Motherly Law

A List: Boys at Play {Sounds}

Do you ever listen to your kids playing? I mean when they're completely immersed in another world and totally in character; when they aren't arguing with each other or trying to get attention from mom or dad and just creatively and joyfully playing?

Well, sometimes I stop what I'm doing and sit listening to their sounds. Boys make such interesting sounds. Whether playing Cars or super heroes, special agent super spies, pirates or a combination of all of these there is no shortage of screeching motors, explosions, shooting, crashing and bashing. Perhaps girls do this too, but there was no need for those kinds of sounds as I played with Barbies and dolls {I admit I was a total girlie girl} and that's the extent of my knowledge of girls; my own experience.

Last night I took the time to record the sounds in this list, as best I could through letters instead of actual sounds, as the boys played out sequences of Cars 2, both from the movie and of their own creations.

They were oblivious to my eavesdropping as they fired off various sounds and dialogue back and forth between their legions of Cars {We have quite a collection of little Pixar Cars}. Their talent in making such interesting and complex sounds amazes me {many I could not adequately capture with letters; I hope you can translate these and use your imagination}.

• Da da da, da da da {the background music to their play – they always add music to their play}
• Hiyah!
• Grrrr
• Pow!
• Boom!
• Aaaaahhhhh
• Pee yow yow, peyow peyow!
• PShoo, Pshoo
• Mrrrrrrrr
• Rerererere
• Sputter
• Bam!
• Neenenenenene
• Crash!
• Bang!
• Kablooey!
• Pshhhhhhhhhh
• Rrrrrrrmmmmmmm
• Wwawwawwa
• SHhhhhh Bing!

Aren't kids interesting? I wonder if they'll retain these sound making skills as they grow and mature. Or do they lose this skill as they leave their little boy toys and games behind for big boy toys and games? I hope they always recall these happy sounds of play; I know I will. Over and out...

Anna

Motherly Advice: Speaking the Language {& Color} of Love

I love you as much as I love Green.

~Darling 1 to me, his Mommy

This might not sound like much to you, but you don't know how much this kid loves the color Green. He told me this the night before I left to go to Texas for a week. I knew what he was telling me. It melted my heart.

I have never been one to have a favorite color. For me, it all depends on what we're talking about. I have favorite color for clothes; a favorite lipstick color; favorite color schemes in rooms, etc. But I do not have a favorite end-all, always gonna pick it color.

For as long as Darling 1 could differentiate between colors, he has been choosing Green. Varying shades of Green are fine, but a true, bright Green is his favorite. Regardless of whether picking a coat, a sucker, or a crayon, I know which color he'll want. It's actually kind of nice; something predictable about a very unpredictable kid.

Then, last night Will and I were watching Green Lantern {the movie} and Hal Jordan, new to Planet OA, asked his fellow Green Lantern guide, "What's with all the Green?" And his guide, said "Green is the color of will." Will is what gives them their strength.

Now, I know that this is just a movie {even though in our house the world of Super Heroes sure seems like real life}, but suddenly Darling 1's choice of color all made sense. Darling 1 is full of will; his strong will is the source of his mental power.

Darling 1 refuses to take No for an answer. He negotiates; he makes good, strong arguments; he won't give up. He is undeterred by authority. He has the power of words on his side. His resourcefulness is unending.

While these traits are frustrating and challenging from a parent's point of view, I am so proud of his determined, willful nature. I know this innate stubborn will will serve him well as he grows, faces challenges of his own and searches for the answers in life.

Darling 2 has chosen his favorite color now. He says it's Green, as well. Little Brothers often follow in the tracks of Big Brothers, but I can confirm that Darling 2 certainly has the same level of sheer will power as Darling 1, if not more; and he's working on developing his persuasive arguments too.

I think I've got two strong Green Lanterns on my hands; and their strength, will, resourcefulness and love will only grow with time. It's my job to make sure their wills are not crushed, broken or twisted along the way.

I stand as a Guardian to these two Lanterns {to make another Green Lantern reference}, helping shape them and challenging them to push limits and grow. So, when Darling 1 tells me he loves me as much as Green, I'll take that and cherish it! Over and out...

