Motherly Law

House Rules: Dropping the F-Bomb {On a Soapbox}

Dirty Words

Each household has its own version of "Seven Dirty Words." Often words like "shut up" or "poopy head" or "stupid" or "fart" are on this list. Of course, there's the R rated adult versions too; you know the words I'm talking about. I don't think I have to outline George Carlin's list of words you can never say on TV {or in this case, in front of your child}.

This week's episode of Modern Family that aired on Wednesday drew much fire before it aired because it was to have a toddler saying her first expletive. "Lily" is actually saying "fudge." The word was to be bleeped out and her mouth obscured by pixilation during that portion of the episode.

A Parenting Thing

An 18 year old college student who began the "No Cussing Club" in 2007 was asking ABC to pull this episode due to the F word issue. ABC had no comment, but the creator and executive producer of the sitcom told the Television Critics Association that he was "proud and excited" about this plotline. He added that the show is not sexually charged; instead this is a very natural story since most parents have been through this scenario.

I agree. Who among us hasn't experienced an awkward situation when the 2 year old says a naughty word {over and over} while in public or an older child, trying to assert his or her power tries on an adult size naughty word in front of grandma, having overheard it from mom, dad, the babysitter, the TV, older cousins, from classmates, etc. OK, we both know that more than likely the offending source was one of the parents. But, sometimes it's not me {for the record}.

I know I've certainly been there when the toddler won't heed your glares and silent threats to stop the shouts of "poopy head" as you careen up and down the aisles of Target trying to keep your head low and get in and out when nothing works to quell the 2 or 3 year-old's loud outbursts. {And FYI, I don't say poopy head...that one seems to have come from the preschool set.}

Naughty Words

Whether you're one to drop the so-called f-bomb or substitute fiddlesticks or fudgesicles or shitake {mushrooms}, fashizzle or some other word, you still mean the same thing and it carries the same impetus. You're kids aren't dumb; they know what you mean. And in my opinion, it's the same thing, regardless of the word you use. {But that is actually an entirely different argument than the one I mean to make here.}

The point here is that this is a "parent thing"; something the 18 year-old "King of the No Cussing Club" wouldn't know anything about. In fact, if anything, parenthood has actually increased my inclination to use words from Carlin's Dirty Word List; well, parenting and golfing.

Kids will repeat the naughty words you use; no matter what you classify as a "bad word." This is a lesson that you and your child will have to learn; probably many times over through the years. This is an area we've already visited...several times.

The Scoop

Friends, no need to comment about my {sometimes public} lessons I've learned on this topic.... Oh, and Your Royal Highness of No Cussing, all you did was get more people to watch this episode. I don't normally watch Modern Family or any TV for that matter, but you have now drawn attention to this particular episode and the sitcom altogether. In the name of class, I'm resisting the urge to include an expletive laced witty title, but I've got some good ones. Over and out....

Anna

F is for Fear: Bad School Policies Affecting Good Kids {On a Soapbox....on a Tuesday}

School Contraband

I really hate the stories about the students, mostly boys, who once at school discover they have accidently brought a toy gun or small pocket knife in their backpack, book bag, lunch box or coat pocket; who report this to the teacher because the student knows this is contraband that shouldn't be at school; only to be tossed out of school and receive a record of bringing a "weapon" to school and a school suspension.

A boy from Georgia did just this a week or so ago. While in chess club, the 13 year old middle school student, discovered the 1.5 inch knife in the military style bag his aunt bought at a yard sale and gave him as a Christmas gift. The boy, upon discovering this knife, immediately alerted his teacher. His reward for this honest act? A 4-day, in-school suspension.

The Wrong Message

I can't tell you how angry this story and others like it make me. Disciplining an honest, well-meaning child in this way teaches two negative lessons: 1) don't tell the truth and 2) justice is a fraud.

We tell our children to tell the truth; honesty is the best policy. We tell our children that justice will prevail; the innocent will be free and the guilty punished.

