detectors and smoke alarms, check for Radon, especially if in MN or other Radon hotspots, and be sure your hot water heater is set at a safe temperature {Mayo Clinic says safe is below 120 degrees Fahrenheit.}.

This is a manageable list, no? The biggest, most expensive, most time-consuming point on the list is the Will, but it really is something that should be tackled, but maybe after those crazy postpartum hormones settle down a bit. #1 can be done starting this very minute. PLEASE do not use your phone while you are behind the wheel, especially with your wee one on board. Over and out...

Anna

Taking Responsibility {Who’s to Blame in Steubenville?}

Parents' Responsibilities

It is my opinion that each of us has control over our actions and how we conduct ourselves and the situations we put ourselves in and the people we associate with. As parents, it's our responsibility to teach this to our children, both boys and girls.

It is also my opinion that there will always be evil; there will always be someone ready to take advantage of whom and what he or she can. As parents, it's our responsibility to teach our children to be watchful for this evil, both boys and girls.

And it is my opinion that with proper attention, love, discipline, responsibility and instruction kids will not act in ruthless, savage and criminal ways. But we as parents must be giving this attention, love, discipline, responsibility and instruction to the kids of the world, both boys and girls.

"Steubenville Boys"

From what I can tell, a number of high school football players from Steubenville, OH, ran around doing exactly what they pleased at all times of day and night and not taking responsibility for any of their actions; in other words, they were hoodlums, hooligans, ne'er-do-wells, thugs, losers, except for perhaps on the football field.

One night their partying turned into a terrible crime against another person, a teen-aged girl. She was incapacitated by alcohol after drinking heavily at a party. Her friends knew she was quite drunk; so drunk she couldn't walk; in fact, she passed out. And her friends still let her leave the party with several of the teen aged boys.

These boys assaulted her, took demeaning photos and videos of her naked body while she was unconscious, posting these along with crude comments on social media sites. Clearly, they were unconcerned with whether what they were doing was wrong, much less criminal.

They were found guilty this past week. And there has been a flood of articles and opinions on this issue.

Placing Blame

So, who's to blame for this situation? Are the boys at blame? Absolutely! 100% yes! Are the girl's friends to blame? I think so. I've been in that situation in the long-ago past of my late teen and early 20s self. I did take the stance that it was my responsibility as a friend, as a female, to stop an overly drunk friend, or even mere acquaintance, from doing something that she would regret or would make her look like a fool. Was the girl to blame? Yes, in that she was drinking and kept drinking until she was incapacitated to the point that she couldn't walk or make responsible decisions regarding her health and safety.

I know there are many who will gasp at this, but let me be clear, there is nothing excusable about how these boys acted. In my opinion, they are getting off easy, because of their ages, spending only 4 to 5 years in a juvenile facility. Their superior, puffed-up attitudes thinking they could do anything they wanted and get away with it makes me raging mad. They are the worse kind of criminal; callous, uncaring, without any morals.

And yet, as a woman, I feel that this girl had a responsibility to herself to remain in control of her faculties and able to make decisions that kept her in a safe place among friends. Females are not always victims without any power over a situation. And in this situation, she could have had control of what was happening to here and where she went and with whom she left the party.

I also think that we, as a society, as parents, are also to blame. We have let down these out-of-control kids. It's our responsibility to mold and teach and reward and discipline them as they grow and mature.

The Scoop

These kids weren't born like this; they grew into these attitudes and failed to develop any morals, responsibility or conscience. Kids who aren't guided to the right path and supported along the way, taught by example and loved beyond measure won't magically grow into model citizens. Left to their own devices, many will rot at the stump and end up just like these kids.

It is my hope that this young girl can recover from the humiliation and mental anguish she has had to suffer throughout this ordeal. Clearly, she's no weakling having come forward and reported this crime to the police; having testified in court; and having endured the videos, texts and photos shared online and seen by friends, schoolmates and so many more now. My hope for her is that she will never again make the mistake to drink too much that she loses control of her faculties, that she finds new, more supportive friends to hang out with and that she can heal and move on from this experience.