Anna

Standing Still While Time Passes in a Blur: Laws of Time & People

On my recent trip to Texas I have come up with a few "laws" concerning the passage of time and its effect on people. As I've mentioned in the past, Texas is my homeland; where my people reside. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to visit with family, both young and old, by blood and by marriage, as well as see friends from college; even more importantly, my sorority sisters.

I have known these people at most for my entire life and least for several decades. I am not a stranger to them and they are certainly not unfamiliar to me. These are people I have shared my life with, the good times and bad times. There have been many laughs and just as many tears. These are some of the most important people in my life.

As time marches on, much seems to stand still. We all move along the continuum of time entering new phases of life as we leave other stages behind, and yet some things just never change. Here are the observations I've made on the "Laws of People and Time":

1. People don't really change; time softens the hard edges or chisels deep, sharp chasms into the soul; and sometimes life does both at various times;
2. Even though time, life {and kids} have long since ravaged our young, svelte, wrinkle free bodies, we still look the same to each other;
3. Those close knit friendships forged during those formative college years are friends for life;
4. No matter how old you are, you are always your mom's child;
5. Old wounds can be as raw as when the dagger first struck if flooded with old memories;
6. Family ties don't have to be broken by divorce;
7. We are products of our roots, surroundings and experiences;
8. Our love for such friends and family is not diminished by time, distance or circumstances, but remains for a lifetime.

We can't stop time from ticking away second by second, minute by minute, day by day, or year by year, but that's alright because there are some things that time can't take away or ever change. These things simply define who we are, strive to be or have overcome.

Clearly, I'm still feeling nostalgic after my trip to Texas. Over and out...

Anna

Making Ends Meet; Moms Turning to Phone Sex Industry {On a Soapbox}

Have you ever had to choose between paying the mortgage and buying groceries? Have you ever had to swallow your pride whole and ask family for financial help? Have you ever looked at the amount in your bank account and prayed that nothing went through until you had a check or known that you were at the bottom of the barrel and if even one unplanned and unforeseen expense came up, you were done for? Have you ever tasted the bitterness of desperation?

If you have, then you know what this dark, swirling vortex feels like when it begins to pull you under? If you haven't, then say a prayer of thankfulness.

In this economy, there is a lot of need; a number of people without jobs or in a low paying job; without resources; losing ground every day. These are people like you and me; they are not lazy, good-for-nothing bums looking for a handout. I'm talking about hard working, educated people; young graduates, parents of young kids, those nearing the years that were supposed to be golden; all ages; all demographics.

I recently came across an astounding statistic that I think is quite telling of the economic state of our country. Good Morning America reported in December 2011, "The number of mothers pursuing sex work has increased by 400 percent over the past 18 months alone, according to Rat Race Rebellion, an organization that specializes in finding jobs for mothers who need to work from home."

A surge of 400 percent is a big deal. Thousands of moms are now working as phone sex operators because the pay is good, ranging between $10 to $50 per hour or much more, the hours are flexible, they can work from home and it's legal. While the phone sex industry has benefitted the most from this demographic, strip clubs and other adult entertainment industries have reported a surge in the number of applications received from women.

Place judgment and blame where you will, but unless you've experienced absolute desperation, not knowing how you're going to support your family, pay bills and keep a roof over your head, don't judge these women. A mom's primary goal is to survive in order take care of her family; this is a survival mechanism. This work, just like any other job, ensures that there are meals on the table, beds to sleep in and clothes on their backs.

Many say that if they could afford to walk away from this work they would, but they simply cannot. When politicians and religious leaders speak of family values, I doubt this is what they have in mind, but these are parents who are doing whatever it takes to keep their family together. To me, that's what family values are about; loving each other and working to make it work; beating the odds; making it to the other side without drowning. Over and out...

Anna

Expensive Plastic: Tips for Recycling Car Seats {Not Buying/Selling Used}

Finding the One

It took me a while to get it right when it came to car seats for my Darlings. In the last 5.5 years we have had 7 car seats/boosters between our 2 children. I resisted spending the money on a Britax in the beginning. I shouldn't have because in the end I spent more money buying multiple car seats before relinquishing and buying the Britax (s) that I loved.