And yet, our schools have responded to isolated incidents of evilness with fear. This fear has caused them to write harsh and unfair policies regarding ANY "weapons" brought to school, whether real or perceived, under ANY circumstances.

Lessons Learned

These school policies teach children to hide the truth {and the contraband} should they make such a discovery in their bags or pockets. These policies teach children that mens rea, or intent, doesn't matter, motives are unimportant, they are guilty by association and the school need not have any evidence to present against them to be found guilty of this "crime." These are lessons our students will learn at a young age and take with them all through school and into their adulthood.

We have thrown out the common sense response to the self-reporting of accidently {or unbeknownst to the student, as in this case} bringing a toy weapon or small knife to school. The response in such cases should be kind and appreciative. We should applaud and welcome those who come forward to admit the mistake and turn in the contraband; then remind all the students of the dangers of having any weapons, toy or otherwise, at school for a variety of reasons and tell them to carefully check their bags and remove any such items before coming to school.

The Scoop

Schools, in trying to protect the students, have instead hurt some of the "good" students. These policies are bad. These kinds of stories almost always make the news because they are unjust policies. Why must we punish the truthful, rule-following, upstanding students? The simple answer is Fear.

Fear controls much of how we run our lives. We must overcome fear and recognize the difference between students who are a threat and in need of intervention and students who are well-meaning, good kids, who sometimes make and honest mistake. Over and out...

Anna

Minding Your Ps and Qs: Most Important Manners for Kids to Learn

Tiffany's Table Manners

When I was 11 my Grandma gave me Tiffany's Table Manners for Teen-agers. Yes, that Tiffany's. It was written by Walter Hoving, the head honcho of Tiffany and Company from 1955 to 1980.

The dining scenarios in this book, written in 1961 and given to me in 1985, were then and are now far above my social status in life. And yet, I still have this small, unassuming black and white book 26 years later.

From time to time, I look through it reminding myself of the basic table manners and chuckle at some of the absurd scenarios discussed. It was the only book on etiquette I ever owned until I received Ava Carroll-Brown's book, Where Is Your Mother? for review purposes.

Clearly, I do not live by the Bible of Emily Post or Miss Manners. I do try to instill basic respect, dignity, compassion and gratitude in my Darling Boys. I think these things are important.

I do agree with Ms. Carroll-Brown that etiquette is knowledge and knowledge is power. And this was my Grandma's intention in giving me this book as I entered those precarious pre-teen years. If I knew how to tackle social situations then I would be well-equipped to handle whatever came my way.

Etiquette Poll

I ran an impromptu poll last night on Facebook and Twitter asking "What's the most important rule of etiquette in your household?" A number of people responded, but the answers were very similar:

1. Please and thank you;
2. Respect others; and
3. Limit bodily noises to the bathroom.

All basic; all important to remember no matter who we are, how old we are or where we are.

Manner Musts

I recently ran across an article from Parents that I had ripped out of the March 2011 magazine entitled 25 Manners Every Kid Needs By Age 9. I won't recite the whole list, but here are a few of my favorites:

1. Don't interrupt grown-ups who are talking to each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished.
2. When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
3. When you have spent time at your friends' house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had. {but not in the creepy Eddie Haskell way – just my two cents worth}
4. Keep a napkin in your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
5. Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak and ganging up on someone is cruel.
6. Knock on closed doors and wait to see if there is a response before entering.
7. Never use foul language in front of adults. They already know all of those words and find them dull and unpleasant.
8. Always say "thank you" for a gift. In the age of email, a handwritten thank you note may have a powerful effect.
9. When someone helps you say "thank you." That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers.
10. As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.

Source: Parents.com/manners-list

These are basic and all things we as adults know, but don't take it for granted that your kids know it too. You must take the time to teach these basic manners. And I speak not only to you, my dear readers, when I say this, but also to myself.