In the end, we must each take responsibility for ourselves, take care of each other, whether friends or strangers, and teach our children well to be respectful, loving, honorable, decent, responsible beings. Over and out...

Anna

5 Things You Should Know {New Moms}

My friend just had her first baby this past week after a long and grueling labor. It made think back to that time in my life. While it was just six and half years ago that I first became a mom and then just four and half years ago that I added baby #2, it seems like ages ago.

Even still, I can recall those raw nerves and the exhaustion of waiting and laboring and waiting and laboring....motherhood so close and yet still eluding me.

But once my little bundle of joy finally popped out into this world my fierce sense of protection, my devotion and motherly intuition were immediately melded into my core. I didn't doubt myself or my husband and our abilities and instincts to care for our new child.

I loved my babies' infancies. There was time to just sit and stare at each other; time for me to memorize every contour of their little bodies, every expression, every movement, every sound. It's a time to embrace the here and now and just wallow in every single moment. It's such an amazing, but short period of time.

Here are the 5 {OK...6} things I would pass along to new moms:

1. Trust your instinct! You know more about your child than the nurse, the doctor, your mom, your friend, your neighbor or the stranger who feels compelled to comment.
2. It's OK, and matters not if it sounds rude, to tell strangers, "Please don't touch!" Why do people come up and touch newborns!?
3. Give yourself a break when you are ready! No guilt trip allowed! Daddy and baby need that time alone too.
4. Find a Mommy & Baby group ASAP! I'm so glad a friend steered me toward the ECFE programs here in MN! Early mommyhood would have been a very different and isolating experience without these fellow moms.
5. By baby #2 early infancy will seem like a breeze and you will wonder why the heck you thought this period was so hard the first time around.
6. OK, I have one more... Accept from the git-go that you will make mistakes. Everyone does. You don't have to be perfect. But you do have to remember this: Put your baby down and walk away if you feel that you are about to erupt!

Now, relax, enjoy and stare at your baby for hours! This time is fleeting and before you know it they are walking, talking, going off to school and growing up. And those things are awesome too. So, try to live in the moment as much as possible. You will cherish the small, insignificant moments that get tucked away in your memory box. Over and out...

Anna

Parenting Challenge: Selfish Kids {During the Season of Giving}

If you are looking for tips on raising selfish, egotistical, sassy, disrespectful kids, look no further. Apparently, I'm pretty good at parenting in a way that produces these results.

Lately, our household has been stuck in a bad place. I don't enjoy being around my kids; they don't seem to enjoy being around me or their father or each other either; they don't listen; they bicker; they argue; they are primarily concerned with their own needs above all others at all times; they love "bathroom" words and find bodily functions the funniest thing ever; they love each other one minute and hate each other the next; when I'm serious they're cutting up, a united front against me; when I'm trying to have fun or do something special as a family they're moody, crabby and can't stand each other; they yell, slam doors and cross their arms in defiance.

It's frustrating; I'm exasperated and exhausted; it's making me crazy and sad and disappointed. And these things make me a poor mother.

Let's just say that I will certainly not be winning any parenting awards any time soon...or ever for that matter. Awards I couldn't care less about; a happy, healthy, joyous, prayerful, giving, compassionate, loving family is what I strive for.

I'm not one to read parenting books; I shoot from the hip and jump in with two feet. So, yes, I guess this is what I get. And when you combine my genes with that of Dear Husband Will you don't get quiet, lay down and take it, go with the flow kind of kids; you get impassioned, loud, talking back, arguing, moody, brooding, stubborn as a goat kids; and that's exactly what we are working with.

While I know these traits can be desirable as adults {and even as a child}, they are also extremely hard to work with on a daily basis, as the parent entrusted with raising "good people.". While I love my kids and will defend them to my death, I do not like my kids right now.

They are sucking me dry of patience; leaving me incapable of delivering mature, levelheaded parental edicts; rendering me speechless with hands raised in submission in one minute and ranting, issuing parental threats and seeing red the next.