I learned my lesson. When it comes to car seats and shoes, I should just spend the money and I won't regret it {I'd love to buy my kids cheap shoes, but they both have extra wide feet that just don't fit in cheap shoes}.

But before I learned my lesson I dabbled in less expensive, less cooperative, less comfortable, less ease on the part of the mommy car seats. So, this meant in the end I had more car seats to get rid of too.

Don't Buy/Sell Used

Now, car seats should never be re-used, unless it was first used by your own older child or a close relative or friend and you know exactly what conditions it has had to withstand, how it has been used, whether it was in any kind of accident and how long it has been used. One should not shop for car seats on ebay or craigslist or other online ads site for used items.

You simply can't know the conditions the car seat endured prior to you acquiring the used car seat. Even if it looks like it's in perfect condition, it could have been in a car that was involved in an accident and be damaged or weakened in a way that you can't readily see.

Additionally, car seats should not be used longer than 5 years from the date manufactured, which can be found stamped onto the car seat. After 5 years, the plastic and belts may begin to break down due to extreme temperatures in vehicles, repeated use, etc.

Therefore, a car seat is something that you should neither buy used nor sell used. It's just not wise for either party to do so. There are other baby items that are fine to buy used, but not car seats. Your child is much too precious cargo to gamble with his or her safety while riding in the car.

Disposing of Car Seats

So, how should you dispose of the old or outgrown car seats? A family will at the least likely have an infant seat and an additional base, a rear facing/forward facing child seat or two and a booster seat or two, depending on the number of cars in the family, the number and spacing of children in the family and the family's commute schedule.

When I went to the fire station to have Darling 1's infant seat tested to ensure we had it securely placed and fastened, I distinctly remember the fireman telling me to cut the straps before I put the car seat out with the trash when we were finished using it. And this is what we have done when disposing of the first few.

However, I recently read an article in Parents on recycling car seats. No, I don't mean for you to make a planter out of the seat, although my Darling Boys have been using our old Britax car seats for rocket blaster seats for a while now. What I mean is that there are a number of states with locations, agencies and organizations that will take the seats and recycle the plastic.

Parents magazine mentions a website that actually doesn't list this information, but I found a "list" of sorts that does list recycling information for a number of states. The list is actually a forum of parents weighing in from various cities and states with their area's information, but the information is good and the best, most comprehensive information I could find listed in one place. You can also check with your waste disposal company or city and/or state government offices to find out if your area recycles car seats.

The Scoop

However, again, it's important to remember that if you do put your old car seat/booster seat out on your curb or in your dumpster {in the garbage or to be recycled}, you should cut the straps and/or remove the padding. This will prevent someone from picking it up for their own use. Do this especially if the car seat has been damaged in some way, whether in a car accident or otherwise.

You don't want someone else's child to be injured after using your used car seat. While this is a long shot, there could be liability issues, and unless you are an expert, you may not realize that your seat is too old or is damaged. Over and out...

Anna

The List: The Fickle World of Toys

Toys that Seemed Like a Good Idea {But Weren't}

1. Moon Sand. Contrary to the description on the package; this is basically colored sand and nothing like clay or play-doh; I don't need colored sand in my house.
2. Card Games. For some children of certain ages, this is probably a great idea, but for two active, young boys, a card game simply ends in a mess of cards scattered all over the table and floor and 4 disgruntled participants.
3. Anything not made of the strongest materials on the market. IT WILL break within 24 hours if bought at the dollar store, in the dollar area or just generally cheaply made.
4. Kid Camera. For the price, you might as well just buy a cheap real digital camera that will actually work.
5. Toy Laptop. They use it to pretend sometimes, but it has never taken the place of one of our real laptops or smartphones.