Time is always of the essence these days. Our schedules are packed with things we have to do, and we scarcely have time to sit down at the dinner table together. So, be a good example and do these things yourself and use any teachable moments you have to encourage your child to act and respond accordingly.

Don't forget to enter to win Where Is Your Mother? by Ava Carroll-Brown. Just click on the link to yesterday's post mentioned above and leave a comment there. Over and out...

Anna

 

Where is Your Mother? A Review, an Interview and a Giveaway

Shoes: to Remove or Not to Remove?

Eleven years ago Will and I moved from the South to the Midwest. Our first year in Iowa we weren't able to go home for Christmas. Some new friends who were also staying in town for Christmas kindly invited all the poor souls who were spending the holidays "alone" to come over on the afternoon of Christmas Day for food, games and fellowship.

We had lived there only since July and had not been invited over to anyone's home yet. As we arrived, we were surprised to see a pile of shoes just inside the door. As guests arrived, they were shedding their shoes before further entering the home. We followed suit and did the same. Later, on the way home, I remarked to Will that I was glad I had put on new socks that morning. Will, who is notorious for have holes in his socks, told me that he had quickly flipped his socks around so that the holes were on the soles of his feet and hidden from the others. Oops.

Basic Etiquette; Variations by Regions

We weren't sure what to make of this practice. Was it simply our host's preference? Was it a regional rule? Was it rude to leave your shoes on? As we made friends and invited them over to our home and they invited us to theirs, we quickly discovered it was indeed a regional etiquette rule and the norm in that area.

The same holds true for Minnesota. We are quite used to this "rule" now and even practice it in our own home. My Darling Minnesota Boys immediately slip off their shoes upon arriving home or at a friend's home to play and even when visiting grandparents in Texas. We now always make sure our socks are clean and without holes or bare feet well-manicured before heading to someone's home.

In Texas, our home state, this is unheard of. In fact, it drives my in-laws nuts, both that we would like them to remove their shoes in our home and that there is a pile of shoes next to their back door when we are visiting.

While some rules of etiquette ring true for everyone, everywhere such as the three magic words of please, thank you and excuse me, there are a number of regional, cultural and religious rules that we may not know about until stumbling into a situation where it's being practiced and you're expected to understand it and follow it too. Other more universal manners include basic table etiquette, polite introductions and common courtesies.

Where Is Your Mother?

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure to talk to Ava Carroll-Brown, etiquette expert and author of the new book, "Where Is Your Mother?" This book is a basic guide to etiquette. It's not intimidating or confusing as some of the huge volumes of manners can be. This is a slim book that runs the gamut from essential table manners to stationery to cell phones to gifting issues.

I asked Ms. Carroll-Brown how she defines etiquette. Her response is that proper etiquette is a combination of simple grace and common sense. Ms. Carroll-Brown reminds us that etiquette is about thinking of the feelings of others. Based on our conversation, having good manners means that you are prepared about what to do or say or how to react or respond or behave in any situation. Being prepared for each situation will put both you and others you interact with at ease.

It's Ms. Carroll-Brown's opinion that having good etiquette is having power; a power of knowledge that sets us free; gives us confidence and polishes our appearance. She wrote this book with the intention that anyone, in any phase of life, could pick up her book of manners and look up the information that he or she needs or sit and read it cover to cover in order to be completely prepared. I found this to be the case after I received my copy of the book.* I repeatedly picked it up and flipped through it with no specific purpose. Each time I found some gem of information regarding how to reach out and be of help to a friend grieving a loss, a guide to tipping, reminders of simple table manners to teach my kids, etc.

Ms. Carroll-Brown's tone in print and over the phone is never threatening or condescending. She truly believes the world would be a better place if we all minded our manners and thought about how to treat others and considered their feelings.