I find that parenting is always hardest for me in the deep, dark, dead winter months when we are closed in and seeing less sunlight, which also coincides with Darling 1's half-year mark and is closing in on the half-year point for Darling 2, as well, which is always a more volatile time of year; none of which is a comfort to me.

However, when I did seek out what the professionals say about 4 to 4.5 year olds and 6 .5 to 7 year olds and these difficult periods of life when they are a challenge, to put it politely, that was consoling. I even found some tactics I could employ when dealing with my impish offspring.

Now, my greatest challenge of this dark, cold season is upon me; winter break! I'm looking at 3 weeks of kiddos without school; 1 week with the 4 year-old and 2 weeks with the 4 year-old and the 6 year-old.

So, I am trying to approach this with an open heart and a kind and gentle tongue and lots of planned activities out of the house. And maybe by January, I'll like my kids again. Over and out...

Anna

Tradition, tradition! Tradition! The Importance of Rituals

Don't Belittle Traditions

The other day I was chatting with a preschool teacher about one of our family holiday traditions, and I mentioned that I might change part of the tradition until the boys were older because that part was not as enjoyable for me at their ages. And she said to me, "Well, aren't traditions really for us, not the kids?"

I laughed and said I agreed, but I kept thinking about that statement. And I don't agree.

Traditions are important to the kids too. It may mean something different to a 4 year-old than it does to me, but doing an activity or attending an event or going on a trip every year is important to all members of a family.

If we ever miss one of our traditional events or consider altering it a bit, the kids keep us in check. It's the kids who say, but it's our tradition to.....

In fact, it was Darling 1 who reminded us on Tuesday night that it's "our tradition" to get gingerbread cookies after going through the Macy's Santaland exhibit and getting the picture with Santa. Clearly, the cookie getting is an important part of the tradition for him.

Our Christmas Traditions

We have traditions we uphold throughout the year, but during this season, in which our family celebrates Christmas, we have quite a few traditional activities. Here are a few of them:

1. Macy's 8^th Floor Santaland
2. Holidazzle Parade
3. The Santa & Albert Holiday Play at Bachman's
4. Making Beeswax Candles at Woodlake Nature Center
5. Reindeer Day in Linden Hills
6. Candlelight and Ice New Year's Eve Celebration at Woodlake Nature Center
7. Putting up our Christmas Tree
8. Building a gingerbread house
9. Baking Christmas Cookies
10. Driving around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights while sipping hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music
11. New PJs on Christmas Eve

And a couple I'd like to add this year...

1. Holiday Lights in the Park at Lake Phalen and
2. Night Trains at Twin Cities Model Railroads Museum

And eventually, we'll add midnight mass, when the boys are older and can make it past 10 pm. This is one I'm really looking forward to.

Not just a Repeated Activity

What's in a tradition? Why are these rituals so important to us? They're memories to call upon, stories to tell; they shape our childhoods and perhaps the childhoods of our children; they comfort us; make us laugh and cry and feel close to friends and family, even when those people can't be near us or we aren't able to experience a closely held tradition due to circumstances that can't be helped. Our traditions are a part of us.

It matters not what season it is, traditions abound; whether it's a personal tradition, a family tradition; traditional activities with a group of friends or co-workers or even a local, state or national tradition; traditions are everywhere. And yet, it's this holiday season that seems to bring out the most personal, memorable traditions.

The Scoop

It can be as simple or as complicated as putting up a Christmas tree. Is your tradition to have a real tree or an artificial tree? If it's real, do you cut it down yourself? Is it potted? If so, do you re-plant it? Do you always get a fir or pine or a short one or a fat one? These things may not be significant to you....unless it's part of your tradition.

So, while it may not feel important to all members of the family at this point in time, the traditions you create in your family ARE important. I bake cookies every year, just like my mom always did; we have stockings on Christmas morning, just like Will and I always did as kids; and we always have a big, fat real tree.

What are your family's traditions? Over and out...

Anna