Toys I Wasn't Sure Were a Good Idea {But Were}

1. Any and Every Costume. They love to get dressed up and play. While I have never paid much for Halloween costumes, we definitely get our money's worth and more from them.
2. Large Cardboard Bricks. At first I thought they were a mistake, but with time the bricks have been used to build structures for the Cars vehicles and Toy Story characters, walls for their "Café" that includes their play kitchen and obstacles to be knocked down.
3. Anything from the Imaginext Line. These toys are large, but inspire creative play. The space shuttle and launch pad, bat cave and airplane carrier and more have been involved in many missions, involving super heroes, cars, animals and more; and what's more, they're sturdy.

Toys that Have Stood the Test of Time

1. Stuffed Animals. Whether being cuddled or caught or re-enacting a Disney movie, the boys' giant pile of stuffed animals remains.
2. Books. A favorite book is a favorite book, no matter how much time has passed.
3. Sports Equipment. Balls, bats, racquets and more have been played with from the time that Darling 1 was a tiny tot and continue to get lots of action.
4. Any kind of connecting blocks. Legos and Duplo Mega Blocks have always been a favorite too. And as the boys grow, they grow into the smaller and more complicated Legos, but still use and incorporate the larger pieces too.

Most toys come {and break} and go, but a few stick around. My mother-in-law still has a number of toys from when her 30 something boys were youngsters that her grandkids now enjoy just as much. Choosing which toys will stand the test of time and be worth your hard earned money is much harder than it appears.

Which toys have stood the test of time in your home? Over and out...

Anna

Motherly Advice {An Investment in Trust}

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him and to let him know that you trust him.

~Booker T. Washington

As a parent, you have to know when to push, or at least gently nudge, and when to stand back and let your child make decisions for him or herself and trust those decisions. Some kids are easy going, outgoing and jump right into new activities, groups, etc. Other kids are observant, slow to join or participate, apprehensive, yet curious and attentive.

The latter type can't be forced, cajoled or bribed into doing something or going somewhere he or she doesn't want to do and go. I know this from experience. I am one of these people...and I gave birth to two people of this nature.

The trick is to be patient and know that when the time is right, your child will join in; will do whatever it is you want him or her to do; will follow along or even lead the way. The more you push and pull this person towards the rejected idea, the apprehensive child will shut down and the struggle will take much longer than if you, the parent, had quietly stood alongside your observing child waiting for him or her to make the decision. Again, I know this from experience.

In the last week of school prior to the winter break, Darling 1's school had a Polar Express Day. The kids were going to watch the movie Polar Express. The kids could also wear pajamas to school. It was supposed to be a fun day. It wasn't for my kid.

In the weeks leading up to Polar Express Day, Darling 1 expressed anxiety about the movie he had not seen; he was concerned about wearing pajamas to school; he was really stressed out about the whole idea of the day. I offered to get the movie for him to watch before that day. He told him we could go pick out new pajamas for him to wear. I told him it would be alright.

But he didn't budge on any of his worries. I knew his anxieties were real to him. I knew it was supposed to be fun for the students; a reward at the end of the semester. I knew it wouldn't be fun for my son.

So, I told my son, who had not missed a single day of school from September to December, he didn't have to go to school that day. If he chose, he could stay home. I gave him the power to choose.

He chose to miss that day. I let his teacher know that he was not sick and explained his concerns and his decision. And thankfully, she supported us in this.

I want my son to know he can trust us when it comes to his feelings and thoughts. I want him to know we trust him to recognize his limits and make decisions for himself. It's not just about this one day or one experience; it's about investing in his future; building his confidence and allowing him some power to control his actions and surroundings.

Sometimes there are reasons to gently nudge him toward an activity or opportunity; and we ask him, will you regret this if you miss this chance? He's in touch with his feelings enough to know the answer to this question.

Polar Express Day was not one of these times. There was no reason to cause added stress; there was no reason he had to go to school that day.

Say what you will, but I know that we made the right decision to allow our son to make the choice for himself that day. Over and out...

Anna

House Rules: Dropping the F-Bomb {On a Soapbox}

Dirty Words

Each household has its own version of "Seven Dirty Words." Often words like "shut up" or "poopy head" or "stupid" or "fart" are on this list. Of course, there's the R rated adult versions too; you know the words I'm talking about. I don't think I have to outline George Carlin's list of words you can never say on TV {or in this case, in front of your child}.