Etiquette Pet Peeves

I talked with Ms. Carroll-Brown about her top three etiquette pet peeves Here's what she said,

1. Table Manners; she feels that table manner are very important and she spends a great deal of time on this topic in the book;
2. Silence; Ms. Carroll–Brown says that silence can be as rude as non-stop talking or interrupting conversations. Engage in conversation; excuse yourself from the table or a conversation, rather than just walking away without a word; and
3. Stationery Errors; there is no excuse for making errors on invitations, failing to reply to an invitation or neglecting to write thank you notes.

Etiquette Musts for Parents

I also asked Ms. Carroll-Brown what she thinks are the top five manners that parents must teach their children:

1. Basic Table Manners: sit down and eat, stay in your space, napkin in lap, chew with mouth closed, no talking with mouth full;
2. Use Flatware: This is an easy task to teach early on, rather than letting your kids use their hands;
3. The Three Magic Words: Please, Thank you and Excuse me
4. Write Thank You Notes: It's considerate of the gift-giver. Have a younger child draw a picture, purchase the fill-in-the-blanks cards for children who can write, let you child dictate a note to you.
5. Think of Others: Teach your kids to be inclusive of others in a group or at the park, take responsibility for your own actions and share with others.

Ms. Carroll-Brown has raised her own children and now has grandchildren. She noted that her brood is well-mannered, but not perfect and that the key to teaching this basic etiquette is little reminders and gentle lessons.

The Scoop

You will note that these are not ground-breaking new rules. These are simple graces, basic manners, common sense and common courtesies, as the subtitle of the book and the author stresses. For the most part, we know these things, but we are busy; we neglect to teach our kids these things; and our society moves on a little less thoughtful, a little less courteous and little by little we become completely self-absorbed and oblivious to anyone or anything around us.

So, take a few minutes at the dinner table to talk about staying in your own space or staying seated during the meal or how to excuse yourself from the table; or after receiving a gift talk about the giver of the gift and how thoughtful it was to send the gift, regardless of what the gift is, etc. There are numerous everyday scenarios that can be used to teach these "rules" in an enjoyable way.

Giveaway

Ms. Carroll-Brown has been so kind as to provide a copy of Where Is Your Mother? to be given away here on Motherly Law. If you are not versed in every line of Emily Post, but would like to have a basic understanding of etiquette and simple grace for your purposes and for teaching your kids, then you're going to want to enter this giveaway.

Here's what you need to know:

• I will use random.org to "draw" the winner on Thursday at 10 p.m. CST.
• To enter, you may:
  • leave a comment below;
  • "Like" me on Facebook (Motherly Law or click Facebook icon above);
  • Follow me on Twitter (@MotherlyLaw or click Twitter icon above);
  • Share this post;
  • Subscribe to Motherly Law's RSS feed (click RSS icon above);
  • Follow Ms. Carroll-Brown on Twitter (@AvaCarrollBrown); and
  • Subscribe to Ms. Carroll-Brown's blog: http://wiym.tumblr.com/

Leave a comment for EACH entry telling me what you did. So, if you do all of these things for a chance to win, you will have 7 comments. If you are interested in purchasing this book or reading more about it, you can find it here on Amazon. Good luck! Over and out...

Anna

*I must disclose that I did receive this book free of charge for review purposes. However, the opinion and review of the book are my own.

Rules of Etiquette: Devotee or Renegade?

Tasty Chicken

Last spring my mother-in-law came for a visit. At that time, Darling 1 was not a fan of chicken {he has since reformed his eating habits}. The first night "Bebe" was here, we served grilled chicken for dinner. Once we sat down and said a prayer, Darling 1 went to work eating his chicken. I noticed right away, but didn't say a word.

After a few bites, Darling 1 said, "This chicken is delicious. Thank you so much for making this nice dinner, mom and dad!" We thanked him and kept eating. A few minutes passed and Darling 1 said, "I don't really like chicken, but I'm just saying that since Bebe is here."

We had a chuckle over that statement, but again I thanked him for eating the dinner and being nice about it rather than making a fuss and refusing to even take a taste.