This week's episode of Modern Family that aired on Wednesday drew much fire before it aired because it was to have a toddler saying her first expletive. "Lily" is actually saying "fudge." The word was to be bleeped out and her mouth obscured by pixilation during that portion of the episode.

A Parenting Thing

An 18 year old college student who began the "No Cussing Club" in 2007 was asking ABC to pull this episode due to the F word issue. ABC had no comment, but the creator and executive producer of the sitcom told the Television Critics Association that he was "proud and excited" about this plotline. He added that the show is not sexually charged; instead this is a very natural story since most parents have been through this scenario.

I agree. Who among us hasn't experienced an awkward situation when the 2 year old says a naughty word {over and over} while in public or an older child, trying to assert his or her power tries on an adult size naughty word in front of grandma, having overheard it from mom, dad, the babysitter, the TV, older cousins, from classmates, etc. OK, we both know that more than likely the offending source was one of the parents. But, sometimes it's not me {for the record}.

I know I've certainly been there when the toddler won't heed your glares and silent threats to stop the shouts of "poopy head" as you careen up and down the aisles of Target trying to keep your head low and get in and out when nothing works to quell the 2 or 3 year-old's loud outbursts. {And FYI, I don't say poopy head...that one seems to have come from the preschool set.}

Naughty Words

Whether you're one to drop the so-called f-bomb or substitute fiddlesticks or fudgesicles or shitake {mushrooms}, fashizzle or some other word, you still mean the same thing and it carries the same impetus. You're kids aren't dumb; they know what you mean. And in my opinion, it's the same thing, regardless of the word you use. {But that is actually an entirely different argument than the one I mean to make here.}

The point here is that this is a "parent thing"; something the 18 year-old "King of the No Cussing Club" wouldn't know anything about. In fact, if anything, parenthood has actually increased my inclination to use words from Carlin's Dirty Word List; well, parenting and golfing.

Kids will repeat the naughty words you use; no matter what you classify as a "bad word." This is a lesson that you and your child will have to learn; probably many times over through the years. This is an area we've already visited...several times.

The Scoop

Friends, no need to comment about my {sometimes public} lessons I've learned on this topic.... Oh, and Your Royal Highness of No Cussing, all you did was get more people to watch this episode. I don't normally watch Modern Family or any TV for that matter, but you have now drawn attention to this particular episode and the sitcom altogether. In the name of class, I'm resisting the urge to include an expletive laced witty title, but I've got some good ones. Over and out....

Anna

Motherly Advice {Tyrannical Threes}

Three year-olds are tyrants. Five year-olds are tyrants only some of the time.

~My 5 year-old {in reference to his 3 year-old brother and himself}

We are in the middle of 3 year-old hell right now. As we enter this fiery, volatile, extremely dangerous stage of childhood, I keep getting flashbacks of when my 5 year-old was that age. And what I have realized is that means that I had forgotten these explosive episodes from two years ago. This is good news.

The mind is a merciful organ. As time and development stages march forward, we move on and these difficult parts of life fade away in distant memory, giving way to present pressing matters. This feature of our brains allows for softer, rose-colored memories of our children by the time they are adults. Said feature causes parents to say their grown children who then have tyrannical 3 year-olds, "Why, I don't recall you ever acting like this."

Some people are fond of saying that we, as parents, should enjoy every moment. After all, "they won't always be this age." And my response to that is, "Thank God!" I am here to say that 5 is a much better age, the best age since 12 to 18 months old {in my limited opinion}. And I am ready for my sweet, silly, cuddly Darling 2 to return and send this screeching, growling, grimacing, fit-throwing demon packing.

In my saner, more patient, more sympathetic moments I can feel his angst and understand his frustrations. He's big enough and old enough to do a lot of things and know what he wants to have and do and what he doesn't want to have or do and where he wants to go or not go. And yet, he is still too young to make these decisions and actually do many of these things himself.

But, really, who among us wants to be held down and held back from what we want to do day in and day out? Being told "No" over and over is frustrating and painful. We are made to fight oppression and to survive adversity.

So, I suppose I should be proud and relieved that my boys have this inner fire, determined spirit and supreme moxie to meet every day head on. It will serve them well as life throws stumbling stones and roadblocks in the midst of the paths. Albeit this is not easy to remember during a full-out, at the top-of-the-lungs, festering meltdown, I must try to keep this short-lived stage in perspective. Until it is over, prayers are accepted. Over and out...

Anna

Let It Go: The Mom I Never Meant to Be {On a Soapbox}

Does Any of It Really Matter?

As my devoted readers know, I am careful and attentive and fierce in my parenting ideals. This is not to say that I am perfect. I am not; not even by a long shot. But I am deliberate and constantly doing research, reading articles and labels and warnings and studies, etc.

And yet, does any of it really matter? Does it matter whether my kids don't ever eat high fructose corn syrup in their foods or that I limit hot dog consumption to the once or twice a season trips to major league baseball games or that I didn't send them to day care, but had a part-time nanny for one-on-one fun or that I insist on good and properly fitting bike helmets or that I don't allow my kids alone in the front yard yet or that when they were babies I gave them almost %100 organic food and now as much as I can afford or that I limit screen time{DVDs , Netflix streaming} and held off completely as long as possible? {Yes, this is a run-on sentence – but it's really more like a stream of consciousness statement.}

I think of the kids I know who don't eat fresh fruits and veggies, consuming great quantities of processed crap with no nutritional value whatsoever and yet still function quite well in school and on the field. I see kids at my son's school and can't tell which ones had mom or dad or grandma home full-time compared to those who had nannies on a part-time or full-time basis or those who had full-time daycare from infancy. I see a group of kids all happily playing at the park, climbing and swinging and sliding, all healthy, fit, strong and agile with good large motor skills and it doesn't matter who was breastfed or who was formula fed as an infant.

Lowering Standards

As the years fly by, I know that my guard as a mom has come down; my "rules" are more relaxed; my ideals less stringent. Often I am the mom I never meant to be. I don't always respond in a loving, affective way. I am not always attentive; and some days are wasted days with lots of mindless cartoons. Sometimes we eat at McDonalds; sometimes I bribe with chocolate; and sometimes my kids go to bed after 9 pm. Some days I feel terrible for something I said or how I handled a situation; agonizing over it long after my kids have completely forgotten my little meltdown.

But other days I patiently and enthusiastically explain things in great depth; I spend hours looking up information on Google; I sit and read stacks of books with them; I play super heroes or Cars longer than I care to; I respond to requests, questions and demands in ways that would make the Mother of all Mothers proud; some days I do everything "right."

Does this make me a "good" mom or a "bad" mom? No, it just makes me a human mom.

The Important Stuff

I don't paint a rosy picture of the world. I tell my boys how it is; I tell them how the world works; sometimes it just sucks and sometimes it's amazing; better than anyone could have imagined. I do give my kids credit for understanding difficult concepts. I believe they are wise little beings that I can certainly learn from; and I do on a daily basis.

So, does any of it matter? I don't think much of it does. I think the kids who eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets weekly and play video games every evening could be as brilliant, creative and healthy as my boys who have NEVER had any kind of chicken nuggets and who rarely play video games. I think the kids who have very strict rules and those who have the run of the place will all grow up to be productive, responsible adults. And those who watched hours and hours of TV won't be mushy brained deadheads.

I think for the most part what matters is love, forgiveness, security, kindness, second chances and the promise of a new day.

The Scoop

It can be hard to forgive yourself for losing your cool and snapping something petty and mean or having to check out for a few hours while your kids sit with eyes glued to episode after episode of Phineas & Ferb. You know, when you sound like a possessed, hormonal witch from hell or walk around like a blank-minded zombie? This doesn't make you a possessed, hormonal witch from hell or a blank-minded zombie; it means you are a sleep-deprived, over-stressed, probably hormonal mom. Let it go; ask for forgiveness and move on. There's nothing more stressful than trying to be the "perfect" mom.

If you feel like this too; or even if you disagree, please share this post. Over and out...

Anna