Please, Thank you and Excuse Me

"Remember your manners!" This simple phrase is a piece of basic wisdom gained from many years of experience as a social being that every well-intentioned parent imparts upon his or her child when the child is off to school or visiting grandparents or having a playdate at a friend's house, etc. A parent hopes these mere three words will be impressed upon the heart of the child even though the parent's shrewd words often fall on deaf ears. This phrase has been repeated for many, many generations and is often one of our first lessons in life.

"Please", "thank you" and "excuse me" are among the first words a child learns to say. A child quickly learns that a sweet as honey "pease" earns him or her a special treat from a proud and beaming parent. A "thank you" gets an impressed and pleased reaction from grandma or the lady giving out the free cookie at the grocery store or the waiter at the restaurant or mom or dad. And "scuz me" generally earns an amused response

When teaching children to be polite it's all about a trained response. If you ask and respond nicely, you'll usually get what you want whether it's a turn with a toy, a bit of chocolate, a big smile, a new trinket, etc. With toddlers it's as simple as that. It gets more complicated as a child ages.

Variable Manners

My mom's family comes from rural Oklahoma and good manners meant a warm greeting, an invitation to dinner and a good conversation. My dad's family is most immediately from very urban Dallas, TX, and further back than that from deeper south where etiquette was more important and more formal.

I grew up with very different sets of manners and rules, depending on the company. My parents were firm and set rules for us to follow. My brother and I were always polite and followed the rules {well, except when being sassy to our parents for which we were disciplined for, but it never really did much good. I'm still sassy}, but our home was a casual environment.

We were not especially schooled in the proper way to set a table or etiquette at a fancy restaurant {because we never went to fancy restaurants}. It mattered not whether our forks or spoons were on the wrong sides of the plates or whether we put our glasses on the coffee table without a coaster or whether our beds were properly made or whether we used a salad fork to eat our chicken. I doubt we even knew the difference between the two. In fact, I doubt we even had two different sizes of forks with which to eat with.

We were well versed in how to act in public and while visiting grandparents and while at school under the care of our teachers, etc. We did not play in and around the clothing racks in stores. We were not loud or out of control hanging off carts at the grocery store. We were quiet, respectful and obedient while at school. We were on our best behavior while visiting grandparents, being careful to follow the rules set there.

As adults, my brother and I are still a mix of being down home comfortable, relaxed and warm and being polite, respectful and doing our best to follow the rules of etiquette appropriate for the moment. I think my parents did a good job.

Subjectivity of Etiquette

Good manners are subjective in my opinion. There are many schools of thought regarding proper etiquette for any situation. Regardless of whether you follow Miss Manners, Judith Martin, or are staunchly loyal to Emily Post or another etiquette evangelist, there are also regional, cultural, professional, political, and even religious rules of etiquette to consider.

Frankly, I think following any set of rigid rules of etiquette can actually have the opposite effect than what is intended by the one so intently being well-mannered. That is to say that often the etiquette follower conveys an air of stiffness or inflexibility or even haughtiness about them. This, in turn, can make others feel uncomfortable or confused or even ashamed.

I think that proper etiquette, or good manners, in general, should mean that you're making those around you feel welcome and included regardless of their appearance, their own manners {or lack thereof}, their interests and knowledge {or lack thereof} or anything else about your guests that may not fit within your idea of what is proper. And that is something which comes easily to some and awkwardly to others, but in this instance it truly is the thought that counts; the trying to be warm and inclusive that matters.

The Scoop

Believe me, no one will remember whether you set the table correctly, but they will remember your big smile, hearty laughter, firm handshake, gentle hug and genuine spirit.

Tomorrow I'll be reviewing a new book on basic etiquette and simple grace, Where Is Your Mother? by Ava Carroll-Brown and on Wednesday I'll have a Q & A interview with the author. Over and out...

Anna